Today's 2nd March 2014.. We could have celebrated our 41th month.. It has been 3 years and 5 months since 02102010...

It is already March 2014.. Since that ahgong left in February 2011, it has been 3 years already.. And 3 years of his university life has gone by.. Entering the final year, the extra year he wanted to, the 4th and final year.. The decision he made, to further study physiotherapy and i said i will support him as long as its what he wanted.. But i don't know if he's still doing that now..

4 years; That period we talked about, saying it's so long, and we wont know what will happen.. But now, it is almost over.. Just awhile more, and this 'voluntary wait' will be over.. And i cant even be sure of what will happen, and in my heart i keep asking myself what will happen to me if nothing comes out of this silly wait.. I cannot wait for the end to faster come but yet i'm so afraid of that day coming because i cant be sure of what will happen.. So afraid that nothing will happen, and i'll just continue to live on like how i've lived on for the past 3 years, thinking and thinking of that ahgong, the day he come back.. Although, now thinking 3 years havent been very long and past so quickly, but it felt like sooo much had happened.. And throughout this period, there are times i tell myself, maybe its time to let go now.. But it never happened, and i still cannot let go of that ahgong, even after that Melbourne/fb incident last year... My thoughts never got less even after he his unfriend.. I'll still think of that ahgong, he's still like a pushing force for me.. And every time i watch drama, those touching scenes always makes me tear, somehow not totally because they are super touching, but because they all remind me of that ahgong, and those thing he did like in those dramas... And in those dramas, its always a happy ending...Will mine be...

I've been patiently waiting, with faith... Believing that the day i've always waited for will come..

Work have been tiring,stressful at times especially during the peak festive seasons, and sometimes work gets mundane as well as i cannot find true meaning in the job.. Always thought of having a more meaningful job.. Every time i feel so dreadful, tired of work, tired of getting up for work, that ahgong is my motivation...

Everyday i tell myself, when i get up, and am done with one day of work, it means that I'm one day closer to that long awaited day....One day closer...

And my old itouch lock screen wallpaper i didnt change, it was that first picture of us that we took together.. Sometimes at work, when i get so tired, i'll just secretly stare at it...

Even as i'm writing this now, i feel so silly that everything i'm doing is all my own wishful thinking, so 'yi xiang qing yuan' and that nothing might come out of it.. And that why am i living like this thinking of that ahgong like that, when that ahgong is living his life and never will think of me like how i think of him and wonder how is he doing..

But, i just cant let go yet, hoping that when that day comes, that ahgong will see all these, he'll be touched and see that i've been standing there at that same spot since the day he left...

Like what he said before 'I'll stand by you...'..
Even though he didnt, but i'm the one doing it, standing by him secretly...
Hoping that no matter what he do, and when there's no one there for him or support him, or understand him.. I want to and will be that only person to support him no matter what, secretly...

Sometimes, those words 'I'll stand by you' still gives me comfort and strength, cause i believed he said it and meant it and those should not have been lies..

I'll stand by you...
After today, one day closer; Just one more year to go..


I know this post will again be very long...but this is the only place left for me to vent it out..

After the aussie incident, I told myself that I will not talk to anyone about that ahgong anymore..
because i felt that i'll only look more and more silly to still be talking to anyone about it, and them knowing what are my thoughts...
and i know what they want me to do, what they think can easily be done after that 'answer' i got from that ahgong...
I know they all want me to give up and move on already...

So, I know this is the only place left for me...
I thought, after that ahgong incident, after mum's incident, i should have 'grown stronger' once again, should be braver and should be able to handle all these by myself like what i'm so used to...
I told myself, i can do it and must do it...i can handle it on my own...face it on my own...
because i dont want to see how people will 'see me', how they think of me, dont want them to be tired from this...

So, this is the only place left for me to talk it out....
all the feelings, all the many thoughts, all the pain inside...


Ever since back from aussie, almost all the way was busy with mum's stuff..
after her op, was almost 'home-jailed', doing housework and stuff..
and it was like mostly home-hosp-home again...
past few weeks it was going in and out of the hospital almost everyday for treatment..
finally it's ending soon...

the whole 'journey' hadnt been easy at all, from the beginning, it was tiring, not only physically but mentally...
so much so that, what happened in aussie was nth compared to what i had to face immediately when back to spore...
still so scary when i think back how we had to hold back tears in the doc room on the report day...
crying it out alone in the room, praying and waiting for the op to be over alone...
the whole process was crazy...

thankfully, really thankfully we've come so far and its ending...
and hopefully all goes well after this and it wont come back again...


but there was this thing at the back of my head...
because was so busy i had little time to really think back and think through what happened in aussie...
that meeting and that talk with that ahgong...
that fb incident...
no time to really feel sad and think hard of the reason why it happened...
all was kept inside me painfully and holding it in...and 2 months just went by like that...
and some words from him i'm already slowly forgetting..
and as time pass, it starts to feel like i didnt met him, like it wasnt real, like it didnt happened...
because it was all too surreal...

but it really happened...

i really met that ahgong in melbourne....
for the first time after a painful 2 yrs+...


and so as that ahgong was saying to bring us out after his church...
as it was getting late and he wasnt done yet..
i decided that even if we didnt go to the cafe...
i had to talk to him, and ask him out to talk, bravely...

it was really a moment i had to muster so much courage and BRAVELY ask....
that whole evening waiting for him, i was so 'scared', 'anxious'...
because i knew i had to talk to him, had to ask him, if not i'll regret letting that chance go again...
because i knew i had to get that answer...
but i was so afraid of that answer....

and so when he ended late we decided not to go the cafe anymore..
so i bravely asked 'can we talk'...
and so he said can...

after that he called to say he's coming etc..
when i saw that ahgong's pic appearing and that name appearing when he called...
it was like something i never thought will happen again..
a feeling so familiar, and that 'happiness' seeing his name pop up was still there...
i didnt want to hesitate anymore when picking up his calls...
and i just picked up...

that was the first first time we spoke over the phone ever since 2yr+ ago...
i guess the last time i heard him over the phone, was when at the airport where he first left for melb, i called him and said bye....

hearing that voice over the phone was so bittersweet....
it was that same feeling, that nervous but happy feeling, talking to that ahgong, hearing that somehow gentle voice of his over the phone...

missing those times where he'll call and we just held on to the phone for hrs and talk or just hear him playing his guitar....
those silly happy times where we always were msging, and 'see' if one wanted to call the other or not, waiting for the call or not...
those time where i was always smiling seeing those msges....
if only...


he called again when he reached and i went down...
it was so nerve wrecking...
because i had so many questions inside..but i knew i cant ask them all just like that....

he picked me up and i said just go somewhere nearby where we could talk...
sitting in that car...

going overseas so many times, but it was the very very first time i actually sat on someone's car  and go some where like that overseas...
and it was with that ahgong again...that first time....

sitting in that car...it was scary and awkward because i was the one who asked to talk...
but i was so quiet..so scared...
all the images of that first and only time i sat in his car where he drove me home back in spore, were all in my head....

one 'comfort' i had was what he said when we were in the car....
i cant rmb the whole conver but i know i was saying i was so silly and so stupid to still not let go until now...
and he said sth like, no you're not, it's not like that....in a very soft, 'sincere' tone somehow...
i was surprised he said that...
i always thought because of that last harsh talk on the phone, his answer wouldnt be like that....
and that since he always wanted me to have closure, he would never say something like that...
and it just made me had that little small hope inside....

and we went to a park nearby...
a park that i actually walked past the past few days when i was alone, while finding my way back to the hostel...
never imagined that i would actually be there with that ahgong...


so 'the questioning' begins..as he asked what i wanted to talk about...
at the beginning he was still in quite 'carefree', 'happy' tone...like normal conver tone...
and he still say he needed the toilet, so we were walking around trying to find a toilet and trying to talk...so we walked quite a bit on those almost empty streets finding the toilet..
the atmosphere was weird somehow....like it wasnt right to ask...
but i guess he wanted to make it less 'scary' for me..so i can talk...
esp his 'carefree' attitude..
i dont know how to say, but i thought he would be quite serious but he wasnt...



but finally i asked...about him saying what he said back at the alley..
asked him why he said he wasnt a good guy, etc....

he thought for awhile and answered 'lightly'...
saying because he was immature, didnt think of others, only thought of himself that time...
saying he played around........
saying he played that her real badly,hurt her real bad etc....
and he continued to explain, playing around didnt mean slping around.....
and while saying this i rmb he was still saying it and like laughing abit...like he really meant it...
he also said sth like we're all human, we all make mistakes....

yes, i know people always make mistakes..
but hearing that from him, i was thinking inside, what mistake, what wrong did i do to have to suffer all those pain...
why did i have to go through that crazy experience...
what did i do...

so after he answered, there was a moment of relief, hope..a little happy...
because he said 'playing around didnt mean sleeping around...'
so i thought, there was some chance of what she said was not true...
that those unpleasant things she said might be fake...


but i guess he somehow 'confidently' said that because he didnt expect me to ask what i was about to ask.....
i never ever thought i would have to ask something like this before...so explicitly...
it was a 'dramatic' qns somehow i thought...
but i knew i really had to ask, since it came to this point already....

i think i questioned him, like asked again so playing around doesnt mean slping ard...?

but i eventually asked, 'so did you sleep with her'......

i think at this point, it seems like the mood,the attitude, the way he was talking, totally changed....
that somehow 'carefree' attitude, 'relax' atmosphere was like gone...

it was dark and i couldnt really see his expression, but i guess he must somehow be shocked...

he paused, and eventually answered.....
'yes'....

it didnt strike me as hard as i thought it'll be, i guess because i always believed part of her story...
it was something, i 'supposedly' have known all these while, but still sillyly hold on and believe that they may be a small chance it isnt true....
it was just like a simple 'yes' to any other qns kind of feel...
not that great an impact...

but that was it, that answer that i wanted from him, all these while...
and i guess he didnt lie about that, he wont....that voice, that ans, that firmness...

i felt 'so adult' asking a qns like that and accepting it like it was nothing, like it was very normal...
trying to act like it was nothing much, so common nowadays...


but still, her words, those crazy dramatic words was going through my mind........
i didnt tell him what exactly she said..didnt asked anymore about all those she said....

i guess that was enough...


then he continued to say, how she've already forgiven him, they're still talking as frens, etc...
i was in disbelief somehow, to think she actually told me about suicide, and how i was 'persuading' her no to...and how she talk about hating him so much and wanting to go melb 'killing him'...

but now she have forgiven him already.....and they're still talking.....
i guess since she have had quite some experience, it shouldnt have been that difficult...i guess...


Then, another qns i had to ask was....
'so, was i played....?'
and he answered 'no'.....

and he said if i were played, he would have said 'yes' on that taxi ride that time...
i asked what taxi ride, what 'yes'... i couldnt rmb, not sure which incident he was referring to...
he said i must have forgot or cant remember...

but i really cant recall something like this...i remembered so much so clearly...
how could he remember something i didnt..
but i was quite sure it didnt happen..and i thought was it him that rmb wrongly....but i dont know..
cause that answer about that taxi ride seemed like he remember so clearly..
cause he could answer quite quickly when i ask why i wasnt played...and like he thought about it before to be able to give me that answer...


that answer 'no'...
it was also like that earlier ans 'yes'...
it didnt have that much of impact too...
i guess at first thought, i was happy...

but after that, when you think deeper, you'll think 'should i really be happy or not?'
because he didnt explain why...why wasnt i played...
and i know it was pointless for me to keep asking and not him explaining on his own...
that wasnt what i wanted..i wanted him to explain on his own and not me probing...

so....what was i supposed to feel?
happy and thankful that i wasnt played? why wasnt i? because i'm not even the type he wants to play with,cant play with?
happy that i was lucky?not played and not hurt further?not the victim?because he played with her and hurt her real bad and i wasnt the unlucky one?

happy that 'he let me go'....?


or that 'happy' that i always wanted, always wanted to believe in....
happy that, he was 'real' when he was with that ahpoh...
that he was true when he was with that ahpoh..
that he really wanted to try and be a good guy..
that he really wanted 'to be better and to be well for those that matter...'

but at some point in time, he realised it wasnt time for him to go into something serious yet, and he wanted to play...
and maybe because he saw how serious that ahpoh was and was worried that he may hurt her in the process, when he leaves for aussie..

and that was when, he decided to leave that ahpoh...
because he knew that ahpoh was real,was innocent, didnt want to hurt her...
because that ahpoh really meant something to that ahgong, that's why he explained so much, explained so hard and really had to leave her and not hurt her...
and not ending up playing her...

but which was it...
i dont know.....
i really wished it was the last...
but...who knows, no one knows..maybe even him himself dont know...


of course at that point in time, i didnt think so much..
and i kept telling myself, i had to be strong infront of that ahgong...
telling myself i cannot cry infront of that ahgong..cux he never ever seen me crying before, and i rly didnt want him to see it...
but i failed later...


there were so many things i wanted to ask, but i knew i cant ask them all because it was pointless if i was the only one asking and not that ahgong speaking up and explain what really happened that time...
so another qns i asked was...
whether he meant those things he said, those promises, etc..
and now i thought it was a silly qns to ask...

and his ans was, it's like what guys will always do...
like 'sweet talking', and i said 'hua yan qiao yu'....
and he even said, its comes out naturally like words in my blogposts....
and my heart sank...
i was a little shocked when he described it and compared to my blogposts, but i didnt say anything..

but that atmosphere was different again at this time, and his 'carefree' attitude was somehow back..
i felt, he didnt ans it as seriously as he did for that other qns....

i know it was impossible for him to give me that ans i wanted, but i still carried that little hope..
since he wanted me to give up, i knew he couldnt possibly said sth like, 'yes he meant it'...

but because of the way he was answering it, that tone, that attitude...
i was hoping and i feel, maybe he didnt answer that truthfully...

i wanted to act as though i'm strong, braver than before, and it wouldnt hurt me anymore...

so i just told him ok then, it'll be easy, i'll just take it that he didnt say anything since he didnt meant it that time..
and take it that as though nothing happened that period of time, so that part of my memory will just be empty..
and so supposedly it meant nothing happened and i should not be hurt anymore and forget about it already..

i wanted to be so 'xiao sa'....
i wanted him to see that part of me only..i didnt want him to see the weak me crying...
so i just said those..
even though i know it was so easily said but hard to achieve...


and i still told him, since you didnt mean those words, then he could also take it that nothing happened, forget it...because it didnt meant anything to him....


and then that answer of his was 'shocking' somehow..
he said something like 'dont assume things'.....
saying like as though, it meant something to him.....
but i didnt say anything, didnt ask anymore and he didnt say anymore...

that ans of his, what did it really mean...
did it really mean something to him...what was i to him...what were our memories to him...
what was the truth...was it all fake or maybe real...
was he really trying to do the 'right thing' then, but gave up halfway...
i dont know, and i guess i'll never know the truth..

i only know that, even if his feelings were fake, my happiness was real....



he even said about my fb, how i've always posted stuff..
but saying it was good, that emo stuff were getting lesser...
a little glad, that at least he still 'notices'...

we even said how long it has been alrdy but i was still holding on like that....
he said 2yrs+ and i said going to 3 yrs already...

and after tt i dont rmb everything, but i know i was saying how hard it was to forget and let go of that ahgong...
saying i'm living perfectly fine right now, very good...but there's still this part inside me...
and tt ahgong even replied sth like, 'so smitten' with me ah..
and i cont saying, i tried alot ways to move on and forget..
how frens always tell me what to do, forget him, he's a bad guy etc..

how i thought if hating will help,and i said it wont, and i never ever hated that ahgong....

and tt ahgong said, dont hate, it'll never help...
when he said that, the first person that came into my mind was cindy...

how i thought of how hard it must have been for that ahgong that period of time...
how that ahgong went through tt period of time..
with us, i guess getting over us was easy...
but for cindy, i thought that was the only girl that ahgong really truly like, and put his heart into it, and was really hurt at the end...
i knew he was talking about how, maybe he tried hating her that time, but it didnt work...


and think he was saying sth about dont go into a rs if u're not ready or to help you move on...
i said i know...
i told him about what could have happened...
i told him i tried, but i know it couldnt help me at all...
i told him about that macau guy, how we got close...but how we stopped there..
because it was somehow impossible to move on....
never told him about the distance prob, because that was not the first prob...

the thing was, that 'experience' with that guy really 'taught' me i havent let go...
havent let go of that ahgong, let go of what happened...
meaning i wasnt ready to be in a rs....

because everytime i was with that guy, be it grocery shopping, out eating ice cream, cooking at hostel tgt...
that ahgong never fail to pop up in my mind, because i always thought...
'if only, i was doing this with that ahgong...how would it be like...how good will it be..'

and i felt bad, because i know, it would be so unfair to the person, if thoughts like this were there...
i didnt want to do this...because i know i was still not ready....


and tt ahgong had said something like, do you think we're suitable for each other...
and i said i dont know, we didnt know each other very long back then..
i didnt want to say so much, because of how i rmb that ahgong was 'pissed' with me repeating me things then of how i said i regretted, how we gave up without trying, etc...

i asked him randomly, like is it bec of all this 'bad stuff' that you started going church..
and he just ans simply, like no, it was just because friend asked him to go tgt sth like that....
another answer i thought was quite 'fu yan'...

and throughout i know that ahgong was talking,trying to explain some 'chim' things...
i cant rmb exactly what he said, but i know it was like trying to explain, 'teach' me sth, some sort maybe talking about life...

one thing that i rmb was he said sth like 'control your emotions before you talk'...
i thought it was sth i tried very hard already, i know i was still so shaky, still so nervous...
but it really took me soooo much courage to ask that ahgong out to talk, and ask those crazy questions...

and i thought the atmosphere wasnt right..
walking around like that finding a toilet and then back to the park sitting on a bench by the streets....made me more nervous...like i dont know when was the 'right' time to ask...
i felt so uncomfortable with that ahgong's way of talking..

one moment, his words seem serious and real, the next moment, his words sounded 'mean, sarcastic' in a way, and the next, he may seem like 'joking' with those 'superficial', not truthful answers i felt...

and at the end of it, it was like i gave myself a bigger mess with those answers, and words...
so much to ponder on and think through and accept...

and after all that happened, i think it became harder for me to try and differentiate what's true and what's not..
in the past, maybe i would have easily believed in everything..
but now, even though as much as i want to believe, i may question it and not believe it easily anymore...
fearing that, i may get hurt again...


then, i knew i shouldnt ask anymore, there was no point in asking anymore...
since i won't know what is true and what is not...and his answers were not rly those direct ans that i hoped for...
and i dont know when, and dont know why, i couldnt take it anymore, and i started tearing....
that was the first time, i cried infront of that ahgong like that...
even though it was dark, and i just tried to turn and look the other side...
that was the first time....

and i failed...
i told myself i cant cry infront of him...
but at the end i couldnt hold it anymore...
it was too much for me to take, too much for me to 'absorb'...

and we left..
on the car i was still crying, and it was almost silent in the car..
i didnt know what to say anymore...
but i rmb that ahgong said sth like 'i dont want you to be like that, unhappy, want you be happy' sth like that...

and immediately, it made me tear even more.....
and my heart really hurt so much at the moment....

i dont know if that ahgong remembered what he said before..
but that sentence, was almost the same as what that ahgong said to me that time....
i rmb it was over the phone, i cant forget....
he said so 'sincerely'.....
'i dont want you to be unhappy, i want you to be happy forever.....'


but now, since that ahgong said the things he said that time, were 'hua yan qiao yu'...
i dont know what are the truthful words from him, and what can be believed...


he dropped me off, and i just said thank you and bye and quickly got off...
i didnt even turn and look at him for one last time...
and i quickly walked back into the hotel not turning back...
and at the lobby, since it was empty....

i totally break down.......really just squat down there and cry....


throughout my fren was msging to check on me and asking...
but i didnt know what to say, didnt rly want to say also, cux i know i'll just end up crying...

i stood at the lobby for awhile, ensuring that ahgong would have been gone already then i walked out...
i couldnt stopped crying and i didnt want my friend to see me crying...
so i could only walk out and go some where else, to cry it all out.....

that feeling was crazy, walking on those streets so late at night, not knowing where to go...
and in a foreign country, i didnt dare to go too far...
i found a quiet street and a bench and just sat there....

and i thought through all the answers trying to sort my thoughts out...
thinking back about what happened then, the things he said, thinking what was true and what wasnt...
and all those things she said, told me...
trying to 'put the pieces' together....

but it was far to complicated and it was still so difficult to try and get a complete and proper answer...
i really dont know what to believe in and what not to...
and it was too overwhelming, those emotions from thinking back and his words...
those happiness from those times and the contrast from all these time, like strangers...

thinking from that first day, below my house, at the bench, where i said yes, i never ever thought i would 'land' myself into such a big big mess that lasted till now...

the only thing that was 'easy' was...
crying it all out...
and i saw people walking pass looking at me...
that feeling was crazy....and i never expected something like that to happen...
sitting on the streets like a crazy woman sitting there crying...

but i rly didnt know what to do...
it was really painful..........

how silly i thought it was...
after 2yrs+ and its still haunting me like that...
making me cry like that on the streets in melbourne.....
it was crazy...

and not only that, all the pressure and worries from the things that may happen at home....

it all added up, and it seemed like god wanted to put me through all this once again...to 'train me' to become stronger...


When will that day come, when all these will stop, and I can see what I've been waiting for..
Just something so simple...


And I keep thinking of this small little act...and that one picture...




It was one year ago this sunday where we had that hike in Norway...

01/07/2012
End of the first whole week in norway..
Our second sat in oslo..the school arranged a hiking trip at Nordmarka..
we took the tbane up to the hill/mountain area, got off at Frognerseteren and started the hike..
and we didnt know what was expecting us....the long long hike that wasnt that easy..
it was somehow my first real real hike experience at a place like this..
and it was a really really cool experience..
hiking in norway, in a pretty place, and good cold weather..
A once in a lifetime experience!





During winter, this area is actually used for winter skiing, and also competitions..
The different coloured direction meant for ski and hiking..



The beginning seemed ok..
just like normal paths walking on and on enjoying the beautiful nature surroudings...
then after awhile it started drizzling a little and got heavier and lasted awhile..
so the roads were like muddy, wet and had puddles here and there..




And the journey continues..and it got tougher as the paths were much harder to walk through..
















 And then the hike continues...

Really an experience...

Finally! We saw proper 'land' and not rocks in water and mud for us to walk through...and we were really really happy when we saw this and we can just walk and not have to look at the ground and worry our next step!

And we saw 'civilisation' somehow after a crazy tiring 4 hour hike through the forest...


And we actually arrived at Sognsvann lake...which is a tbane stop on another coloured line..and looking at the tbane map we really walked quite a distance!


















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