silly her.

a cust tt sounded like tt ahgong

2011-10-05T00:50:00.009+08:00

tdy had a cust asking about changing to ns plan..
told him needed the ns pass,their diff ic..
and he ended up like joking w me,asking izzit s13 pass or sth..
told him to fax in or bring to csc..
and he was like laughing,bec i told him wasnt sure whats tt called..
and i was also laughing smhw..and he asked why i kept laughing..
kept asking the same stuff again and again and the call dragged for so long..
and asked if he could send the pic of his pass to me..
and i said no,and he asked am i rejecting to give him my num..
kept asking for my num,about msn,fb and said he'll go find..
then he sudd say if i was a fren of his,asked if i stayed at smwhere..
and smhw was scared,thought was someone i know,so paiseh..
luckily he wasnt..

the thing is..
he sounded so much like tt ahgong..
even the way he was laughing..
and he still asked why i was like mumbling and stuttering..
like how tt ahgong asked tt time in office,when i was cold..and smhw nervous..
told him the same thing also..
my heart was beating so fast smhw as i tok to tt guy..
bec of all those flashbacks in my mind..

but he wasnt tt ahgong..
jux reminded me of those times talking w tt ahgong on the ph..
trying to rmb how it was like,what exactly did we talk about..
how tt ahgong always talk and laugh..
reminding me how much i miss those times on the phone..
how i was always smiling..
how tt ahgong always sound so happy also..

neil saw me at wk tdy..
and said,wear so nice,so pretty ah,got date ah..
and i just thought of tt day last yr,where i met tt ahgong to go to ll bday tgt..
and neil came w him aft wk,so went tgt w the 2 of them..
was so paiseh tt time,cux tt ahgong would hv told him tt he's waiting for someone..
dunno what he would think..
bt i guess since neil have been there all along,he would have known about tt ahgong and her also..
so what would he have known..

and roch in office,smtimes will see him,bt dun say hello to him..
try to avoid him..bt smtimes cant rly avoid..
and it seems like he shd be able to see me,but like smhw act nv see,or ignore smhw..
i wonder what rly happen in office tt time,what tt think,cux i know they all know what happened btw them..
bt what did they think of me..until roch seem to act like this..
when i didnt do anything wrong..

02102011-one year on..

2011-10-02T00:25:00.002+08:00

02102011..
last yr,this date,this time,ard 12+am..
we decided to be tgt..

and rmb i asked tt ahgong, i thought he said we shd go out more first..
and he gave tt look..
and so we started so fast,and ended fast too..

if we were still tgt,it would be our first yr..
but we didnt even make if for our first mth..
whose rs would be like this..no one i guess..
not even one week..?

what did i do wrong..
why play such a joke on me..

011011,children's day..

2011-10-01T23:55:00.002+08:00

today's 1st oct 2011..
children's day..
one yr ago,this day was at chomp w tt ahgong..
this yr,this same day,sotong dinner at chomp also..

tt road tt is so hard to cross w so many cars..
rmb how we crossed tgt..
saw tt seat we sat at and could clearly rmb the scene,rmb tt day..
what we ordered,what we ate,and how hungry tt ahgong was..
and got to know he like white carrot cake..
bec norm ppl would order black one, but he ordered the white one..
couldnt finish my drink and tt ahgong finished it..

at bus stop deciding where to go..
and ended up at the bench at my house playground..
the place we decided to start..
sitting on the bence,tt view,tt ahgong saying,if only,it's the seaview..
the place where we made some promises..
tt ahgong sat there saying,he'll be faithful..but he just broke it simply,easily.
we had pinkie promise,to not bring parents in first..
but tt ahgong and her,she got to meet her family so fast..
so dumb..

always thought of how tt ahgong can still talk to her,msg her when he's over there..
but he never talked to tt ahpoh..never checked on her..
what was she..so insignificant and easily gone..
i guess she never had a place,and shd have been long forgotten..
even though we once thought so far ahead...

this fri one yr ago..

2011-09-30T01:48:00.003+08:00

this fri..one yr ago..
01102010..
one of the nights that i will never forget..
it's already one year on..but..
time past so fast,it didnt seem like it's been one yr,though it seemed like alot happened..
still can clearly rmb tt day..tt night..

one of the happiest nights i ever had..
02102010-the day we decided to be tgt..
just one mth+ aft we got to know each other..

never thought i would be so lucky,to have a dream come true somehow..
from stranger,to ec,to tt ahgong..

but how did it changed from such a sweet dream coming true and ended up like a crazy nightmare..
why does it always happen to me..

auntie vic's flying off to hk on this day..
wanted so much to go too,bt dumb work..
hk..disneyland..
just make me think of tt dumb coincidence..
tt long email tt i sent tt ahgong earlier this yr..
telling him so much things,things he nv knew..
and i also said tt when he asked to go bali tgt,i thought of wanting to go to hk disneyland w tt ahgong also..
and i also told him tt he was actually a ec..
and said tt having a eyecandy becoming a bf even if it was for a few hours,or one day..was the best thing that ever happened to that ahpoh..

soon aft..
tt ahgong posted..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

and the nx few days,tt ahgong posted a disneyland video..
w some letters..

all these just so randomly coincident like crazy..bt hw relevant they seem to be..
but she said,tt ahgong hadnt read tt email..so it cant have anything to do w my email..
so dumb so dumb so dumb..

that qns..

2011-09-27T23:18:00.004+08:00

This day,one yr ago..
it was our first time out,just us..
was nervous bef meeting..
but surprisingly,aft seeing tt ahgong it wasnt tt scary..

the day bef tt day..
was discussing what to watch etc..
and rmb tt ahgong was still saying which movie hv how many popcorns for ratings..
was laughing at him for for quoting those to see which nicer..
tt ahgong said will give me morn call for sch or call me and talk bef lessons..

ended up tt ahgong overslept..
and was msging during lessons..
those cute msges..asking what to wear,asking if i was excited to meet him..
all making me smile from deep inside..
tt happiness,simple but unforgettable..
jux wanted sth so simple only,why cant i get it,time aft time..

tt ahgong trying to bluff me say dun need tics to go in..
will never forget the not so nice first movie we watch tgt,jux us two..
my darling is a foreigner..
inside the cinema..dinner..tt 'artistic pic' he said he took of me using my ph..
tt walk down orchard..breadtalk..
coffee bean..those pics of me he secretly spammed n happily took..tt small action of giving the napkin and the things he said..
cuscaden..happily showing me,sliding thru those pics he took..
left w me and send me home..
Tt journey home..tt waiting for the taxi w tt ahgong..'niannian'..

That qns tt ahgong asked on the train..
If he had to wk there aft he grad,will i wait..
And i simply ans have to see if the person was worth waiting..

it was a shocking qns at tt pt in time,where we were,barely known each other for one mth+?
bt smone asking tt qns, of cux will make u think alot..make u v happy..
it tells u hw much tt ahgong was thinking..thinking so far ahead??
making you wonder if tt ahgong will be the one,for him to think so far ahead w tt ahpoh in it?
for me, to think so far ahead also,'planning' and see if it possible to have a future w tt ahgong in it..
it showed me how serious tt ahgong was..
just like how i know him to be when i jux know him..
tt responsible and serious ahgong,tt made him eyecandy,admired tt him..

tts y it made me very happy..very very very happy..
a stranger to a eyecandy..to a friend...
to someone tt ask u if you're willing to be in his future smhw..
to someone you plan your future with,someone who will always be in your plans for your future..
It was really the best thing that happened to tt ahpoh..

Tt kind of happiness does not come by everyday..
And i realised it doesnt stay,it's shortlived and may not be real happiness,as it all could have been lies..
How pathetic that i will never know if those were real..

If that ahgong was real,didnt have a facade like what she said..
tt ahgong is 值得的..真的..
Deep inside,i still choose to believe the ahgong i saw..

F1 weekend~this mon..

2011-09-26T21:44:00.006+08:00

Went for F1 again this yr,w dear auntie vic..
bt everything isnt the same anymore,totally diff frm last yr..
that happiness last yr..

Tt feeling of going back office tt fri..so happy..
was on the ph the previous day w tt ahgong and trying nt to tell him was going back the nx day..
then trying to hide at one corner at office..
we all ordering koi,and order for him,bt o say his stomach nt well,so didnt give him..
waited until i was leaving then went to tap tt ahgong and said bye..didnt even talk..

And at F1,tt ahgong finished work,and asked how's fooosh foosh foosh..
saw tt msg and was smiling at those words..
at dinner,auntie vic was asking about the guy commenting on ny status..tt ahgong..
so i said a little..then aft tt when she see my ph dying and i was msging tt ahgong,still wanted give me use her ph..
ended up i used bro ph..and tt ahgong was smhw waiting for me to go hm bt kept denying..
waiting for me to go hm and talk on the ph..
tt msg tt gave him away..
'if you dont reply by 145,i'll presume u slp le and wont call le..'
it's so deeply etched inside my mind..
cux tt msg made me sillyly smiled at the ph..

Tt fri one year ago,is so diff from this year's..
tt whole F1 wkend..
as i was there watching,looking at the tracks..
the scene of us walking on the track jux came to mind,and was trying to figure out which part it was..
and tt heart pain..as those happy image popped up..

Tt F1 wkend last yr,the saturday,was exactly 3 mths to xmas..
tt day tt ahgong was at wk bt ended up sick n went to see doc..
went home and i even wanted to dabao food for him..
ended up we talked on the ph..still rmb we talked alittle bout my new house,his relative's house price also..
then tt ahgong pei me talk on the ph,all the way from home..to grandma house..
take bus,mrt..
and rmb at the bus stop,tt ahgong asked a qns i cant forget also..
asking about my best fren..and i said auntie vic and sm others..was saying the one on my dp ah..
and i asked his..bt tt ahgong said he dun rly hv alot gd frens?

at the mrt station,i heard the song for the train is coming thingy..
and i said it sounds like xmas..and realised tt day was 25th..exactly 3 mths to xmas..
so tt ahgong asked what i wanted for xmas,so early..
and was so happy,so looking forward to it,thinking what can i do for tt ahgong..
thinking tt it'll be such a great n diff xmas..
all my own wishful thinking..
ended up,it was the worst xmas i had,one i cant forget indeed,hw much pain i was in tt time.
and everytime i walk pass tt part of the mrt station,i'm always reminded by tt 'early xmas present'..

tt way he told me to repeat his hm num 5 times so i can hang up and rmb the num and call him back..
tt promise tt he wanted me to promise to talk to him again at night..
tt msg tt ahgong sent when it was late and i still didnt msg or call..
tt was the first and last time i was anxiously waiting to go hm from grandma house to talk to tt ahgong..

And this monday,one yr ago..
Ll bday party at khatib mac..
msged tt ahgong in the morn when i woke up as 'punishment'..
bt tt ahgong didnt reply the whole day,and i was so restless wondering wad happen..
end up his ph prob,got it late..
called aft wk and met him to go tgt..
tt ahgong straight away hear sth was wrg over the ph and was saying sry for nt replying,explaining..
and i jux said i wasnt angry,bt tt ahgong asked why i sounded tt way and i said jux tired..

And another colleague was w tt ahgong..and it was so awkward..
we didnt talk much bt jux exchg glances and tt ahgong jux seem to hv tt questioning expression,thinking tt sth's wrg..
those nudges..and tt sitting beside..
tt msging when we were jux beside each other..
those moments of staring..exchanging glances when others dont know anything..
sweet and happiest moments..
tt waiting and leaving tgt w me..
tt usual talking on the taxi home..
'inside the house alrdy?'..tt ahgong asked in chi in a funny way..

each and everyday,there was sth for me to rmb..
to make me happier and happier..
that's why in the end,the hurt was so deep..

the first time singing..

2011-09-22T23:37:00.005+08:00

this day one year ago..
seemed tt things were getting clearer..
tt fb post tt i posted and tt ahgong commented..

then tt ahgong randomly msged to ask if i was free..
'you free x3'..nt w them..
just us two..how scared i was but hw happy i was too..
wanted go barrage bt ended up nt going bec tot road was blocked bec of f1..
always wondered would it be another memorable night if we went..

and tt day ended up the day i first hear tt ahgong sing..
tt ahgong jux randomly played his guitar n sang..
cant rly rmb the first song..bt am sure guan huai fang shi was one of the songs..
always said tt his chi nt v gd..so of cux was surprised he sang tt,and trying to hear v hard..
like those times where he NG and we'll start laughing..
we jux hanged on to the ph like tt..talk,sing,pause..
and tt ahgong wanted mac,ate and then call again..
ended up on the ph for so long till quite late..

it seemed like as each and every day passed tt period of time,my happiness level was increasing and increasing..
tt ahgong just had a way to put on a smile on tt ahpoh,everyday..
and captured her heart so well,day by day..
making her sink so deep in..when it was all supposed to be a dream only..
i guess she was too greedy to think that dreams do come true..
and she'll never dare to do it again..

that night on the f1 track..

2011-09-20T22:43:00.004+08:00

One yr ago,this tues was 21st sept..
first day of sch reopen,start of y2..

whole day packed..
sch.collect f1 tics.home then out again..
bec tt ahgong asked us..
rmb in sch saw tt ahgong msg asking to go chill w them..
was worrying tt it'll be paiseh aft we've talked on the ph the night bef..

was happy tt i went..even though i was dead tired..
bec the call the previous night left me awake..
tt night..a crazy,memorable night..

sitting beside tt ahong,playing games at the game cafe..
timbre..walking ard aimlessly..and sitting by the river..
tt htht..the diff sides of tt ahgong tt i saw..
so much i gt to hear from him..
cant forget him acting angry and forcing me to drink frm his bottle bec of me coughing..
esp cant forget that once in a lifetime experience,walking on the track..
in the middle of the night,on the almost empty roads,streets,those strong lights..
like stucked bec of the fences surrounding us..
those close contact we had,the things we joked n laughed about while walking..
then trying to find our way..walking thru unfamiliar places..in circles..
tt hand,hairband..
tt taxi ride home,tt talk on the ph..

tdy sat on the bus and almost teared..
randomly thought back of tt day..how happy we were,i was..
want so much to tell tt ahgong so much things..
want so much to talk to tt ahgong on the ph and hear his voice,his singing..
miss those times so much..
just such a simple thing to want to talk to him..
bt i cant..and never can..

tt ahgong shdnt be around anymore,or maybe tt ahgong never rly did existed..
for tt ahgong isnt the real him,according to what she said..
how pathetic tt i dont know what's real or fake..
how pathetic to think tt all these incredible memories could be fake..
how pathetic..
why no answers..

that midnight,the start of it all..

2011-09-19T21:39:00.003+08:00

this night,midnight one year ago..
the start of it all..
was supposed to go out w o they all..
didnt want to and told tt ahgong let them both go themselves,dont tell them..
end up he said he pao toh me and asked me to go..
say go hm first..
end up bec of his mum he wasnt v happy and decided nt to go..
so end up msging..and they were quite worried bout him suddenly mood chg so much..ask me tok to him..
of cux was worried too,such a big chg and it was my first time seeing tt ahgong suddenly so angry,nt happy..
and i still sillyly send him his pic to try cheer him up..and he still said crazy ah,try so hard for wad..
and msg msg then he was saying seems like they think we hv sth.
then bec of my lousy reply..
smhw showed tt ahgong..

and bec of tt msg..
he suddenly and unexpectedly called in the middle of the night jux when i was about to fall aslp..
can nv forget picking up tt call in the darkness..
and then randomly started toking in the dark,w my sis slping beside..
talked bout our schs,siblings, etc.
and of course,i was smiling,so happy smhw..
he was supposed to be my ec only..
norm ppl dun get to know ec,dun tok to them,dun know them in person ah..

but..tt ahgong changed from a stranger,to a ec,to my ahgong..
no one will know tt feeling,tt happiness..
and of course,bec of tt great happiness,the pain is..

and frm tt night on..things seem to bec obvious..
and everything slowly changed so quickly..

And tt night,tt call in the middle of the night,is something i'll nv forget..

this time one yr ago,henderson wave..

2011-09-18T01:19:00.004+08:00

this time one yr ago,we were at henderson wave..
tt ahgong was there too..
it was supposed to be us girls only..
bt tt ahgong decided to join w his fren..
suddenly msg and ask about it..
tt night at the top..

tt day was my last day at wk..
rmb giving tt ahgong chocs and he even wanted to shake hand..
I think i didnt wanted to..
tt ahgong left wk earlier than me..
and i tot tt was the last time i would see him,my ec..
thought everything would jux end there..
but little did i know..it wasnt the end..
tt day seemed to be the beginning..
tt day tt ahgong did things tt smhw showed sth..

we were all sitting in a circle at henderson wave..
tt ahgong was smhw opp me..
can nv forget hw when we looked at each other,tt ahgong saw i was tired..
and was mouthing and ask if i was tired or sth..
tt was alrdy a surprise..mouthing secretly smhw..

in the car they deliberately mk us sit tgt and it was so squeezy..
tt ahgong got off first..
and then he msged and was worried we'll get lost,ask to msg when hm..
tt ahgong supposedly shd be closer to,bt didnt msg her..so they were all joking..
and i jux said nth,the msg was worried for us all..

tt memorable night at the top..
my first time and tt ahgong was there again..

passed ftt tdy..on this day..

that first car ride home..

2011-09-15T23:54:00.005+08:00

One year ago..this day..it was the first car ride home,tt ahgong driving..
first and only time i sat on tt ahgong car..
tt day had work and o asked them go movie..kept asking me to go and i didnt want..
and rmb tt day kp getting cust same name as tt ahgong..
then i said if i get 3 then i'll go..
and in the end was tricked to go smhw..
tt ahgong was on mc bt he still went,saying cux promised o le..

So we went for pizza at sm place deep inside near fifth ave,bukit timah?
then we went to cine for movie..
o they all deliberately drive so slow..
those handsigns the ahgong was teaching me in the car..
bef the movie we ps them let them two walk ard themselves..
while we jux sat outside cinema and wait..
and will nv forget tt ahgong was sitting so close beside me,like shoulder to shoulder,almost leaning..
nv forget those things tt ahgong was saying,asked..
saying he didnt want any rs nw cux he going overseas..and i tot tt was it..
tt devil related movie tt ahgong was smhw afraid of..
then went for shisha..
and they deliberately left us two..
tt gave us the chance to tk pics bec tt ahgong jux randomly took my ph n tk pics..
and so tt first pic of tt ahgong on my ph..
tt signature face pic..tt pic i used to cheer him up..telling him hw he look..
tt pic he know i like so much tt he helped me set as screen saver on our first time out alone..

and then tt ahgong drove me home for the first time..
tt ahgong nt gd w directions..so had to use gps and i had to help him hold his ph..
even w the gps we still missed an exit and overshoot..

tt time tt ahgong was jux a ec,tts y was so happy and cant forget of all those silly small things tt made me so happy..
Rmb so clearly of everything even up till now..
Bec tt ahgong was a ec..

manicure one yr ago..

2011-09-12T23:23:00.004+08:00

one yr ago,this mon..
rmb went manicure w jean..even though we reached home ard 5+am bec of the outing..
and ended up,both of us were so cuix..
and tt day was smhw the start of random msging w tt ahgong..

he heard what jean they all always call me and still tried to call me gongzhu..
one of the things he said tt i rmb so clearly..
is when he asked if was out on a date..and i said was on date w gf..
and tt ahgong smhw said..when will it be his turn..
since he was a ec,when he said tt,of cux made me v happy..
and tt day,tt ahgong was saying about wanting to quit..
saying the job not rly his cup of tea..want more responsible team players,etc..
wanted ask agency if can quit..

but tt time,we werent rly close yet,and msging tt ahgong felt abit weird tt time..
and smhw felt tt ahgong was abit dao..

but who knows,what was coming..who saw what happened in the end..
we not only msged,but talked on the phone so much..
and became so close..
and it was something i never expected,never dreamt of..

because,having a ec becoming a bf,even if it was for one day,was the best thing that ever happened to that ahpoh..
and calling tt ahgong,'ahgong'..hearing him call me 'ahpoh' in his way of chi is sth i cant forget,sth tt is so sweet..

and it's sth tt will nv happen again..
how i wish i can hear it again..
i really wish..
but it can only stay as a wish..
a wish that will never come true..

12 sept,one yr ago..

2011-09-11T05:03:00.009+08:00

one yr ago..12 sept,was a sun..
tt sun,chomp..tt crazy driving exp..
tt first midnight movie..tt first tau huay..tt 4 cars on the empty road in the middle of the night..tt first barrage..
rmb,at barrage,tt ahgong still pat my head,randomly..cant rly rmb why..
and frm tt day,saw tt glutton side of tt ahgong..tau huey,you tiao..
and saw he like to eat his tau huay plus those lian zi..

it was our first group outing..the beginning of the crazy series of outings..
the beginning of everything..
our beginning..

the day we got each other's number,the first day we spoke on the ph..
the first time we msged..
we didnt exchg num..we just go it like this..
bec o's ph had prob,cant call him..so used mine..
then aft tt,tt ahgong just msged and asked what time movie,etc..
and it continued..

watching f1 just nw,and seeing the preview showing last yr's spore f1 race..
there's the pinching feel in the heart..so pain..
i was thinking of the f1 wkend in spore last yr..
fri,sat n sun..was so great..
one of the best wkends..

it was one year ago only..
should i say time flies?
so what if time flies..it doesnt help much..
and one year later,everything changed so much..
my life one year ago was so much more diff..
the best time of my life..the happiest time i never imagined i'd go through..

but one year on,now..
i have to go through the worst period,day by day trying,fighting to overcome the pain..
trying,hoping that as each day pass,i'll slowly forget everything..
trying,hoping..

you'll never know how hard it is,if you never been through it..
don't tell someone you know how they feel,but at the back of ur mind,think otherwise..
when you really dont know how it's like..

talked to mervin..trust your heart..

2011-09-09T01:37:00.014+08:00

tdy aft wk..met sotong shing to shop for aug babies presents..
and then later met other sotongs for movie..
and we first watched smurf at the cathay..
and then last min,decided to watch final destination at ps..
first time,watching 2 consec movies at one go..2 totally diff movies sm more..
still had wk bef tt,eyes were rly closing le..

first in smurf,it was ahma's crazy crazy laughter..
esp the ending,tt made ahma 'pui' out,and burst into laughter..
then in fd,sy's shouting n laughing kept us awake..
supposed to be scary bt she ended up grabbing me and cover here n there n keep laughing..
she was the one tt wanted to watch..
but ended up otw home,both she n shing got so scared and paranoid..
shing still msged,saying she on the escalator,v scared,have to hold on tight..hahax..
it was a great night watching movie..

but bef tt,at work..

always hoped tt mervin wouldnt ask what happened btw o and me..
tml's his bday..asked me to join them for celeb..
and i said i didnt want..
and he asked if its bec o's going..asked what happened..
and i said yes,it'll be awkward also..
another reason is of cux,tt guy is going also..
dont want things like last time to happen again..

so i guess,sometimes,things tt u want to avoid,u cant avoid forever..
so i just told him a little of what happened..

last yr,when we just went in..mervin was alrdy working there quite some time..
and he's o fren..so we smhw got to know him thru o..
he's smhw our senior and since he's o's fren,so whenever we have any prob,we'll ask him..

and he's like our big bro,always helping us,taking care of us smhw..
last yr,o was like our big sis,taking care of us also..
always concerned if we had any probs,esp when jean gt so upset,bec of her ldr..
she was always w her..talking to her..or even pei her drink,club..
she did more than what i did..
tts why i always try to tell jean she's a gd fren..why so angry w her..
why mk things the way it is now..bt still things ended up the way it is nw..
now,o still working there,bt of cux she isnt the big sis to us like she used to be..

so now,mervin's like my big bro in office..got anything he'll help..
always joke and play around..
and always like to pat my head,like i'm a small sis..
so i guess,talking to a big bro isnt tt bad..
and i guess if he know why i'm nt toking to o,then nx time it wun be so awkward also..

i just told him..
bef tt ahgong incident,jean shir werent rly happy w o alrdy..
then aft tt,they smhw blamed her a little..
and it all added up and things became v bad btw them..
like all those quarrels about so many other things..
and i also didnt know what to do..
told him i wasnt angry w her or wad,just rly dunno how to face her,handle the situation..stucked in the middle..
so just left it like tt..

always had a qns,wanted to ask those who were working the same time both tt ahgong and rox was there..
but nv got to ask anyone..feel so dumb to ask them,cux they'll noe wad happened..
and i see roch in office,dun rly dare to tok to him..and he also nv tok..
it's so awkward,cux i'm sure he knew everything tt time..
he joked about tt ahgong and me bef..and i'm sure aft tt he'll know tt ahgong n rox..
since their clique outcasted them..

so i got to ask mervin this time..
i asked him how's rox like..
like hw's her character,can i trust her..

i said,i didnt rly talk to her much bef,dont rly know her tt well..
and he just said,she's someone who does things without rly thinking through..
i think mervin isnt tt close to her also,to know exactly hw she's like..

so i guess it didnt rly help much,as to whether i can trust her words or not..
maybe mervin's wrong about her..?i dont know..
maybe he's right about her..?

all those she told me,could be bec she was rly angry w tt ahgong tt time,so she just tell them all out to me,to destroy tt ahgong..without thinking..
and then aft tt telling me not to tell anyone..so it may be true..
if not,i rly hope is this,is tt she just mk up this whole story and just wanted to destroy tt ahgong totally..
though i guess she had no reason to mk up the story..

i told mervin i believe all the things she told me,and none of my frens believe her words..
cause it's too crazy..
and i asked if i'm right to believe her like tt..

and mervin said..
asked me to trust myself..believe in what i feel..dun care what others think..
i told him my fren will all think i'm stupid to believe tt ahgong..
they will think i'm stupid if they know i'm still thinking all these,cant forget..
and he just said,rly just trust urself..whether u believe tt ahgong or not..

but i doubt myself so much,whether am i rly stupid,or simply blinded by all the perfectly stitched lies by tt ahgong..

i told him i really trust,believe tt ahgong isnt so bad..
i asked if he saw how tt ahgong's like at work,how he does his work..
how can he be someone so bad and change so much..
when we even discussed so much about it when we werent tgt yet..
even talked about waiting till aft he grad..and all the things he did..
he cant be so bad..really..

but i also believe all the crazy things she told me..
cause i dun believe she can mk up such a big story and lie to me..
why will she lie to me..so i trust her,believe her also..
believing her story shd mean tt i accept tt the ahgong is a vvvv bad guy..

and yet,i still trust and believe tt ahgong isnt bad,deep inside..
so isnt it contradicting alrdy..shd be so clear to me,what kind of person he rly is..
then why cant i let go of it yet..cant forget tt ahgong,even for one day..

and he asked,if i still like him..
the ans is obvious,if nt i wont be talking to him about this ah..

i said,all my frens think tt ahgong rly is a bad guy..
not bec of rox story,bt bec of what tt ahgong did to me..
for telling me so much,making so much promises and yet..
and they all looked at me tt time,like i was so stupid,so crazily blinded..
and it was so painful,bec they didnt rly understand..
when it was so unbearable tt time,and i had to talk to them,i knew what they were thinking inside..how they werent rly happy about me nt letting go..
if i could hv hv kept it all inside me..i wouldnt hv talked..
and ended up,they have to see me tt way..
i rather i keep it all inside,and go crazy..and not want them to see me in tt way,and said all those things..
but i wasnt strong enough then..

talked until i teared..and i still quickly turn away..
talked quite awhile until he had to kp 'refreshing' his wrap up..
but still,big bro just cont to tell me to believe in myself..trust my feelings..
and said,if it's meant to be,it'll be..
asked if i'll wait..
how to..when i never got a proper ans to all those rubbish..
when he shd hv a gf there alrdy..
if i were to,how will my frens see me..

told him,i'm so dumb to be stucked so long..and it's going to be one yr alrdy..
why i so dumb still cant let go when tt ahgong also wont be affected anymore,guys can get over v easily..

and he said,not dumb..
said he took 1yr+ to get over one of his ex also..
keep saying trust my heart,ignore what rox said..
can i,is it so easy..
i can nv forget the things rox said..cant tk it tt its nt true..
and till now,thinking of the things she said about tt ahgong still scares me,disgust me..
but i rly wish it isnt true..

they all used to see tt ahgong as a good guy,so sweet,thoughtful..happy for me..
why didnt they stand by tt thought..
and i'm the only one left,standing by it,sillyly hoping tt one day,i'm right..
tt ahgong rly wanted to be better and to be well for those tt matter..

tt ahgong said before..
said he'll stand by tt ahpoh..
but he walked away just like tt..and cut her so deep..
but yet,tt ahpoh still stupidly seem to just keep staying there,standing right at the same spot..
hoping tt one day,maybe,tt ahgong will turn back,will rmb his promises..
those promises tt meant so much..

ahgong,u said bef..
'i dont want you to be unhappy,i want you to be happy forever..'

but why say that,and then end up be the person to mk tt ahpoh so unhappy all these time..
why say that,and then did all those to hurt me and cut me so deep..
it's so ironic..it's so dumb..

why make promises when u nv intended to keep to them..
why bluff urself to mk empty promises,why lie to me..
why break them one by one..

went orchard..then ps..

2011-09-07T00:31:00.007+08:00

went back work ytd..
and saw a email from tt guy who look like tt ahgong..
and he was asking for my fb..still ask me msg him at his num and tell him..
i'm so sianded..

aft wk tdy,went w sis for haircut..
and then we still went to meet mum n uncle for dinner..
even when my eyes were closing..
bec kaikia's there..

wanted the day to be packed..
so i can go home and go to slp straight..

went down to orchard..walked ard and had dinner..
and then went to ps..
orchard to ps..
as i sat in uncle's car,saw the outside fountain area of taka..
tt place where we walked past..where tt ahgong asked if he could smoke..
tt fountain place where we sat at..
tt place where tt ahgong saw all those branded shops,and asked which i like..

orchard to ps..
tt stretch of road we past by..
313,cuppage,then ps..
and in ps itself..
our first date,first movie..
our first day..
my happiest days,in ps..
and funnily,watched movie w 2 other guys at ps too..
i know them longer than i know tt ahgong..
they were good guys..better guys?
but,tt ahgong is the one tt touched me the most..
and make me rmb all these for so long,even when he's the one i knew for the shortest time ever..

it's still hurting up till now,everytime i pass by those places..
smtimes,i rly wish memories can be erased..
but yet,i treasure those memories so much..
i dont wish to forget..so ironic..
bec part of it are my happiest memories so far..
but it's so pain to be reminded of them..
thinking why were we so happy then,everything was so perfect and going well..
how did things changed so suddenly..
how could things have changed so drastically..
how did tt ahgong changed and seemed to become someone i never knew..

Happy 23rd birthday,Ahgong..

2011-09-04T22:53:00.022+08:00

Today's 04092011..
Happy 23rd birthday,Ah gong..

Last year,tt time,we just barely knew each other..
but i still got to know tt ahgong's bday by chance..
bec his bday wanted off and he asked to swap off day..
tt time he was being 'ec-ed' alrdy,wanted so much to help him also..
bt i had wk tt day, couldnt get off to go shings bday earlier also..
rmb tt day,cable billing team still had sm chalet also..jean n o went and kp asking me to go..
last time,the cable team was so much nicer and so fun..

last yr,we didnt rly know each other,but i could still wish him happy birthday face to face,one day in adv,thinking i was the first..
but another fren wished him first..
and tt ahgong still showed me his ic and driving licence,to show me he's born in 88..

this yr,i cant even send a msg or what to wish tt ahgong happy bday..
and i never ever got to get a present for tt ahgong..
when we got tgt,was so looking forward to celebrating our first bdays tgt..
what to make and get for tt ahgong..
but i guess i sillyly thought too far..

i thought for so long whether i shd send him a msg or what..
but i didnt want to wait for a reply tt will nv come,or just a cold reply..
so i guess i can only wish him here..

and secretly on fb..aghb..
Ahgong,happy birthday..

why am i so silly to want to wish tt ahgong happy birthday even when he did all those things..
why rmb his bday..when he didnt rmb mine,didnt wish me or anything..

last yr,the day aft his bday,sun..
went chomp w jean and o was working..so we dabao for her n go back office..
and jean dabao for her ec also..and we bought extra drinks,for other frens and tt ahgong also..and told him we bought extra..
asked him how he celeb..and tt ahgong said his bday he just went out for dinner..
and i still tried to ask is it w gf..and he said dont have,is w family at vivo..
and since he didnt rly seem to be v close to them,i guess tt ahgong didnt rly hv a great bday last yr..
and his fb dun hv his bday,last yr not many of his frens wished him also..

and tt day,we got to get free ride w those working late shift ppl taking taxi home..
and we shared one w tt ahgong..
tt first and only taxi ride we shared..

this yr,tt ahgong's overseas,celebrating his first bday there..
rly wish tt ahgong hv a great bday there w his frens..
thought his frens may not know when's his bday..
so i still stupidly msg tt roomie of his tt i msged bef..
and asked if he know tt ahgong's bday..
wishing tt they'll know,so they can celeb for him and let tt ahgong have a good and happy bday this yr..
even wanted to get sth and send to tt roomie and ask him to give ahgong saying is he buy de..
but so scared tt ahgong will qns,and guess shdnt rly bother his roomie so much..
feel so bad to msg his roomie,like troubling him or what..

but i guess its so silly to get sth for tt ahgong also..
so scared,his roomie might tell him or what..
from the first time i msged him,told him not to tell tt ahgong..
and he said he wont say a word..but still so scared he'll talk to tt ahgong about it..
and make me feel so dumb for doing all these..
so scared if tt ahgong know,he'll just send a msg and ask me not to do all these stupid things again..

and i guess, that ahgong will have a great bday w them..
the clique he's so close w,and tt girl,or gf i guess..
i guess that's all tt matters to him now..
and i guess everything's great for him over there now..

why so stupidly worry for him,for someone i totally shouldnt be worrying or thinking about..
someone who doesnt care about you anymore,having a happy life over there..
what can i do..i cant dont think or worry..
even when i try so hard to tell myself everytime,everyday,that he's a bad bad bad guy,that isnt worth me like tt..
but it still doesnt help at all..
nothing helps..

still went back for ot tdy..on a sunday..so dumb..
and it'll mean no off for 11 days..

and aft wk went for breadtalk's friend baby full mth tdy..
her baby was supposed to be due in early sept..
in the end,her baby,jayden came out one mth earlier..04082011..
was so surprised when she told me she gave birth le,so early..
why not one mth later,and he'll hv the same bday as tt ahgong..

and aft tt,still met sotongs for dinner at strictly pancakes..
and sotongs all got so scared of pancakes..

what a long day..
i wish evday would be like this..tiring myself out to the max..
so i can go home totally exhausted,and lie on the bed and fall aslp immediately..
so that i got no time at all,no energy at all,to think of and miss that ahgong..

but i dunno how long more i can hang on,cause it's rly rly so tiring,so draining..
sometimes,i rly feel like giving up..
but i'm more scared of the pain than the tiredness..

last yr,shing's 21st..

2011-09-03T23:58:00.007+08:00

last yr this sat..
It was 04092010,it was tt ahgong's bday..
Rmb tt ahgong said he took off for nth..
And i had wished tt ahgong happy bday one day in adv..

And shing had her 21st bday celeb at pasir ris chalet..
And we saw how happy she was..
With her happy family,her cute dad n mum..

One yr ago,everything was still so perfect and happy for her family..
but now,this yr her bday must be so different and so hard for her..
so crazy how one yr,or rather,a couple of mths,could change their life so much..
taking their dearest daddy away from them..

shing msged tt day..telling me say she dun wan to celeb her bday this yr..
saying not v nice to celeb..
telling me how its going to be so diff w/o dad to celeb w them..
saying she keep thinking of dad evday..
telling me its like falling out of love,everything she does reminds her of her dad..
still tell me mux treasure my parents,bring them out for dinner or what..

always see her words and feel so pain,so helpless,dont know how to help her..
can always tell her the same thing,saying tt daddy chan is up there looking down and taking care of them all..
saying tt daddy chan will want her to be happy also and have a gd bday too..
and tts all i could do to help her..
i wish i could do more,but i cant..

auntie vic came to pick me up aft my driving..
want to bring me go 'dou feng',since she just got her licence not long..
and mama neo havent rly let her drive out herself,or w frens..
so tt day,mama neo was w her..
and we pei mama neo for early dinner,and auntie vic managed to persuade her to drive on her own,without mama beside..
even though when vic say ah pek know how to drive also,ask her dun wry..
mama neo said,blind leading the blind~hahax..
but she still let us try for our first time..

so tt was auntie vic's first first time..
and i'm so honoured to be the first,BUT yet so stressed!!
we let mama neo went for house viewing first..
then went ikea for awhile and went back to pick her and sent her home..
bef going out for the night,all on our own..
it was a crazy experience,cause we ended up keep getting horned,esp taxis..
and it was so stressful,to have to help look out also..
if not later anything happen,i'll hv to be responsible also..
and we did have some dangerous encounters..rly crazy..
and we were rly bad at directions,keep going in circles and missed turns,and keep going the long way even when we used the gps..
and dumbdumb gps kept giving wrg directions and also so last min then give us instructions..
but still we managed,slowly learning..

told auntie vic about shing,and we decided to go santouka and give shing surprise..
sotong shing gave us some much food,more than what we ordered..
and ended up got nagged by some china girl..
and we were angry too,cux she ended up keep staring at us..
like we go all the way there for free food,no money to eat..
just told shing we can pay for it,dun wan the dumbdumb china woman keep staring..
irritating..
then shing just ignore her and ended up didnt want to go wk for one week..hahax..

sotong shing was so happy when we stepped in..
saw her so excited and smiling like tt..
i know how she feels..
i know her smile is smhw forced..deep inside it's hurting..
but at least she smiled..
tt's all we can do for her..to make her smile more,day by day..

aft tt,auntie vic wanted to fetch sis..
so from clark quay,we wanted to go cathay..
its like just so near only..but ended up we took like more than 30 mins to get there..
casue of the traffic and of course,we didnt know the way again..
kept turning and turning..dunno which turn to turn into..though we know its so near..
and we would have reached there faster if we took the mrt instead..
and in the end we could only stop at the road right infont of ps..
auntie vic sis was waiting at the bus stop right infront..
and bec of the railings there..she had to run all the way back and down again,bef she can get on the car..

so that was our first crazy driving experience..

exactly one more month..

2011-09-02T23:16:00.007+08:00

it's exactly one more month..
to that day..02102010..
and 2 more days,to tt ahgong's bday..

one year ago..
everything in my life was still soooo perfectly simple and normal..
and i never expected my life to change so much,in the subsequent weeks that came..
and i never expected my life could be so wonderful,so perfect,tt period of time..
the best time of my life yet..

and it was all because of a stranger..
sometimes,just one stranger can bring great meaning to your life..
but you'll never know which will and when will it happen..

he was supposed to be just another 'passer by' in my life,someone i duno,but will just see at work..
that's all.
but bec of tt customer..
things totally changed..
we crossed each other's path..
and eventually walked on tt same path,on life's long journey..
wishing that we'll be able to walk this journey,with each other by our side..

tt ahgong said he'll stand by tt ahpoh..
why say it,when you never intended to keep your words,or i guess you cant even rmb what you said..
why say it,when you never ever mean it..

if you thought of it,and said you'll stand by them..you'll rly mean it..
cause it's like such a big promise smhw..
if u didnt mean it,didnt want to do it,if you're nt serious,how could u have said it out..
so why say it out,when u never ever wanted to keep to it..
maybe u're just a great liar,saying things so easily..
promising so easily,and it doesnt hurt u at all when u break promises..

and in the end,it seems tt ahgong went back to being a stranger again..

meeting and getting to know a stranger isnt difficult..
but letting go of someone tt meant so much to you,and let him go back to becoming a stranger is the hardest thing ever..
esp if tt stranger changed your life forever..
cause not all strangers you meet will bring such great significance to your life..

We always meet so many strangers in our life,but you'll never know when one will change your life forever..

An unexpected surprise,an unexpected moment,an unexpected stranger,can just pop out and change ur life,forever.
When u least expected it.

he looks like tt ahgong..

2011-08-31T23:22:00.004+08:00

kept thinking bef i go back to office,shd i msg o to tell her how i felt or not..
couldnt decide what to say to her..to say sorry or what..
to tell her sorry,bec tt last time she conference call w jean n rox..
and i guess it was a v bad call,and jean was rly bad toking to her..
felt so bad for ignoring her calls and everything bef tt..
and when jean made me hang up,saying she want to talk alone w rox..
i didnt know she will call o,and 3 of them conf call..
i didnt know jean would talk so badly to her or what..

if i knew,i wouldnt have hanged up..cux it just make it like i owe o so much more..
and make me feel even more sry towards her..
when i think she didnt rly do anything wrong..but they all blame her..
like i always thought,if nt for o,i wouldnt hv had so much great memories w tt ahgong..

so instead of being angry w her or wad,i'm rly v thankful to her..
not that i wanted to ignore her tt period of time..
i was just so sianx of it,i didnt know how to face her,how to talk to her..
cause everytime she talked,she always had tt questioning tone or smhw sacarstic tone there,always questioning my faith,trust in tt ahgong..
and it felt rly bad..

even though i know they shd be right,since they all see tt ahgong in office..
but i just hated it,i just hate how they all saw tt ahgong..
tt ahgong tt they saw was totally different,totally changed..
totally not tt ahgong tt i got to know..
so i hated it soooo much..
tt they smhw didnt believe me,didnt believed tt the ahgong i knew tt time wasnt so bad,wasnt like tt..
they all saw the him bef tt,all thought he was nice,then why shdnt they question the change in him..
but instead just accepted it straight tt he's like tt..he's always been like tt..

yes,i guess they'll all say,people change..
such a drastic change in such a short time is just too crazy..
i have no ans why tt ahgong changed so much in such a short time..
so the only thing i could do was to hold on to the trust i had in him tt time,to believe..and like auntie vic said,maybe he did change,but his 'ben xing' is not bad..
but i guess they all thought it was stupid,dumb..
the truth is alrdy right infront,why still dun believe..why so stupid..tts wad o thought..

in the end,i just didnt msg o,thought it would be better to leave it like this..
and maybe i wont see her also..

but,from the first day i stepped back into office..
i was so scared of seeing o..
and the first day itself,she have to see me..
and still came to look for me..
she pat me,and i turned and saw her..
was so stunned and awkward..
and didnt rly know what to do..just smiled like norm..
been so long since i last see her like this,face to face..

and the first thing she said was..
'ni hai hao ma..'
and of course,i'll ans,i'm good ah..why not good..
what else can i ans..
and she asked why i came back etc..
so awkward..
the nx day she walked by where we were sitting again..
and i saw her again,and she still pat me on my head..
like she know i'm still not ok..
like last time..hw she'll 'comfort' me..

aft tt,always tried to avoid..dont rly want to see her,face her..
she's sitting at the other side,and we always go to the back and sit..

but today,we got chased by tls to move over there..
and no choice,was like sitting one row infront of her..
super awkwardness..
esp when mervin's sitting there also,he mux wonder why we arent sitting tgt,arent as close as last time,nv even tok..

so jux randomly sit at a table..
and then,this guy came later and sat beside..

after awhile..he started talking..i also duno how we started to talk..
i think he asked if we just started work or sth..
talked quite alot,till like we knew each other for v long..
and still helped me w stuff and disputive cust..
and then break he'll nap and still ask me to wake him up..
fren came over and still asked if he was my ex-colleague..say we talk until like so close frens..

the thing is..he smhw looks like tt ahgong..
tt shade of brown hair..tt fringe..
tt look..tt face he makes when he smiles,when we all were laughing bout sth..
the way he talks..his character..abit diff..isnt as tall..
he isnt as stressed and serious as tt ahgong always was..
but they look so similar..

i rly hate this..
is god playing w me..why let me meet someone tt look like tt ahgong and put me through this torture..
everyday i'm trying so hard to not think of tt ahgong as his bday's coming..
and tt day is coming..
and the pain increases each n everyday..
now i have to be reminded of tt ahgong everyday when i see this guy in office..

beeting's convo celeb~

2011-08-30T23:36:00.006+08:00

x2 pay tdy~
work.lunch w frens.aunt house.
evday is packed ttm..

congrats to dearest beeting...
the first to graduate amongst us..
had a mini celeb for her tdy..before she officially start work..
and start the nx phase of her life,as a working adult..
no more as a student..nx yr,it'll be our turn..

chatting and she was saying i having no life now..
so packed everyday..when can go out..
and asked me..if i was tired..
working,tuition,driving..and soon sch's going to start..
and i just smiled and say ok lar..since work isnt full shift..
and when sch start,work schedule can still arrange..

but actually,i feel so so so tired..
or rather,totally exhausted..
working at sh isnt an easy job..so many follow ups evday..
mentally exhausting..
and then tuition isnt just 1 day,but 3 days..
frens always so happy aft work,can go home le,can go out..
but i'm always stucked w tuition..
all keep asking me to stop the tuition..
but like so irresponsible..esp when her results rly bad and exams coming..
no choice but to hang on..

so scared when sch reopens..
dont know if i can survive and hang on..
evday,i keep looking forward to end of the day..
keep thinking of finish work,finish tuition..
and our shift's not full,so no lunch..
so aft wk,always just end up chionging for tuition,so can go home earlier..
and then,first meal = dinner..

and then aft dinner,smtimes i can almost immediately fall aslp on bed..
just slp even when my hair's still wet,and dun even care tt i just had dinner 5 mins ago..
tt's hw tiring it is..slping so early at 9+..when i always slp at like 3+,4+..
i think the last time i always slp so early is during pri sch days..

so busy,until sometimes,u feel u cant breathe..

i rly dont wish to be so tired,have so little time for rest and family..
but what else can i do..to numb myself..
everyday,as tt day gets closer,it gets increasingly pain..
and my tears can 'come out' easier and easier..
only when u become sooo tired..
till you'll feel ur eyes can close anytime,anywhere..
then those tears wont come out..
and also time passes faster..
and u'll completely be knocked out and dont even hv the energy to think much..
except to think of going to slp..

so pathetic,but what better ways are there..

hope that you had a good hari raya..

one year ago,clubbing..

2011-08-27T13:34:00.007+08:00

one year ago,this sat..
we had work..jean already quitted..
but came back office to wait for us..
to go for timbre dinner..and their clubbing..

i even rmb what i wore tt sat..
tt blue dress w a zip thingy on it..
cux tt ahgong sat opp me tt day..saw and asked if tt zip is real or not..
and i said it was,still tried to show him it can be zipped..
and tt ahgong still smhw laughed n smiled..i must have looked rly silly..
cant rly rmb if it was tt sat,tt the ahgong was wearing a blue cookiemonster tshirt..
it was tt sat where tt ahgong worked half day..
tt day where he left work n we were going lunch,and were in the same lift..
when we were at R lvl,i sillyly asked them what r was,and he ans roof..

that was tt first week tt i got to know tt ahgong..

aft work tt day..
still rmb went for timbre w jean n o..
and ended up,got dragged by them to butterfac..
and think tt day,i drank super alot,should be the most i had..
until abit blur blur and dizzy..crazy day..

and i rmb,jean got emo becux tt time she jux broke up w her bf..
hers was ldr..they just gt tgt and he had to fly off..but for like 3 mths only..
and they broke only when he came back..even though throughout the whole time he was there,jean emo-ed lots of time becux of so many things tt happened..
and i always had to talk to her..ask her to hang on and bear w it..
telling her since its ldr,sure more xinku..
she bear w it all the way until he was back,and they ended things..

i saw how jean was always so sad tt time,how she broke down so many times,and also at butterfac..
and all i could do was just pei her,talk to her,try to comfort her..
i nv rly got in a position like hw she was..always so emo about her rs..
and then crying so badly..
i nv rly had tt bad an experience bef..

but bec of tt ahgong,i got to realise how bad it feels..so much more bad.
and jean knew how much more bad mine was..
cux when it was 'my turn'..
she told me she undstd hw much more pain it must feel..
and i feel so silly infront of them..
one moment,they saw how happy i rly rly was..
one moment,they all thought and saw tt ahgong as a gd guy..
and i can nv forget jean saying,'can see tt he zai hu ni..'
but i guess all wasnt true..

bec the nx moment,everything went topsy turvy..

and she couldnt do much,but jux pei me also..
pei me all the way..
up until when rox wanted to call and talk to me..
pei me conference call w her..
if nt i rly wouldnt hv wanted to talk to her..

and i rmb..tt sat..
u msged first again..and gave in to me yet again..
u didnt have to give in at all..
all the other times,u rly didnt have to give in at all..

i know,all along..
u've always been bothered by the fact tt i'm always not the one tt msg first..
that i always dont tk initiative..tt i dont care enough..
not just to you,but towards other friends also isnt it..
i'll just say,i chose nt to msg first..
bec i know you'll always msg first in the end..
smtimes you'll wait and see if i'll msg,but in the end,you'll still give in and msg first..

the other time,when i was saying about stepping over the line,bec of chatting w someone till morn..i rmb u posted sth..
i can only say,it was bec smtimes,or alot times,it feels like it was going over the line..
and the only thing i thought i could do..was to not msg first..
i know you'll just say friends ah..not stepping over..
but tt was how i thought things can and should be done..and continue like this..

but i guess,all along,it always bothered you..

aft all these,isnt it clear,that it's not worth it..
i'm not worth for you being so nice to..i dont deserve it..
just let me be,just let me be..
everytime u turn back,just makes me feel so bad..
bec each time u turn back,and end up sth unhappy happens again..
then it'll make feel and look so bad all over again..
i'm not a good friend..i'm not worth it..
u deserve other better friends..

it's just like how i cant face olivia,now..
she didnt do anything wrong also..instead,she helped me alot alot..
and i shd rly be thankful to her..
if not for her,i wouldnt have had the best time of my life..
if not for her,i wouldnt have had so much great memories w tt ahgong..
if not for her,there wouldnt have been ahgong and ahpoh..

you helped me alot too,esp through tt period of crazy time..
i know the things u did,bt didnt want me to know..
both you and tt ahgong spoke to auntie vic,and didnt want me to know..
i dont know what exactly you all talked about..but i know you wanted to help me..

i didnt say anything,doesnt mean tt i dont know,dont care..
doesnt mean tt i'm nt thankful..

but i guess,in your eyes,tt's how i am,and i'm the worst friend one can have..
doesnt matter..i know how bad i am..

tt's why i always say,you're too nice,and i rly dont deserve it..
and time aft time,i always try to run away and put us in those unhappy situation..
but time aft time,you still come back and apologise,tell me hw sry u are..
and end up just make me feel so bad..

you said bef trust has to be earned..
asked me if rox had earned any trust,for me to believe her crazy story..

it's the same,i didnt do anything,i didnt earn anything,i rly dont deserve it..
other ppl definitely deserve it more than i do..
i guess you'll definitely be better off..

i'm sorry for being such a lousy friend..
and thank you for all the things you've done..

i dont just rmb things about tt ahgong..
just like you all think,tt i keep on just rmbering only about stuff about tt ahgong..
why think of it,why rmb..so stupid of me..
it's just that i rmb,i clearly rmb..
i dont think of it,its just there..in the head..all the images,flashbacks..
it's not tt easy to forget at all..
if i can even rmb other stuff not related to tt ahgong..
then those related to tt ahong,must be even more significant to me..
and even harder to forget..

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met."

last year this week..

2011-08-24T22:00:00.005+08:00

one year ago,this wed..
i rmb we celebrated ahma's,xh's 21st bday at glasshouse fish n co..
i rmb i had a bad day at work,so many disputes and crazy cust..
so bad until had to stay back to ot and then rush for the dinner..
and mood was totally ruined..

it was one year ago..
but it still feels like it just happened ytd..
and mon,we celebrated their bdays again..
so so crazy..

and i guess one year ago,this same week..
it was this week that i met tt ahgong..
cant rly rmb which day..but i know its this week..
the week aft kaikai was born..

this week..
it should be one year since we met,since we known each other..
but..

because its this week..
i kept thinking back tt day where i went ard looking for halton,tt ahgong..
kept thinking tt moment where i first saw and found tt ahgong,and first spoke to him,standing beside him,and him sitting down..
tt brown hair guy w the wrist guard,tt was quite easily spotted,tt shade of brown i still clearly rmb..
kept thinking tt moment where i asked if he was halton..
and he still tried to cfm,and i asked again william yeong wei yang right..
tt stressed look on his face..
just kept thinking of tt 'first moments' where we met..

kept thinking how tt first interaction led to all the events tt happened subsequently..
how amazing an experience it was..not jux in the gd sense,but also the bad..
how bec of tt short short moment..it changed me,changed my life so much..
amazingly crazy,sweet,memorable..
amazingly crazy,bitter,torturing..

'amazingly sweet yet crazily bitter;happy yet unhappy;
unlucky but yet luckily blessed at the same time,and it'll be inside forever..'

it rly changed me,my life forever,it left a great impact on me..
it was a short short time,but i dont know why it left behind such great memories..

we were strangers..
never dreaming that dreams will come true..
but from tt moment on,things changed,everything changed..
'thinking to go to the top with you..'
and maybe for a moment,dreams,sweet dreams rly do come true..
so sweet,you'll never believe it..
like now,how qns it sometimes..did it rly happen to me..cux it seems too crazy..

from tt moment on..
we werent strangers anymore..
and we werent like so many other strangers we always meet in life..that come and go in our life..
we smhw became impt,significant,matter,to each other,on this life journey..
or maybe not we,he,tt ahgong became so impt to me,bec he affected me so much..
and there will always be a part of him w me,forever..

and i just thought it's so funny..
how tt one moment can make such a great differnce in our lives,maybe his didnt change much,but mine,it sure did changed alot..

and i thought if tt moment didnt happen,if tt unexpected surprise didnt popped out of no where,how would life be like now..
how would life be like,if i didnt met tt ahgong..
how would life be like,if we didnt enter each other's life..
how would life be like,if we werent each other's ahgong and ahpoh..

i guess,my life would be so boring smhw..so peaceful..so normal..
not as 'exciting'..
even though it have to be so pain aft going through an 'exciting' experience..
if i can choose again..i would still choose to meet tt ahgong..
i guess i'm stupid..
bec who would choose to go through this again,when they know how much pain,and hurt they'll get..

because,it was the best thing that happened to that ahpoh..

kaikai's one~

2011-08-21T22:53:00.003+08:00

one year ago,210810,this day,a saturday..
kaikai came to this world one mth early,to join in our family..
rmb tt sat i was at work..and at night,mum called or wad to tell me he's born..
he was supposed to be due in sept,but ended up giving us a surprise..
and end up,he was so small,so tiny..and everyone was quite worried..
so small until didnt rly dare to carry him..

one year has past so quickly,and he celebrated his first birthday ytd~
he was so tiny but now he's so chubby and well and healthy..
so heavy until all of us cant carry him for long..
have to take turns and take care of him,play w him..

one year ago,this sun..
i still rmb i went back to work..
tt crazy working 11 days straight to chiong ot,and so cont working on sun for the bonus ot..

rmb some things tt happened at work..
tt day where so few were at work,so empty..it was quite slack..
o was there too..and tt ec..sm dept head even treated us bubble tea..
and tt morn till night,only had tt bubble tea until tt late dinner at chomp w auntie vic..
sun bonus ot meant we only had to work 6 hrs instead of 8 hrs?but still get paid for 8,i think..so end quite early..

met auntie vic at bugis,for random manicure n shopping..
wanted eat astons,went to suntec bt last order over le..
so we went chomp instead..
and the 2 of us glutton ordered soooo much food,really..
till the ppl sitting nx to us kept looking..
ate till quite late until auntie vic called mum to pick her..

and we had a crazy laugh aft dinner..
bec auntie vic did the most dumb/blur thing ever..
she used her legs to flag at a car she thought was her mum's..
and when the car jux drove off w/o stopping..it meant it wasnt her mum..
we realised how dumb we mux have looked..and laughed like crazy..
till now,still can rmb tt scene where we were standing by the roadside..

but this happened one year ago..
rly so scary..
to think back,and realise it was one year ago..
i dunno why is time like passing faster and faster each n every day..
yet the pain doesnt go away day by day..

it's getting more and more unbearable..
as each and every day pass..
and gets nearer to tt ahgong's bday..
gets nearer to tt period of time where we just knew each other one yr ago,where we had so much fun tgt,tt best period of time of my life..
gets nearer to tt first day..01-02102010..

mum and dad bday~

2011-08-19T23:08:00.006+08:00

it's dad n mum's birthday..
happy birthday~

celebrated mum's chi bday previously,tt time while she was sick..
and mum mux have thought we wouldnt celeb again tdy..
bec we all were busy,had work,then tuition till late..
and bro sis all out..
aunt popped over..hide in my room..
and waited for bro to be back w cake..
mum alrdy off her lights watching tv in her room..
we lighted the cake and went in to give her a surprise..
and she rly didnt see it coming totally..

so busy havent got time to get them their present..
when i jux entered the house..saw dad n wish him happy birthday..
and the first thing he said was,where's my present..

last yr,i rmb mum's bday still had work,late shift some more..
aunt brought her out for dinner..
couldnt tk off,so asked tl to let me go off earlier..
so we could cut cake tgt..
one year ago one year ago one year ago..
i still can rmb what happened..

why is time passing so fast and yet its not helping at all..
they all say,let time do the work..time heals..
but does it rly help..

happy national day~

2011-08-09T23:43:00.004+08:00

happy national day~
singapore's 46th..

as we leave school,or rather sec,jc..
the national day feel gets lesser and lesser..
the mood isnt there..
it was always like so fun and happening in sch,the day bef nat day..
singing all those nat day songs,watching performance,everybody so high..
esp when in cedar..
and also,half day sch..and we'll end up going out w frens..

but now,none of all those..
the day bef nat day was so busy..
no fun sch celebrations or wad..
and the actual national day,doesnt even rly feel like it..
except when we're watching it on tv..
used to be able to watch those fireworks from chiltern park..
can see those planes,flying directly over us,straight towards marina..
and tt one yr,where the planes made a heart shape w the smoke,we could even see it from our house..

at aunt house,everyone all rushed up the stairs so quickly,to the rooftop when the fireworks started,to see if we can see,cause tt area there is more or less low rised houses..
but still,couldnt see..
so sianx..

one year ago,on this day..
clearly rmb working on tt day..
how we were slacking ard and stuff..sitting ard and talking..
joked about the num of calls waiting,almost 0,when norm can hit 100 over..
and some didnt even rly want to to pick up those few calls..
think o made pasta from home..
and we still slowly ate since tt day was so slack..

end work,quickly went da bao food,and went over kengx house..
to watch those fireworks..

and its scary to think back of one yr ago..
bec i still can clearly rmb,like it jux happened ytd..
so scary,tt time seem to pass quicker and quicker..
one yr can just fly past like tt..
rly scary..
can time slow down..

one year ago,today..
i still havent met tt ahgong yet..
and everything was still so fine,so nice..
my simple simple simple happy life..
rly miss those days..
rly want to go back to those days..

dont know if i want to go back to last yr this time,bec it was still my simple life then..
or if i want to go through those days i was w tt ahgong..
rly dont know..

fully packed day.

2011-08-08T23:43:00.002+08:00

today seems like the busiest,packed whole day in dunno how long..
early morn went for sm redundant interview,then lunch w shir..
and dumbdumb agency last min tell me go down again to sign stuff..
so i had to chiong all the way down to tanj pag..
then chiong all the way hm again,to change for driving..
cant drive in dress..hahax..
and left hm straight..for 2 driving lessons again..
and chiong tuition again..
one whole day,how many places..
omg..

and i guess,soon when work starts..
it'll get even more crazier..
and esp when sch starts..

recently..
suddenly,every other day seem so packed..
esp aft adding on driving..
trying to chiong lessons and going 2 at one go..
so by right,shd be able to finish n take test in nov,dec..
so hopefully can pass by this yr end..
just gt pdl last week,and just nice had slots for the next few days..
what an experience for the first ever driving lesson..

esp,when i went for 2 consec lessons,when its my first time..
will never forget this crazy first time..
thks to the nt so friendly,and sacarstic instructor..
thks to him,for making me mount curb and make it my fault..
when everyone agrees its his..
and all bec of him,everytime i make turnings,gt tt phobia le..

first lesson finished basic intro,and stuff early..
first instrc was nice n gd..
and we moved on to what was supposed to be for nx lesson,into circuit to try..
still told me not to tell the other instruct i tried inside alrdy..
went a few rounds myself,and everything was gd,he still said,my turning was gd,for beginners,and better than sm guys..
he didnt specifically teach me and tk note,which turn was gentle,which was more sharp..
just let me drive and based on my judgement..

sec lesson,the instrc was telling me which turns gentle,etc etc,how to control..
then my turn..and he asked if i came in bef,so i said no..
and so went rounds again..
the lesson just started nt long only,and he started to say i keep overturning into corners..
so i just said okok..
and soon aft,tt quite sharp turn,tt i'll forever rmb..
and tt whole lesson,i thought ok,fine,i overturned,tts y we mounted the curb..
until aft when i thought back what happened..
how it happenned..

rmb it was like so crowded at the corner,so stressed,and i rly slowed down alrdy..
was halfway turning le,and he started saying i overturning into right..
or rather not saying,quite loud smhw,nt so happy,pleasant voice..
quickly grabbed my wheel to stop me from turning some more..
and then we went up the left curb!
nt just a little of the car,seemed like almost half of the car,was on the curb!

everything seemed to happen so suddenly and quickly,rly didnt even gt to see the curb coming..
just rmb,hearing him so loudly,then tt loud sound..
and everything seemed to be so messed up..
and saw his super unhappy,'pissed' face..
made me even more stressed and shocked..
it was rly omg..
cant forget how fast my heart was beating when i heard tt loud bang..
and totally stunned,pause there dun dare to do anything..
until he told me wad to do..

aft tt,throughout the whole lesson,i was super super stressed..
still had to try so hard to multi task,listening to him teaching n driving..
if not i'll see more unhappy faces..or more 'scoldings'..
couldnt wait to end lesson,and tt incident did made me feel like stop learning alrdy..
and seeing his unhappy face rly omg..
he keeps saying i nt scolding u right..
bt the things he say are sooo sacarstic,and his face and expression says it all can..
like when i'm steeping on the clutch too long,he'll say,u can let go of ur dearly clutch alrdy,in tt sacarstic tone..

even when i just simply stall engine,his face alrdy so nt happy..
i just started only ah,supposedly my first day only..
isnt it so common for beginngers to stall..even pros smtimes still will stall ah..
and i know i stall 2,3 times only eh..
why still hv to give tt face..
not like i mount curb again..irritating..
and when the car jerks too much bec of my breaking,he like move forward so much until abit exaggerated,as if he cant control a little..

and there was this other car infront,dunno wad they learning..
driving so slowly,and kept signalling left right,change lanes left n right..
so i was behind them quite awhile,until i was quite distracted by their lights..
cause their lights keep blinking,so have to see whether they coming in my lane or not,and so i was driving slowly..
was v near them..
then the instrc said,dun bother about them,dun need see tt car,just see ur front,ur lane..
it's like tt car alrdy chg lane so many times,hw can i dun look at tt car,to know whether are they going to change into my lane again??
dun need care??so dumb can..
later accident,my fault again..
so angry w tt instruc..

first,made me mount curb..and push the blame to me..
still say becux i overturned,i almost caused an accident..
if i rly overturned into right,why would we have mount the left curb??
he just grabbed and stopped me turning,so it means i didnt turn enough into right wad..
if i cont,we wouldnt have mount the curb..
esp when i alrdy tried a few rounds,inner n outer lanes le eh..
the judgement is there alrdy ma..
nt like it was my first round,saw tt sharp turn,panic,so i turn my wheel 1.5 rounds meh..

then,all those unhappy faces,expressions clearly written all over his face..
his sarcasm..
and his impatience..can clearly hear from the way he instructs me wad to do nx..
turn left....turn right...monotone and super sianx voice..

if no patience and cant ctrl ur 'angry,unhappy' feelings..
then why work this job..why 'teach,instruct'..
he rly want to try and test his patience??
then control..

u cant expect to get all those experienced learners ah..
those who wun stall,wun break too hard,wun step clutch,wun mount curb..
why work this job,when u alrdy look so sianx,bored,cant tahan,just sitting on tt car,tt goes 20km/hr..
maybe i'm a lousy learner,but his attitude is way too bad..

and then,end of lesson,his attitude totally change,like nt sianx anymore,brighten up..
cux its end of work..and his tone of voice also diff..
still said bye,like happily..
and i didnt rly want to reply..

i seldom get so angry so easily w ppl..
but he rly made me super angry..
what's more,he still made me have tt fear nw..

praying hard tt i wont get him again..
if nt i'll go choose one perm one..

and thks auntie vic for waiting for me aft her lesson,while i hv mine..
and banmian and chicken again~

auntie vic driving exam nx wk!!
on her bday!!since i think one mth ago she's alrdy saying she's scared..
and now it's rly coming..
and we're both so excited bout it already..
hahax..already making plans about what to do aft she pass..
pick me up from wk,do dinner,etc etc..hahax..
that's if she passes..
praying hard hard for u~

one more month to tt ahgong's bday~

2011-08-04T22:28:00.003+08:00

4th august..
one more month to tt ahgong's bday..
last yr he didnt seem to had a great bday celeb..
rmb he said he just went vivo for dinner w his family..
didnt seem rly happy..
and we werent v close,and i only gt to wish him happy bday one day in adv..
his fb doesnt have his bday..
dunno if his close fren roomie and clique would know or not..
dunno if they would help him celeb..

breadtalk friend finally gave birth to her baby boy tdy..
should have been early nx mth..but so unexpectedly early by one whole mth..
guess baby cant wait to meet his mummy..
and i cant wait to go see him too..
so funny how both of us becum so close,when beginning i was scared of her..
she was the cashier head..
and when i jux went there,it was her who taught me everything..
and her face always like so black,seldom laugh..
can rmb how becux of aunt who was area mgr there..
tt's y went to work at breadtalk..
and also another cashier which join us frm another outlet..
didnt rly like her at the beginning..
but ended up,we were the closest..
kept on going tt period of time..
still have nicknames for each other bec of a misunderstanding btw our cust n us..

another work experience i'll nv forget..
and the nice ppl i met there..
quite sometime ago since i worked there..
jc,till uni,went back to work smtimes..
miss working there also..
bt since the ppl there arent the same anymore..
cant go back there..and the mgr~

night jogging for the past 2 nights..
dunno why,these few days,weeks..
those thoughts inside,the pain,are getting crazier n crazier..
as tt day is nearer..
i rly hate this feeling..
just wanted to run and run and sweat them all away..

a fren gt attached ard tt same period of time as us..
and every their mth anniv,they'll be posting sweet stuff on fb..
celebrating hw many mths tgt..
and for me,just counting how many mths of pain..
hw long has it been,and why is it still so hard to forget..
cant be forgotten..

we didnt even get to celeb one mth..
tt first time at his house..was supposed to be one mth if nth happned in btw..
so all those crazy things tt happened at his house,was it smhw counted a 'celeb'..
or more like a breakup day..tt he planned..

but still,running doesnt just solve everything..
doesnt clear our memory..
smhw,sweating it out,tiring myself out,maybe like letting it all out..
but..

esp,when tt ahgong talked about jogging..seemed to like jogging..
saying about going jogging tgt..
hw i was rly looking forward to them..
looking forward to going morn jogging ev wkend w tt ahgong,then hv breakfast tgt..
thought of hw nice it would be..
but those days nv came..

everything,so much things we talked about,wanted to do tgt..
we never got to do them..
never had the chance..
and i guess we'll never have the chance anymore..

2nd August.

2011-08-02T23:16:00.002+08:00

it's the 2nd of august..
2nd day of the mth..

national day is coming soon..
rmb last yr,had work on tt day..
and it was fun..
cux there were super few calls,and we were rly sitting ard lazing..
seldom had no calls to pick up,tt was like one of the vvv few days..
and it was a ph,so x2 pay..
and aft past few yrs of trying to go down n catch those fireworks..
squeezing w crazy crowds..
last yr,aft work,just went over to kengx place n see those fireworks..
used to be able to see from old house..but not now..
guess,no fireworks this yr..

first it was tt ahgong tt seemed to be 'responding' to my statuses last mth,so coincidental again..
him posting,'take a step back and look.is this the ans?'
and then 'find what you are looking for and may it be great..'
then it was olivia..

it isnt just once..
the other time i posted..
'people don't really change. we like to believe they do, but they don't.'
and she posted soon aft..
'Ppl really do change we choose to believe they dun....or they have been this way,we choose not to believe..'

i guess she must know i'm smhw saying tt ahgong..
and she posted tt..then she must still think tt ahgong isnt a gd person..
if she rly felt tt way,then i rly dont undstd why would she go and comment and posted sth on tt ahgong's wall,asking when is he coming back..
why would someone care and ask a 'bad person' when is he coming back..
it's so weird..

then i posted..
‎"Faith..is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted,despite your changing moods.."
and she posted super fast,again like within half an hr..
"Have Faith.... (:"

what am i supposed to think..
to think tt it's just a coincident..so similar stuff..
how am i supposed to do it,time aft time..
not just her,but tt ahgong also..

she should know tt up till now,things i post are still related to tt ahgong smhw..
why ask me to have faith..
when tt faith i was refering to was tt faith for tt ahgong..
tt faith we shared..
tt faith tt i dunno if it ever existed..but i rly wished it did..
why ask my to have faith in someone she think isnt a good guy..
i rly rly dun undstd..
maybe the faith she's referring to is saying about having faith in life..?
i dunno..
at tt point in time,i rly had an urge to msg and ask her what was she doing..

aft smtime,she posted..
'For all my gfs: love is like holding one stalk of rose in our hands, hold it too tightly you will crush it, hold it too loosely you might drop it. If you feel is tiring holding it then let it go, else treasure what's on your palm now... For love is never everlasting (;
P.S how you wanna hold it is yours to make ignore what others have said'

the last sentence..how u wanna hold it is yours to make,ignore what others have said..
is it so easy to ignore what others have said..
like what she told me of him,what rox told me..
is it so easy as how she said it..
why say sth like tt,when she know,how it's quite impossible..
unless only,if what they all said,are lies..

and now..
i just posted only..
'如果每次都握不住自己想要的幸福，那剩下仅能做的就是紧紧守住那些珍贵，美好的回忆。因为，回忆会是永恒的，而现在的我们也只能从它得到真正的微笑。'

and she posted again..
'To love some one you have to love his weakness as well....'
'how could one 4get love in secs,mins,hours even days or months.... only true love takes time to heal... to recover....'

tell me,she's not 'telling' me all these after all these coincidences..
why would she say its true love,when in everybody's eyes,it shouldnt be..
he was just a big baddie,why would there be any true love..
esp for olivia,who shd have seen everything he did,the good and bad..
then it shouldnt be true love at all,cux one wasnt true,he wasnt..

what is she trying to do..
i guess maybe she's trying to be nice,'comforting' me smhw..
but tt wasnt how she was tt time..
she was scolding me tt time,was so angry,not happy w wad i was doing,saying why am i so stupid,etc..

she's just making me feel even more bad..
was talking to auntie vic tt day,whether or not i shd tok to her,say sry or wad..
it feels so bad to be like stucked in the middle..
jean and shir,both rly hate her,nv want to tok to her anymore..
and when i told shir bout wad o posted,she just told me to delete her n ignore her..
i know i nv was rly angry w olivia,all along,i just slowly rly didnt know hw to face her,got so scared of hw she talked to me,and questioned me bout tt ahgong..
just chose to 'escape' from her smhw,rly dunno hw to face her and talk to her..

i miss those times we went out tgt,it was nice,she's fun,caring..
just tt maybe when she's unhappy or wad,her attitude may nt be v gd..
but we got used to it,bec we know tts her..and she's rly ok..
even as much as i wish things can go back to last time..
i guess i rly dun have the courage to face her and talk to her..
and i guess things will nv be the same anymore..
the awkwardness will always be there..
esp wad am i supposed to say about why jean n shir are ignoring her..
its so difficult..
and i know it's impossible to ask jean n shir to 'be friends' w her again..

and ended up,we thought,maybe leaving things as it is now,is the best way..
maybe i should just cont being a bad guy smhw..
and carry cont to carry tt bad feeling,tt guilt w me..
hoping tt smday it'll go away..

'如果每次都握不住自己想要的幸福，那剩下仅能做的就是紧紧守住那些珍贵，美好的回忆。因为，回忆会是永恒的，而现在的我们也只能从它得到真正的微笑。'

这不是第一次。也不是的二次。
已经一次又一次的发生，多得我真的害怕了，害怕到不敢去回想，到底发生过几次。
我真的害怕了。
那种，已经得到了，然后下一秒就失去了的感觉，已快变得如此熟悉，也已变得如此麻木。
不管我们如何紧紧的握住，守住，那幸福还是会溜走，溜得远远地。
就好像空气一样，不管你用什么方法，怎样也握不牢。

幸福，到底是什么东西，为什么那么折磨人，为什么能让人痛彻心扉。
为什么，对有些人，却又是如此的简单，轻而易举。
我想，我所有的勇气已彻彻底底地用尽，我也不敢在奢望，期盼着拥有幸福。
因为，幸福真的太难捉摸了。

我唯一能做的是，紧紧守住那些珍贵，美好，真实的回忆。
因为，回忆会是永恒的，而现在的我们也只能从它得到真正的微笑。
微笑，才能给予我们力量，抚平我们那丑陋的伤疤，便更勇敢地继续我们的人生旅途。
微笑，才能迎来更美好的明天。
微笑，才能对得起自己。

微笑，因为，那阿公还说过。。
不要我不开心，要我永远的开心。。

微笑，因为，他曾叫我。。
笑一个吗。。

it's august.

2011-08-01T23:30:00.003+08:00

it's august already..
crazily fast~

and i quitted from tt job,crazily fast too..
2 weeks..
rly too tiring..
work plus all the tuition is rly crazy..
and rly leaving home early morn,reaching hm late..
and slping super super early..
broke record tt day,right aft dinner,couldnt take it and fell aslp at 9+..
its like since pri sch,havent been slping at or bef 10..

one day at work..
was checking the certs to be sent out to companies..
and i saw one for starhub..their bcm cert..
and the next one..
was attentioned to tt ahgong's name..

and last day of work..
was dumb..
saw tt ahgong's name popping out again n again,for diff companies..
at least 5 times..
everyday do almost the same stuff,use the com,but dont rly see his name popping out..
bt tt day,it just keeps appearing..

and i rmb tt one time at office..
tt day olivia was planning a movie outing..
tt ahgong mc,but still was going..
i didnt rly wanted to go,cause tot it was weird,awkward..
and olivia wasnt rly happy..

then aft awhile she tried to ask me again..
and my cust particulars was still there,and his name was same as ahgong's also..
so i said,from then till end of work,if i get 3 cust w the same name then i'll go..
even though its quite a common name,it was still hard to keep getting cust w the same name..
and it was only 2,3 hrs till end work..
and usually it'll always be alot diff,funny,unique names..
but ended up,tt day..
i kept getting cust w tt same name,william..
and i went tt day..
if i didnt go tt day,i guess i wouldnt have been able to sit on tt ahgong's car..

harry potter and the deathly hallows.it all ends here~

2011-07-26T23:41:00.002+08:00

eyes got swollen from those stupid tears,in the morn..
dragged myself to work and didnt dare look at colleagues,scared they'll notice..
felt so bad tt day,and left work early..
just wanted to stay home..
but beet booked tics for hp already,so dragged myself out again at night..
luckily by then eyes were ok alrdy..if nt i dunno wad to say..
bec i guess only auntie vic knows i still secretly cry bec of tt ahgong..
and they wouldnt know anything since v long ago..

harry potter..
can never forget the first movie was out when we were 2001,10 yrs ago..
when we were only in p6..
still rmb it came out end of the yr,oct or nov i guess..
and i watched it w the first him..
rmb the things he said n did inside the cinema..
rmb how we got tgt n stuff..
rmb how he always walked me home aft sch..

and also rmb,one other impt him was there watching w us too..
tt him tt asked bef,bt i nv got to be w,and the one tt left me alot of regrets also..
and also qns tt i nv got the ans..
we used to be so close tt period of time,talking on ph evday also..
and seem to be even closer to him than tt first him,on the ph w him more..
rmb he taught me maths over the ph,he sang too,and smtimes still tried to beatbox..
and one time,cross country the nx day,he taught me how to run too..
still rmb,how he was teching me how to breathe the proper way,still saying mux imagine he's at the finish line jiayou-ing..
it's crazy,i dunno hw i rmb all these..
if i could still rmb all these,from 10 yrs ago..

then i guess those things about tt ahgong,i wouldnt forget so easily or never would forget..

first hp movie w first him..
and i thought last yr,i could watch tt last hp movie w tt ahgong..
but it didnt happen..i guess maybe he watched it w her..
i watched w auntie vic,and ended up aft the movie,aft dinner..
crying when they asked n talked bout tt ahgong..
we watched it on 25nov,1 mth bef xmas..

it was 7 mths ago..
same ps cinema..
and coincidentally,auntie vic and i both watched it tdy,26th..
7mths just went by like tt..
when it rly seems like we just watch part 1..
it's so crazy..

auntie vic was saying she give the movie 5 popcorns..
and i just got reminded of tt ahgong..
how he was choosing which movie we should watch,by comparing which movie got more popcorns..
ps cinema..as we walked into the entrance..
i just stared at the thingy they use to scan hp,for those mobile tics..
rmb hw tt ahgong told me can just go in straight,say wont need tics..
is it so easy to forget..

went into the cinema,and ended up this bunch of guys were sitting at our seats..
and beet started to ask them..
ended up they find out they were in the wrong cinema..
quite dumb ah,and funny..
so many of them,and no one realise they went into the wrong one..
then we were saying,imagining what will happen if we didnt get those seats..
then they'll have to wait till the movie start to realise they're in the wrong cinema ah..
first time meeting ppl in the wrg cinema..

was still msging auntie vic..
telling her i feel so stupid,to still cant forget and can still cry bec of it..
and she said..
'really,the scar has been so deep so deep tt it requires someone else to smear it up beautifully..'

the scar so deep so deep,will it ever be gone,even if someone smears it up..
tt feeling,tt fear,tt pain will still be there,or rather will nv be able to forget how it felt like..

telling her rly dunno whether if i'm unluckly or lucky..
unlucky cux tt 1 mth ended up making me hurt till nw like a silly crazy girl..

lucky cux i noe tt 1 mth was rly the best 1 mth ever,and meeting him tt ahgong,is rly the best thing tt happened..
lucky cux he said things i'll nv ever forget,things others wont say..

bt he didnt fulfil,keep any of our promises..

and auntie vic said..
'there's pros and cons ba.sweet yet bitter.happy yet unhappy.unlucky but yet luckily blessed at the same time...open up ur heart sage box and lock it deep deep within u ok..'

was i rly luckily blessed..
i feel more unlucky though..
cause i was rly rly rly happy tt time...
but tt happiness,i rly dunno if it was true or not..
as in whether or not,what he did was true..
whether or not it was worth me being happy about it..
i rly dunno,i nv will know..

and for someone that everyone sees as a big baddie..
as much as i rly like to..
but is it worth to open up my heart sage box and lock it deep deep within me..
will i seem even more stupid to 'lock a big baddie' inside me..
i know i know the ans..
i know i will keep him inside..
even when i know i look stupid..
i still cant stop myself..

is it so easy like hp movie,just saying it all ends here,means it rly will all end..
i'm sure,everyone feels weird tt hp movies are over,no more next one coming up..
yes,maybe aft awhile everyone will get used to it..
but i guess,it'll still be inside us smhw,the movie tt we grew up w..

it's easy to say it all ends here,but its so hard to do it..

fullerton.

2011-07-26T00:37:00.005+08:00

out w auntie vic tdy..
supposed to go fullerton to catch a performance..
ended up didnt catch it..

so auntie vic decided to visit the toilet,since it was her first time there..
and tt familiar scene,i saw again..
those curved stairways down..
tt curved basement,toilet entrance..

rmb tt first day back at sch..
and tt random night out roaming ard city hall,raffles place area..
and ended up going in fullerton,and their toilet..
rmb tt ahgong tried to help me massage as we went down..
rmb they all went in..
rmb tt ahgong's backview,carrying his black bagpack,going in..
then we were waiting outsite,sitting..??
it all still seems like just ytd,cause i can still see those images clearly in my head..
see those smiles on our faces,then..
but in actual fact,it's going to be one year soon..

was msging auntie vic..
she was saying she didnt go in experience bef..
and i couldnt help bt said i experienced it bef w tt ahgong..
msging msging,until couldnt control and went to hide in toilet..
telling her,working now just make me miss tt ahgong even more..
esp when i hear my colleague opp talking on the ph..

like how i used to hear tt ahgong opp talking on the ph..
how i wish i can go back to tt small 'cubicle' seat again,and just sit there..
talking to cust,and in btw,hearing tt ahgong talk to cust in his voice,and his cute chi..
and early morn at work,can see tt ahgong come to work..
and when he sees me black face he can ask me to xiao yi ge..
and then when either or us stands up,can see each other,smtimes talk,ask stuff..
and seeing tt glutton ahgong,always buying food,those bread,donuts from opp..
and tt ahgong asking why i shivering when toking to him and will offer his jacket..

how i wish i can go back to this time,last year..
and i'll never allow things to happen the way it happened..

i would never had let it slip away..

bgc,tt ahgong's agency..

2011-07-20T00:18:00.004+08:00

went down bgc ytd..
the agency tt ahgong went to..
rmb the file holder he had in his bag w bgc name on it..
tt he took out and use it to fan us both on tt day below my house..

started work today,and was regretting so much..
so far..and ended up the job was so boring..and the ppl arent v friendly..
thought working in audit dept in a german mnc,is quite nice and cool and i can learn stuff related to my course..
ended up,seems like not much can be learnt..
and just keying in more and more invoice numbers..

and the whole of this first day i was already thinking about quiting..
and miss working in sh so much..so near..and so much more interesting..
rather get scolded by cust and talk to them than having to face the com whole day keying in numbers,in tt boring environ..

asked the agent whether i could quit w just 3 days notice..
and ended up..the agent whom i was so angry and pissed w ytd..
called when i was almost going to slp..and talked as if we're gd frens..

tt agent kept giving me missed calls,spam my ph,aft i said will call him back but didnt call him back,cux was at another interview..
called him back and explain,ended up still got smhw 'scolded' for not picking up his calls..
so ridiculous..
i accepted the offer,told me to go down to the other outlet to sign etc..
and my ph totally died smhw bec of his spamming..
wanted to cancel tuition bt cant,no ph to call..
no choice,went for tuition and rush home,knowing tt the person must have called or what,and another agent was waiting for my reply also..

and i saw tt agent msg!
first he msg n ask if i met his colleague and sign already..
then he msg again and said if i could be responsible and reply etc..
then he msg again and say he checked w his colleague already..

i'm not responsible??then i would not have gone home and replied straight pls..
he could have called his colleague earlier and asked what,he would have needed those doc from her anw..
then he didnt do tt first and still say i not resp..
spam my ph until no batt then what am i supposed to do..
so anxious to cfm the offer to earn com,and then still 'scold' me..
so irritating..
and when i replied unhappily,he still just said sry for the misunderstanding..

and then,what happens when i asked about quiting..
he called and kept asking why i want to quit..
how's the job like,why so bad,etc..
still so anxious bout his com??or he say v troublesome to find replacement..
talk and talk,still say pls,ask me tahan for one mth..
say treat me dinner and movie,etc..
still ask if i have fb,ask me add..
omg..
keep persuading and talking,laughing like we're friends..
for almost 20 mins..

was about to slp and ended up lying on the bed talking..
havent rly lie on the bed and talk like tt so late..
and just make me think of those times talking to tt ahgong..
the times when we talk and complain bout our cust,job,talk about stuff..
remind me of how olivia asked him if he had fb in the lift,and i wasnt rly close to him..
olivia later got his email and then added him on fb..
and tt ahgong added me..
remind me of how tt ahgong ask me about my email over the ph,ask me add or accept him..
make me miss those times lying on bed talking in the dark,so much,miss tt ahgong so much..

this first day of work..
i kept thinking back,tt first day of work at sh..
the 'journey' at sh..
how i saw jean,and the rest on the first day..
and subsequently,our outings,those ot we stayed behind tgt..
jean always helping me calc my timesheet hours..
olivia helping me check my waivers,jvs..
waiting for each other,them waiting for me to finish my follow ups,call backs for disputive cust..
and once where both of them sitting beside me,listening and laughing at how i handle those cust..
miss tt small table,bt cosy personal space smhw..
miss tt time where i looked over the table and tt ahgong was opp..
miss hearing him speaking on the ph,esp in his chi..
i miss those times,tt working environ,miss working w them..

thinking back,thought of how i met tt ahgong..
how we started talking,sitting opp,then same shifts,same dinner tgt..
then those outings..
and i forever cant forget this one time..
tt rainy day,where we all had to share umbrellas and run to the back canteen..
where aft dinner,the guys stopped to smoke..
and we went up the stairs,waiting at the lift..and i just randomly turned and look..
and tt ahgong was looking also,smhw like exchg glances..
he was already at ec at tt time,and we didnt tok much,and i noe my heart smhw 'stopped' for awhile..
and thought of all the things tt happened up till tt first day we started..
all in almost an incredible one month period..

one of the first things we talked about,msged,was tt ahgong saying not happy w the work..
not his cup of tea..saying too many follow ups,dread them..
and i said aft smtime,will used to it,and wun think n wry so much..
cant forget him saying,its his personality..
he care too much to not worry..
rly like tt responsible ahgong i saw at work..
didnt like the job,dun like the system,want more resp teamplayers..
wanted to quit and went to check w his agency..
still say i was free and asked me help him look out for jobs..

'care too much to not worry..'
'responsible..'
how ironic is tt now..
aft all the things tt he did..
did he ever cared or worried..
tt responsible ahgong just asked auntie vic to take care of me and ran away..?
like maybe how he'll pass on a follow up to a fren,if he's off or what..
so tt's responsible..?
care too much to not worry..
then i guess tt ahpoh wasnt cared for before..

popo 71st birthday~

2011-07-18T01:45:00.004+08:00

4th consecutive weekend stay at aunt's house..
rly becoming my wkend home..
and so fast one mth since they moved in..

a busy and tiring past week~ just flew past..
tiring thurs whole day out settling and getting stuff for sat..
fri supposed to go swim w shing,but started raining..
and funny shing,supposed to exercise,end up say go eat arnolds..
aft vic gt addicted,now's her turn..
then still had to chiong for tuition,so tired,teach till want to slp..
finish le,dinner w family..
so tired but still had to go over and make jellies for 100+ ppl..??
jellies,i so scared of making now..

and cousin was helping..
both of us were at back kitchen,listening to songs..
and cousin was singing and danced to her fav songs..
us crazily laughing and making jellies past midnight in the super cool rainy weather..
w the 2 dogs w pei-ing us..following us as we go in and out the kitchen..
family time is still the best..

like all the other weeks this hols,this week again seem to went by so fast..
week aft week just zoom past..
tut 3 days, plus prep for grandma bday..
and then the big day..and one week is over just like tt..
how i wish time can stop now,so tt hols wont seem to be ending soon..

grandma's 71 le..
and since aunt just moved..
so decided to have housewarming and also celeb grandma's bday tgt..
aunt was supposed to be the host..
and yet,many guests saw my mum and smiled at her..
thinking she's aunt..
cousin's fren saw and dunno whether to greet mum..
some of their frens still asked if their mum changed clothes again..
when actually they just saw both my mum and aunt..

rmb last yr when we celeb grandma's bday also on sat..
went aft work..and i cant forget tt day..
the day where it was a bad day at work,the day where i cried so badly bec of the dumb dumb cust..
and i rly miss working there smhw..
so fast it's one yr le..

and bec of grandma's big 71 celebrations..
finally got to take a rare full family pic,w our dads,plus kaikai,our 'latest addition'~
and soon,next mth,would be kaikai 1st birthday le~

the last mth,we celeb ahgong's bday for him and he teared..
this time,i guess both popo and ahgong would be v happy..
with the whole family here,and so many relatives..
and her grandchildren,us,bought the bday cake for her..
saw how grandpa lovingly putting his hands ard grandma shoulder so tightly,to help and blow the many candles tgt w her..
it must be a happy day for them..

though grandpa did some bad things in the past..
and i guess becux of tt,tts y,mum and uncle isnt rly talking to him..
but at least everything's fine now..and they both seem happy..
esp,spending wkends over in aunt's house,w us,their grandchildren..
seeing their smiles,esp grandma's smile,is all tt matters to us..
knowing how great grandma's heart,forgiveness is..
or maybe grandma rly smhw just 看破 of it..

some relative's son will be getting married,and he's only 20..
bec the girl's pregnant..
this seem like the 2nd time,i heard from grandma's side of relatives..
one relative who's only 21,or 22,alrdy have a 3 yr old son??
and mum was saying,ppl mum going be grandma already,etc..
and aunt was saying,bout bf again..

even my younger cousin smhw have one..
mum and uncle they all dunno..
aunt say not to let them know,cux dun wan her dad to know also..
since she thinks they're still young,maybe 'puppy love'..
our family photo is just us,our family only,no one bringing home bf,gf..
though cousin's was there..
kept thinking,if only tt ahgong was here..
and share the love of our family..

everytime at aunt house,seeing cousin on the ph w bf,i'll think of the times on the ph w tt ahgong..and miss those times so much..
wishing i could also be like her,and talk to tt ahgong everyday still,at their place..
letting them secretly hear,the guitar playing,the singing,tt ahgong's voice..
smtimes,i rly have the urge to call him,to want to hear him,talk to him..
or maybe just call and hear and then hang up..
but i guess maybe he won't pick up..

smtimes,they're on the ph,the guy falls aslp,and then cousin will fall aslp soon,and they're both still on the line..
so jealous..
did have times toking to tt ahgong until almost falling aslp..and him getting slpy..
but didnt get the chance to hold on to the ph,till both of us fall aslp and not hang up..
and i'll just be reminded of tt ahgong saying,want to slp beside you..
saying goodnight,sweet dreams,slp tight..

rare full family pic and dad closes his eyes~
hopefully the other cam would be better..

我知道~ 從來沒想過，不能再和你牽手~

2011-07-13T02:45:00.005+08:00

我知道
By 2

從來沒想過不能再和你牽手
委屈時候沒有你陪著我心痛
一切都是我太過驕縱以為你會懂
一直忘了說我有多感動

我知道你還是愛著我
雖然分開的理由我們都已接受

你知道我會有多難過
所以即使到最後還微笑著要我加油

我知道你還放不下我
才會在離開時閉著眼沒有回頭
我們都知道彼此心中其實這份愛沒停過

曾經完整幸福的夢在腦海裡頭
我多希望你還在我左右

我知道你還放不下我
才會在離開時閉著眼沒有回頭
答應你我會好好過不讓這些眼淚白流

“ 從來沒想過，不能再和你牽手。。”

我们第一次牵手的时候，像是小孩子一样，边走边摇着手。。
我们，我，是如此的快乐，甜蜜，幸福。。
那么简单的幸福。。

我從來也沒想過，不能再和你牽手。。
从来没想过我们的第一次牵手却是唯一，最后一次的。。
我想，也没有人会想过，会经历过，第一次也是最后一次。。
仅仅一次，却能让你怎么忘也忘不了，就因为只有那么仅仅一次。。
仅仅一次，却能让你痛心万分的回忆着，就因为只有那么仅仅一次，才让你印象深刻。。
那最甜美，幸福，让人心跳加速，的第一次。。
永生难忘，的第一次。

我们一起拥有，共享，经历过，许多特别的第一次。。
是该感到庆幸吗？

庆幸，我是和他，那个最让我动心的他，‘创造’了我许多第一次的经验。。
还是，应该觉得，那些特别的经验应该是和更好的别人一起拥有，创造。
而不是他，大家眼里的坏人，大坏蛋。

“ 一切都是我太過驕縱，以為你會懂。一直忘了說，我有多感動。。 ”

他很懂我。
在那么短的时间里，他学会听我的语气，能听出，能知道，我的心情。

但是，是我，一直理所当然地以为他会懂，会了解，明了，整件事。
以为，他只是需要时间整理自己的思绪，然后会知道，想到我的心情，我所要的，期盼的。
但是，最后好像是我更了解他。
结果，不是懂我的他为我想，而是我一直试着想，站在他的立场，为他想，试着帮他辩解他那时的行为。

当时，我脑海了塞满了一堆我想告诉他的话。。
但，始终没说出全部，没勇气质问他，没勇气厚着脸皮说，问。
最后，就是没机会说，永远也没机会说了，因为一切都变得不重要了。
因为他直接放弃了。
没试过，就放弃了。

而且我也。。
“ 一直忘了說我有多感動”，多庆幸我遇上了他。。

感动，于他所说过的每一句话。
感动，于他所要我许下的承诺。
感动，于他所做过的一切一切。
感动，于他所能带给我的快乐。一次又一次，轻易地带给我欢笑。
感动，于他所给我的动人回忆。

“你知道我會有多難過，所以即使到最後，還微笑著要我加油...才會在離開時，閉著眼沒有回頭。。”

他知道一切有多难，知道我有多难过，知道我狠不下心。。
所以，他才下定决心，狠下心，在那最后一次，跟我说了那一番话。。
那些话，他的语气，我都听得出，那不是他，不是我认识的那个他。
我很确定，因为他过后的行为证明了一切。
为什么要那样伤害我，然后又叫朋友照顾好我，还写那番话。
如果他真的那么坏，那又为什么要费心去交代朋友，也不要让我知道。

但，他真的狠下心。。
因为，他始终都没回头。。

“曾經，完整幸福的夢，在腦海裡頭我多希望你，還在我左右。。”

那曾经我们共享的，完整幸福，但又短暂的梦，还在脑海里頭。。
始终都无法忘怀。。
始终都无法说服，骗自己那只是一场噩梦。。

多希望你，还在我左右，带给我快乐。。
多希望你，还在我左右，就像你所承诺过的，说会在我身边。。
多希望你，还在我左右，一一地遵守着你的诺言。。
多希望你，还在我左右，而在这人生旅途中，那阿公阿婆，能陪伴着彼此，并携手度过到老。。
让我们曾一起拥有过的梦，梦想成真。。

那是一段美丽的回忆。。
美丽，甜美的真的像一场美梦。。
而我也好希望，不必从梦中醒来。。
好希望，能活在那梦里。。

you know you can never stop a shooting star;

2011-07-11T03:55:00.003+08:00

tt ahgong once posted a note on fb..

"you know you can never stop a shooting star;cuz its too powerful
and there's nothing that you can do to change it's path and please do note,
you'll always be a star;a shooting star. You'd be the brightest that i'll ever see
and you'll blaze a trail that's visible long when you're gone. Staring at you now,
it seems so clear, you're so close yet so far and moving so fast its beyond my grasp.
And though you're long gone leaving stardust in your path, I'll be wondering; wondering where you are."

So be there where i can see you; be there as i always have known; but be bright so i can spot you so i'll know where you are. trust me,you are perfect; just the way you are.

at first i thought tt ahgong wrote such a touching and nice para..
but seems like he quoted the first part from dunno where..
and the last part should be what he wrote..
how great is that last part..

when i've posted stuff almost similar before..
and always posted w 'stars' in it..

'paint the sky with stars.but there will always be this one that blinks at you,that stands out and will always be there,no matter what,that place i'd love it to be.'

this one that blinks at you,that stands out and will always be there,no matter what,that place i'd love it to be..
tt 'ahgong star'..

be there as i always have known.but be bright where i can spot you so i'll know where you are.
how weirdly similar..

you are perfect;just the way you are..

on tt day i left tt ahgong house..
tt day i was w him for the last time,saw him face to face for the last time..
i posted..
'not because of the way u speack chi,but because of everything,u're just the way you are.'
and tt day tt ahgong posted..
'just keep them in your secret world,like i didn't once existed.cause the risk to take is far too great, and i'm just the excuse.'

tt 'last day' tt ahgong kept asking why i like him so much..
and i didnt say much,didnt tell him the real reason..
just say bec he always sound so funny,nice,in chi..

when he didnt knew,it started from eyecandy..
and it was actually bec of everything he said and did..
because tt ahgong was just the way he was..
just tt ahgong i wanted..
just the way you are~

and tt ahgong have to post tt note..
with such similar stuff..
and tt note must be saying someone..
how great it is,if he's saying someone else,and he wrote it using such similar stuff..

transformers~can we transform our lives..

2011-07-10T02:52:00.002+08:00

sotong wanted watch movie..
so we went to watch transformers 3d at the cathay..
tt cinema tt we watch the first movie smhw as a 'couple',on our first day..
i know tt ahgong watched it w his frens alrdy..
and i kept thinking how good it is they can watch movie w him..
i can never get to watch movies w tt ahgong anymore..
tt movie tt was supposed to be the first movie we watched as a couple,ahgong and ahpoh..
became the last..
who would have known it'll be the last..

and it seems like,everything just ended from there,tt place,tt day,tt late night call till morn..
so nicely..

flashback.

2011-07-06T23:41:00.006+08:00

sotong shing's graduating..
and her convocation's tml..xh's sat..
so happy for them..

so fast..
we entered jc tgt..
5 years past,and now,they're already graduating from uni and getting rdy to enter the work society..
shing got 2 tics,and her mum and sis are going for the ceremony tml..
if her father is still around,i'm sure he'll go..
but i guess,sotong's daddy chan will be looking down from above,and will be smiling,and be so proud of his daughter..

sotong needed to get shoes for tml..
so we went to shop ard town..
and ended up she wanted to treat me dinner for pei-ing her get interview clothes the other time,and tdy,shoes..
and...

she brought me to santouka,cuppage..
since she know the ppl there cux her work frens from central outlet transf over there..so we got so much free food..
or rather,i showed the way,since sotong is rly blur..
cause she got lost finding her way from orchard mrt to far east..

i dun rly know the directions ard orchard well also..
but,just rmb how i walked from ps,to cuppage,to orchard w tt ahgong..
we were at far east,orchard..
so it was 'walking backwards'..
thinking of where we walked pass,what we did,to figure out how to walk..
cant helped but rmb everything..

and sotong asked how i know there..
and i said ate w fren there bef,fren brought me there..
kept asking who,why nv go central de and find her tt time..
and i said bec it was w tt ahgong,we went movie at douby ma,so go nearby..
she asked why he know santouka..is santouka so famous..
and i said,cause tt ahgong likes jap food ma..
sotong know i didnt want to say much..

restaurant was almost full..
didnt get to sit tt corner table..
and i cant help but turn and stare at tt corner table..
while eating,put my legs on the thingy of the chair again..
the cha shu i dont like,couldnt give to sotong,cause sotong couldnt eat it w her braces,like how i gave to tt ahgong..

then walked to douby..
stared at those seats outside..

always liked to go to daiso to get random stuff,and also those handicraft stuff..
but havent went there since the last time i was there w tt ahgong,on our first day..
didnt dare to go in..
but we went in tdy..
and remembered tt moment while we were queueing..
smhw our first and only little 'shopping'..for tt ahgong's staples..
also,tt glutton ahgong still bought those smhw kiddish cartoon cans sweets..
aft tt trying to open it,and used diff stuff to open..
rmb on the escalator..
tt chippy's store,tt place where we stand at to eat..
tt mrt ride home,tt walk home..
everything..

tt new drama..
the girl inside who got dumped was saying about re-visiting places she's gone w her bf,to smhw try to face it,feel the pain,and then can forget easier..
but it's so crazy..
every step you take,stepping over those footprints,wishing you can replace them..
is like,rly a huge needle poking through your heart..
really so pain..
pain until it 'wakes' you up,gives you goosebumps..
reminding you,and 'refresh' your memory,and making you remember all those memories..

so pain now,but those memories were so sweet,then..

'Saw shooting star..ephemeral;short lived yet so amazingly beautiful..so beautiful,but i have to question myself if i really saw it.'

seeing a shooting star,is like the time spent w tt ahgong,tt rs we had..
ephemeral;so short lived,so short time tgt..
yet so amazingly beautiful,so sweet until it's unreal like a dream,the best time of my life..

but,what happened aft tt,and her story,destroyed tt sweetest dream and made it into the craziest nightmare..
and i had to ask myself,whether the time where i thought was the best time of my life,was really real or not..
whether did i really had such a beautiful memory..
whether was i really so lucky smhw,to have the sweetest dream,to get to know tt ahgong,and to be tt ahpoh..
it was short,but i rly wish it was rly as simple and beautiful as a shooting star..
wishing it was all real,and really pure,true simple happiness..

but i cant be sure,i dont know anything,and it's so pathetic..
the feeling that you think you had sth,but then having to re-think again to ask yourself again,are you sure..
is just crazy..

you'll never have an answer,cause it's a vicious cycle.

can i wish upon a shooting star~

2011-07-05T04:06:00.004+08:00

so funny~so crazy~
soon after i posted my tt status..
tt ahgong posted..
'take a step back and look. is this the answer?'

and the nx day..
'find what you are looking for.and may it be great'

tt ahgong havent rly been posting such statuses since bef his exams..
until now..suddenly..such 'crazy statuses' smhw..

i'm sure if he saw my status,he shd know i 'used' the words he used..
and the thing he post seem to be answering me..??
'how much does it hurt to miss someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..'

take a step back and look??
if it's telling me..then look at him or myself?
i rly dont know..
if it's telling me..why would tt ahgong still care,still be bothered..
it rly seem like 'tt ahgong' posting..

but i guess it cant be..tt ahpoh wasnt as impt as them..
aft he posted tt first one..
she posted stuff..
and also posted aft the second one..
just coincidental?
or are theirs linked..
i guess so..

stayed over at aunt house over the wkends again..
and ytd night..saw the sky was clear..
and went up w cousin to roof garden to see stars..
how i wish our new house can reno and have a roof garden too..
and there were rly alot stars..
more and more appearing aft you stare longer..
my cousin was saying like can see the whole milky way~

and then i thought i saw one bright one suddenly moving across v quickly and then gone..
my cousin wasnt looking same direction..and couldnt cfm if i rly saw it..or were my eyes playing tricks on me..
and i told her..asked if it was a shooting star..can we see in spore..
we even quickly make a wish still,just not to waste it,in case it rly was..
but i rly saw a bright star suddenly 'flew past' and then gone..
cant be a plane,it was real fast..and a small bright spot..
guess,it isnt tt easy to see in spore,maybe my eyes were crazy to imagine them..
maybe,dumb dumb eyes..
though i rly hoped it was a shooting star i saw..
so that our wishes can come true..

morn,went for sushi with cousins..
and as usual,their fav arcade..
last yr,w them also..
was playing the one where we have to aim and press the button to let go..
to let the flat bar thingy to go through the small flat space infront..
it's a crazy game,cux it's always just a little out of the thing,and cant go in..
tried quite awhile,and rly got it..
was so happy when the flat thing went through and pushed the doll down..
got a mickey..

then tdy saw the matching minnie..
the one to catch was lying totally face down on the machine platform..
like so diff to get it..
asked cousin to help me get it,cause i'll always get addicted if i cant get it..
they didnt want and i couldnt resist..
so just decided to change $1,and try once..
anyhow shake the clasp thingy to change its driection for awhile and then pressed the button le..
and...i got the minnie..with $1..
my best catch..
was so happy,and cousins were laughing at me..
and shocked at the one buck..
and now it's a pair of mickey and minnie on my bed..
it made my day..
does tt mean good luck..
more good luck?
or from the 'shooting star'..??
i wish more..

2nd july, a saturday

2011-07-02T15:37:00.004+08:00

today's 2nd of july,a saturday..

'How much does it hurt to miss someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..'

what tt ahgong posted tt time,tt coincidental time..
'You can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you.'

keep thinking,since she said tt ahgong didnt see tt email then,then he cant be using
'my words' in the email,and post at such a coincidental timing,soon aft i sent him tt email..
then the person he's saying,that's hurt,tt's missing someone you know was the best thing tt happened to you,cant be saying he knows how i feels..
then it should be saying about himself,his own feelings??
for her,or cindy..
missing them??i dunno..

but i know how it feels like..
how hurt it feels like to miss someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..
and then at the same time,feel that everything was a joke,and you should be hating tt person,instead of missing him..
how pain it feels like,but you just cant help it,to want to hate him,but still crazily miss tt person,those times..
tt ahgong,the times we spent tgt,and the journey we thought of walking tgt..
it's crazy,and it's a torture..
to keep telling myself,to throw away the feelings,not to miss someone tt did all the crazy things to tt ahpoh..

from that video,
"strangers,again",in a relationship there are like 7 stages..

'like most,we started off as strangers..'

stage 1:meeting.
stage 2:the chase.('some say it's the best part')
stage 3:honeymoon.
stage 4:comfortable.
stage 5:tolerance.
stage 6:downhill.
stage 7:breaking up.

the video is like~~
the jogging..like what tt ahgong wanted to do tgt..
the facebook..like what we started posting and commenting on each other's wall..
the ahgong first posted on my wall,using same words again,'work work work,3 consecutive off..'..and those things we posted on our first day..
the rushing to ph,late night calls..like how i always finish my stuff and wait for tt ahgong end work and call..our record,5am+..
the way they started,tt bench..like how we started too..sitting on a bench..tt scene so similar,like crazy..
the breaking up,i don't know..
and esp,we had some more 'stages' aft tt last stage..
her telling me 'exciting,crazy' stories..
and cont to hurt me,even aft tt last stage..

we rly started off as strangers,total strangers..
but we entered stage 1,in an unexpected way..
and we met,because of another stranger,a customer..
and then yes,there was a stage 2,very short though..
but it rly was the best part,short but such great impact..
and honeymoon??i don't know..one day??its crazy..
because after tt first day..i don't know what is what,what rly happened..

and i think we just skipped through all the stages..
and went right to the last stage..
from honeymoon,right to break up..
how great is that,how great is tt diff in feelings..
from great happiness,to crazy pain,saddness..
when honeymoon wasnt even long to begin with,and it went right into last stage..
so funny..
so crazy..
who'll have such a rs..
only me i guess,silly me..

1st july,a friday.

2011-07-01T21:03:00.004+08:00

1st of july,a friday..

'This year July has 5 Fridays 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays.This happens once every 823 years..'
last year's october also had 5 fri,5 sat,and 5 sun..
keeps happening,even though its diff mths,cant possibly be just once every 823 yrs..
but still it makes the mth seems 'cool' smhw..
and it's 1st of the mth,a friday..

didnt want to stay home on this fri..
went to register for ftt..
the first date the person gave was a wkday..
so asked for the next date..and the person said..
17th sept,a saturday..
and i know..last year,tt sat,was my last day of work..
last year,tt period of time..
i was so happy..after knowing tt ahgong..
but now,i'm so scared for those days to come..

dragged poor dad to fetch me to aunt's new place..
and he went in to visit.
and he got the 'first price'..
by knocking onto the sliding glass doors..
thinking they were open..and wanting to go into the living room..
when i was trying to open for him,from the left side..
he called grandma,and went and bang right into the door at the right side..
i heard the bang and quickly turned then know wad happened,and everybody in the living room was laughing..

went for late night movie,xmen,w cousins..
and with a 'special guest',what my cousin said..
aft tt,they wanted to walk home..
and we walked ard 45mins..
cousin still not familiar w the pin num,so didnt want to set off alarm..
and we had our very first time,climbing over the wall,side railings to go home!

throughout the walk home,i kept thinking..
tt same night..2nd of the mth..tt same fri..
many mths ago..
how it is so much diff from now..
how i rly wish time can turn back..

'如果人可以活在过去,那我宁可不要未来..'

from the drama,醉后决定爱上你,tt cousins kept asking me to watch..
finished my 6 seasons of bones in one mth,and had nth to do..
so went to watch..and now addicted..
it's so much like the drama,fated to love you..

and i rmb,i had tt phone strap,w the name of the show,fated to love you on it w the cute cupid angel..
and tt ahgong saw it tt time,and asked about it..
and i asked if he watched it..told him it was nice..think he didnt..
i always thought of their pic in the show..
the pic ji cun xi wanted to take w xin yi..
their first pic tgt,their first family pic,since xin yi was pregnant..
tt pic rly seem to look like our first pic tgt..

and the story of tt new drama..
tt girl's bf was already getting rdy to propose to her..
but at the last min,tt guy wanted to break up..
and it was bec of his accidental one night stand,aft he got drunk,and tt other girl got pregnant..
tt's why he left the gf,and bear the responsibility to be w the other girl..
end up the gf knew about the truth..
and the guy didnt rly like tt other girl,only felt a sense of responsibility..
and the gf even went to help them,let them be happy tgt..

pregnant..and i immed thought of her..
what she said,bout her thinking she got pregnant..
always thought..
if she rly got pregnant tt time..
then what would happen..
will they get married at such a young age..
and then tt ahgong will still go overseas for his studies??
while she'll stay here..and wait for him to come back..?
by the time he grad,he'll already have a 3 yr old son??
it's so crazy..
and i thought how did tt ahgong do all those,to seem like to be putting his future at stake smhw..

and i thought if i was tt dumped gf..
i wouldnt be able to help them like she did..
cux i'm not so brave to go face them,see them..
and cant,don't want to see tt ahgong's son,their son..
it feels so disgusting,so crazy..

遗失的美好~

2011-07-01T01:31:00.007+08:00

遗失的美好
张韶涵

海的思念绵延不绝
终于和天在地平线交会
爱如果走得够远
应该也会跟幸福相见

承诺常常很像蝴蝶
美丽的飞盘旋然后不见
但我相信你给我的誓言
就像一定会来的春天

我始终带着你爱的微笑
一路上寻找我遗失的美好
不小心当泪滑过嘴角
就用你握过的手抹掉

再多的风景也从不停靠
只一心寻找我遗失的美好
有的人说不清哪里好
但就是谁都替代不了

在最开始的那一秒有些事早已经注定要到老
虽然命运爱开玩笑真心会和真心遇到

承诺常常很像蝴蝶,美丽的飞盘旋然后不见~
我始终带着你爱的微笑~
不小心当泪滑过嘴角,就用你握过的手抹掉~
有的人说不清哪里好,但就是谁都替代不了~

this pretty song..
how true are the lyrics..
those sweet sweet promises,even pinky promise,ended up were just nothing..
each and every one of those big promises were so 'pretty,touching',one by one capturing my heart,making my happier and happier,then..
but now,they are just like knifes,cutting my heart deep and haunting me..
why make the effort to think and ask to make so many promisea,when u didnt mean them..
is it so fun to make empty promises,and break promises..even simple promises..

life's like normal now..
and sometimes when i'm happy,smiling..
i'll think of one of the reasons tt ahgong said before..
'...bec tt ahpoh always smiling..,so happy..'
and tt random one time in office when we werent rly close,he said xiao yi ge ma..
tt ahgong still said don't want tt ahpoh to be unhappy,want her to be happy forever..
how pain it is now,smiling and suddenly think of those..
because of all those smiles,tt's why tt ahgong got to like tt ahpoh..
tt's why we got to be tgt,for awhile..
but now..the smiles arent the same anymore..

有的人说不清哪里好,但就是谁都替代不了~
tt ahgong asked before why i like him..
and i didnt ans,didnt have any answers..
bec he was a eyecandy isnt rly an ans..
but it was the start of everything..
starting from the 'liking of a eyecandy..'diff kind of like..
then,after that,it was the actions,things tt the ahgong did and said each and everyday,tt slowly made tt ahpoh really like him..
cant rly point out what exactly..

but tt ahgong just seem irreplaceable..
and tt ahong's long gone,he doesnt seem the same anymore...

tt ahpoh can only..
use those hands tt ahgong once held onto and said don't let go..
to wipe away tears,until one day when it all isnt pain anymore..

不小心当泪滑过嘴角,就用你握过的手抹掉~

moving house.

2011-06-30T02:52:00.005+08:00

two years ago,this same june hols..
had family chalet..think aunt said,yizhang bought new house..
but not selling her old one..
then,cant rmb if its us first or uncle to sell and then crazily rushing and hunting for a new house,the mad rush..
it was almost the same time,aunt,uncle and us all sold and bought new houses..
all tgt,one aft another..

rmb always searching online,and waiting for dad to come home and then show him..
and then we'll crazily go out in the middle of the night,to go 'house seeing'..
and we found the house bef we had to move out of old house..
but end up the house we like so much had just been rented out for 2 yrs..
we didnt want to give up the house,so had to crazily look for a rented place again..
and this place now,is great also..

last yr also ard mid yr,june hols..
uncle's new house was done,and they moved in..
and aunt's new house had to have some major renov which they kept delaying..
so we kept saying maybe we'll move in before her,when she was the first to buy the house..
but now,this year,this june hols..
the house is finally done,and they moved in last week,finally..
the house is real pretty..
stayed over at my 'second home' smhw..since she's my aunt who's almost like my godmum..

and it was fun,changing rooms,slping in diff rooms w diff cousin..
no internet yet..and seems like maybe fb can slowly go away..
ordered mac delivery in the middle of the night..
we were all watching shows in the room..
since the person said 1 1/2 hr wait..when the dogs started barking,we ignored..
until some time later,then the person called..
and we all had to quietly,quickly like tip toe,scramble down..
if not later grandma might nag the next day..
eat quietly,bec of the echo..and then quietly sneak back up again..
love the roof garden..
went up late to see stars too..
aunt's place there is great to see,if the sky's not cloudy..
private estate,and no high buildings..so it's like a vast vast big sky..
if only ours will have a roof garden too..or my room's there..
and family day in a big house is so fun..
bought those small pool for kaikai and can play out at the garden..
and playing w the intercom thing,asking them to come down for dinner..
if not,we'll just have to shout,and the echo~

if we didnt extend the contract for another 1 yr,the contract would have ended in may,and we could be staying in there already..
just one more year~
next year this time,it'll be our turn busy moving..
we bought house tgt at the same time..
then slowly moving in,one year aft another..
and time rly flies..
by the time we move in next yr..
it'll be 3 yrs since we moved out of our missed chiltern park..
even aunt misses there..
just looking forward to next year..one more year..
and hoping i wouldnt miss here,and cant bear to leave..

small sugar donuts~

2011-06-29T03:39:00.005+08:00

my 200th post..
my 100th post was on the last day of alvls..
100 posts since then,and so much happened..
and i guess most of tt 100 posts would have tt ahgong in it..
i rly hate myself for being so useless..

saw small sugar donuts today..
couldnt resist and bought them..
rmb tt time working in sh..
office frens were buying those donuts from the opp bakery..
and we started buying as snacks too..
and there was this guy tt bought them and stuff them to me,ask me to eat..
bought muffin and left on my table,and drew a smiley face on my book..
there it was again..and i rly hate myself..

tt time i still haven met tt ahgong,didnt know him..
but soon,i got to know tt ahgong..
and i rmb buying donuts for friends,and offering him..
and gave him chocs bec always see him so stressed up..
aft tt,also saw tt ahgong bought the donuts to eat,tt glutton ahgong's table always seem to have food..
also,tt pokka coffee drink,the one tt i gt addicted tt time..
and one of the reason he said why he like tt ahpoh,was bec of how tt ahpoh always give him food..those donuts..

but one time,i rmb meeting jean for lunch..
tt time,where jean was talking to me,asking me..
telling me not to give up,must at least try once..
i said i will, i didnt wan to give up like tt..
but i wanted to give tt ahgong time to think himself first,dun say anything..
when i had sooo much to say inside,at tt time,like i cant do this all by myself,tt ahgong need to be ard too,and walk the journey tgt..
but i nv got the chance to say it..

then i went back to pei tt ahgong have dinner..
and otw back,he said had to help her buy the donuts..
i guess,there was nth then..
but..it all shd have started smhw ard there..
it's silly but i hated to think of it..
tt ahgong helping her buy those donuts..

i did tried..but tt ahgong gave up totally..for her..
it wasnt about me trying or not..whether i was confident or not..
it rly didnt matter..cux the outcome seem likely to be the same..
sometimes i wished i didnt say anything,didnt try at all,didnt tell tt ahgong all those things,why i want so much to do it..
i just wished,if only,tt time i didnt say anything at all..
when he decided,to cont be friends first..
and i'll just walk away like nth happened,like it didnt affect me at all..
like i didnt rly like tt ahgong,tts why its so easy for me..
if only i did tt,and pretend tt i didnt like him,maybe he would be the hurt one and not me..
and i wouldnt have made it so clear to myself how much i like tt ahgong by msging him those heartfelt words..
and the most impt,is maybe i wouldnt be so hurt,painful..

i'm so scared to get a job..
i'm so scared that as each day pass,it's closer to those days,one year ago..
one year ago,tt period of time,i was so happy..
but now,i'm still trying to cover those wounds..

one year ago,last time this year,the four of us,are happily working there..
going out tgt..playing,enjoying our hols..

it's so fast..going to be one year soon..
one of my friend got attached around one week bef us,last year..
and up till now,every mth,they wish each other,happy hw many hw many mths..
it's going to be happy 1yr soon for them..
and for tt couple in the office tt ahgong and i say we're faster than them..
also one happy mth aft another..
and also soon 1yr..
and sotong xh too..
it's just so easy for everybody else..

~我觉得自己好没用，常常守不住握在手里的东西。
所以，一旦失去，我也只能认输，只能后悔，一点办法也没有。~

vettel again.6 out of 8.

2011-06-27T22:18:00.002+08:00

vettel won again..
though it was quite a boring race..with not much accidents,action..
and with no retirement at all..
and the time gap opened up..esp btw vettel and alonso..
so vettel's first was quite secured..
and the main fight ytd,seem only to be btw home crowd's fav alonso,and webber..

vettel won 6 races out of 8..
and now leading very much ahead..77 pts lead~
1st at 186..and 2nd is a tie btw button and webber at 109!
last year he won with 256 pts..now alrdy 186pts..
ytd was the 8th race of 19 races for the season..
and vettel won 6..
just 4 more races..
if he wins the next 4 or the next few..
then he'll win the championship once again..
spore's around there,maybe he'll secure the win in spore~

unlike last year's totally exciting,unexpected,last min win,that was up till the very last race,the very last points to decide who'll win..
last yr he won only 5 races..
but this year,he alrdy won 6 1st and 2 2nd..
and starting from the front row every race..
this year's season totally is crazily dominated by vettel up till now..
and bro's hamilton is slipping back..
had a bad start ytd,losing his place to the 2 ferraris,right at the beginning..
almost finishing half the season~
and vettel's looking real good..

lion king-can you feel the love tonight.

2011-06-20T03:32:00.005+08:00

finally got to watch the lion king musical on sat..
supposed to have ended..but they extended it..
shd have watched it right aft exams..
but auntie vic and i took quite some time to look through the dates to choose better seats..
and ended up having to wait patiently,till ytd..
couldnt wait cux it seemed rly nice from the adv and all the good comments..
and it rly was great and spectacular..
the theatre wasnt as big as expected,so the seats werent rly an issue,since it was quite close and packed tgt smhw..
and we chose quite a good spot..

the stage was also not as big as expected,thought it would be bigger,for it to look more spectacular..
but it didnt have to be big..and the show was rly amazing..
the stage was small,but they had alot things 'installed' in it..
like the circular platform tt would rise up,that made the stage looked bigger,and created a vastness feel for some scenes..
and within it,there was like yet another platform..
things could pop out from the stage itself,or go down the stage..
and how their big props moved and position on the stage..
seems like a great work designing the stage..
even w the small stage,the first scene proved us wrong,and it was a great start to the musical,rly magnificent..
with the song,circle of life..
and the actors-animals even walked through the stairs through the audience,up the stage..

and at the beginning we saw the conductor standing infront of the stage,like can only see half of him,cux he was like on a platform below,lower than the stage..
and we were wondering what who he was conducting for..when we couldnt see the band..
and the space below him,below the stage seemed so small,for there to be a live band below..
and if the band was below then wouldnt it be tiring for them to look up..
then the intermission,we went infront to see..
we've seen bands infront of the stage,maybe abit lowered down..
but not like theirs..
it was like smhw half covered some more..
and we were all shocked..
it was rly packed down there..but it looked rly cool..
all the instruments,everything were there,'well equipped' for the great music for the performance..

and on both sides of the stage,higher above..
there's like a small little space,for all kinds of drums and unique instruments..
percussion..
rmb how we used to have all those weird instruments in band tt had special sound effects..
liked those drums..
just reminds me of sec sch,how we had those practice sessions w the conductor..just 3of us standing infront of him,practicing..and how i like to play w the drumsticks,running it through the fingers..

the lightings,props,backdrops did alot too..and it was rly nice..
and auntie vic said it reminded her of the days in baiyungang,when sotongs were all in the props team,and how when the lights go out,we'll always have to act fast and find our way in the darkness,to clear props and put them out..
the costumes also were great and sure have an integral part..
esp those bright coloured costumes,and some unique fabrics used on clothes,gave it the african touch..

and the performers of course..
great performance,singing,music..
though many of them had 'props' on them..
those animals they act,they had all these diff masks and figures..
it was great how they try to incorporate the actors w the characters in the movie..
cause it was like operating a puppet smhw,for some of the characters..
like the bird,the person was 'operating' it,gave it life..
but at the same time,the person seemed to be part of the show as well,have his own character,wearing an english hat..
so it was rly interesting as to how they made the people 'visible' as a character on their own,but actually were trying to operate those puppets..

the tics were ex,but it was very worth it..
the 2 1/2 hr show was rly rly great,one not to be missed..
and even though the show was great..
as usual,auntie vic always dozes off..
like almost every single time we watch a performance,even movies..
like band performance,she'll be the excited one to want to go,and then end up falling aslp..
movie,like harry potter,she fell aslp too..
and she asks how i know she falls alsp..it's becux it's not the first time..
and becux when there's funny parts of the performance,smtimes she'll laugh..
aft awhile she won't,and can only hear sotong sy beside her laughing..
it's so funny..

aft tt glutton auntie vic was hungry and had random craving for wan tou sek's porridge..
the whole day we were msging bef we met,like more than 50% of her msges were saying about cravings for all kinds of food!
so she called her mum,sa jiao and asked where she was..
and her funny mum said she was hungry too..
so we all went for dim sum supper in geylang,the famous wan tou sek..
and it was rly packed..
the dim sum was nice,esp the chilli,and their porridge..
and another glutton sy,was rly happily eating the nice food,can see her smiling!
ytd was father's day..so the shop gave a father's day cake..and even had the sign there saying happy father's day..
i went home and mum told me to bluff dad,tt i bought him tt cake for father's day..
and he rly believed and even asked why i didnt write his name on the cake!

Happy father's day~
i'm sure he's happy!
cause he came home just now,saw me lying on his mattress watching tv..
and he copied what i said when he lies on my bed sometimes..
i always said he so dirty,havent bathe,dont lie on my bed..
so he said,i'm so dirty still lie on his bed..
my cute crazy dad..
we're late night partners..
slping late ard the same time and waking up late too..
so mum got nth to nag..

sotong shing posted happy father's dad daddy on fb..
saw it and got tt xin tong feeling..
all the times we've been out,she always smiling and she's ok..
just smtimes will still say a little stuff bought him..
like tt time,went w her go get interview clothes,she saw the ties..
and said,dad used to have alot,and he bought silk ones,saying v exp..
but he bought so many and didnt wear them bef..
just wonder why is life so cruel to her,to take her daddy away from her,so quickly..

but still,happy father's day,sotong's daddy chan~

songs from lion king..
i rmb tt ahgong once was singing on the phone..
and it sounded so familiar..
rmb i asked if it was from lion king..tt ahgong said yes..
bt cant rly rmb what he exactly sang,or which part of the song..
but there isnt much easy songs to sing from lion king..
and i rmb i went through my disney cd to look for tt song..it was there..
seems like,can you feel the love tonight..
and the scene where they sang the song,i almost broke down..

cause i just rmb all the times tt ahgong just simply sang over the ph..
some songs i know,some i dont,some his favourites..
and i still tried to note down some on my bro com,since my com was spoilt tt time..
but my bro went to clear his desktop..and i couldnt find it anymore..
one time tt ahgong asked what i wanted to hear,and i looked through my ph songs..
and i said every breathe you take..
and i can rmb tt ahgong took some time to find the score on his ipad,then sang..
and some parts he said he didnt rly know how to sing..
but he sang the parts tt i liked..
and tt song,i learnt it on guitar before too..
really missed those times,those simple and happy times,hearing tt ahgong sing,play his guitar..

what is this.

2011-06-18T07:02:00.002+08:00

chatting on msn till 7am is wrong..
even broke my record of talking w tt ahgong on ph till 5+..
nv even gt to talk to tt ahgong on msn tt long bef..
this sh guy fren have been fb msging me instead of commenting on my statuses straight..
all the way from tt period of time,those emo posts..
he asked why i was so emo,what happened..
and aft tt period..smtimes he comments,but mostly always msg..
and ytd again,i posted and he msgeg why so late still not slping..
got my email,and ended up chatting till morn..

this seems wrong..
i dun wan to step over the line again..
like i did tt time,w tt ahgong..
if i were determined enough..
and didnt admit about tt dream,didnt take tt step forward..
let it cont and just be a dream i dreamt of,tt i wanted so much..
then maybe the nightmare wouldnt have happened..
and i wouldnt have hurt myself..
i wouldnt have got myself into such a crazy mess..

i'll not have tt courage anymore..
tt ahgong stepped on it,destroyed it all,crushed my dreams..
of believing..in anything,everything..

when will it be over..

2011-06-18T04:12:00.004+08:00

sotong gathering on wed..
since sotong sy missed out the last gathering when wh told us about getting attached..
so obviously gossipy sy finally gt to ask wh about it..
aft ahma told her the other time tt she missed out juicy news..
sotong wh just broke up w the guy,who is also our jc classmate..
and also sy sec classmate..

they were tgt like 3yrs+..
still rmb tt time when we got to know about it,everybody was rly shocked..
tt time when we all went back ny to watch baiyungang performance..
sotong wh said she'll be bringing him..
and bef meeting him,she told us about what tt guy did..
and we all didnt expected it to be him,our classmate!
rmb we were totally shocked to see them coming tgt..and we were outside lt..
they went in,the rest of the class saw,and we heard screams of shock from inside!
yar,totally shocked and they seemed so good tgt..
sotongs were still saying waiting for their wedding..and wh will have 7 sotongs jiemeis..and of course will make it diff for him,our fren too..
but now..after 3 yrs+..
and the prob persisted throughout,wh said..
but he didnt change..

and now,just about 2 mths+,she's w this new guy..
her close fren in her other clique,or brother she felt..
she nv knew about his feelings all along..until she broke,then he told her..
and the 2 guys knew each other somehow..
so its so 'crazy'..and when wh posted her status on fb..
obviously,her ex wasnt happy..and posted bad stuff too..

i know how he feels..
its almost about the same as what i went through..
just maybe so much more simpler,and rly innocent stuff..
but the fact is,she got into another rs,just too fast..
someone who she just regarded as a close fren,her bro and no feelings then..
not saying its wrong or wad,its her rs,and its up to sotong to decide..
just feel bad for tt guy..
the time they were tgt wasnt short..
and she ended it,and got over it so fast smhw?and be w someone else..
yes,i guess if anyone were in her shoes,they would have accepted the guy too..
bec of all the things he crazily did..

just dun rly like to hear and imagine hw pain it'll be for tt guy..
cux i'll be reminded of mine..how bad it was..and up till now it still is..
wh wouldnt know..how much pain she put him through..
she was still saying about how he keep posting on fb now talking about his outings,his happening life..to 'show' her smhw..
and wh gave tt irritated look..
but i guess she rly dunno how he feel..
it's rly crazy..
yes,it was tt guy's fault smhw..but the least she could do..
was maybe hide it from him for awhile more..till he's quite ok already..

and then wh suddenly talk about him,the last him..
saying didnt know he's attached..
and ahma said,it was v long ago le ah..
i knew long time ago,bec he was the one who told me..
and since then,i never talked to him,or see him face to face,even though he comes over to give my bro tuition up till now..
yes,not all sotongs know about tt him n me,only ahma know abit..
or maybe they all suspected..but no one rly knew what exactly happen..
tt's how pathetic and bad it was..
but whenever they say about him,i still feel tt awkwardness..
they'll just talk about him,but i wont say anything,just keep quiet and acting like nth's wrg..
and they cont talking about him,i just pretended cant rly hear..
xh was rly concerned tt time about tt ahgong n me..and we exchaged glances,and i just looked away quickly..
i didnt want them to know,tt i haven forget about tt ahgong and leave it behind..
don't want them to know,tt i still think of tt ahgong and miss him..
don't want them to know,tt scar is so deep,it's not recovered..

tt trauma..tt fear..
make me hate to listen to rs stuff..
even kengx have been telling me about her n this guy..
and i still had to give her advice smhw,happily..
listening and smiling..
i rly hated to hear all these..
but they're all my frens..and i have to face it..
i just could only,hear it,smile,joking,and hide the crazy pain inside..
and pretend,i'm ok,since long ago..
how hard it is..how crazy..
they all dont know..
but just wishing tt it'll turn out good for them..
and i guess no one will be so 'unlucky' like me,to get in such a mess..
when all tt ahpoh wanted was just so simple..but she got into such a great mess..
messing up her life..
why is it so easy and simple for others..just like wh..
why did i let myself get hurt..

had free tics for voyage de la vie..
and sy wanted to watch..
so i had to go watch it again..
brought her guy fren along..and i just tried to shun smhw..
didnt rly want to intro or talk..
even when we talk,dun rly want to look him in the face..
so scared smhw already..

aft tt,alcoholic sy suggested go find ahma at work,alleybar..
and ahma's expression was super funny when sy popped right infront of her at the counter..
so we drank..
and sy suddenly asked..
so how are u and tt guy..
did he leave already..
i was stunned for awhile..
and ans what can happen btw us..
he left long ago ah..
laughing it out..

pretending,dont want her to know i haven fully recover..
pretending it doesnt matter anymore..
when i still look through the pics in my phone..
esp our first pic tgt..
silly silly silly..

lunar eclipse,red moon.

2011-06-16T05:03:00.002+08:00

http://eclipse.slooh.com/

was trying to look out for the red moon..
only saw the round round moon just now..
and its surrounding a little orange,red??
then went out to see again,the moon disappeared..
the sky was red,bec it was going to rain..
cant see the red moon..only through that web..
so cool to see the changes of the moon on the web..live still..

amazing universe..moon..stars esp..

memory is a way..

2011-06-15T00:56:00.003+08:00

'Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love,the things you are,the things you never want to lose.'

tt day went w mum and aunt to guai yin temple..
and again..
like the last time i was there..and tt time in bkk at the four face buddha..
i cant forget but actually pray and wished everything to be well for tt ahgong over there..
not just for my family,but for him also..
and i feel so dumb,so so dumb..
it feels like doing a 'bad thing'..
like why care and still pray and wish tt everything's well for someone tt 'killed me'..
smhw like helping a criminal..

even though everything's against him..
deep inside,i still want to believe in tt ahgong somehow,wishing my belief isnt wrong..
tt he cant be so bad..tt he couldnt have changed so much..

was watching bones,and one of the main characters,booth said..
'people dont really change..we like to believe they do,but they don't..'

all these times,i've been thinking bad of him,to try and convince and get myself to hate tt ahgong,and forget him..
thinking that he rly changed,he isnt tt ahgong i got to know anymore..
but it's so hard..tt 'good ahgong' always came back in my mind..
and i just have to lie to myself,tt he's rly bad rly bad..to make it easier for myself..

but the thing is,is it rly tt easy for someone to change so much in such a short time..
personality,a person's character,nature don't just change like this..
it's developed over time..and needs time to change as well..like evolving smhw..
isnt it like a habit..
we dont nurture a habit overnight,or get rid of it overnight..
or maybe inside him,the real him is the 'bad him',that she saw..
not tt good ahgong that i was with,tt i saw..
so then,was it all his pretence..such good pretence??for what??
if he could be the way he was when he was w me..
then isnt it like what auntie vic said..
his ben xing/nature is not bad..??

such ironies and contradictions that i can never understand..

just cant help it..
but still always wonder how's tt ahgong doing,did he get sick again,is he taking good care of himself..
esp now,its winter over there..and tt ahgong's so scared of cold..
tt time when we were tgt,silly me even thought i could learn knitting from aunt and make a scarf for tt ahgong..
thinking tt i wont be w him,to cover him w my jacket like the 2 times in cinema..
so silly..
now i can just think if he's wearing enough..and not catch a cold..

aft tt first time he got sick over there..
was so worried..
but i couldnt talk to him,and i guess he wont reply..
he'll only call and talk to her when he's troubled,stressed,or what..
the only thing i could do,was thinking so hard,then deciding to be 'thick skinned' to send a msg to his roomie..
asking him a favour to 'help me' take care of him,or look out more for him,since he always get sick so easily..
telling him tt ahgong likes ice cream,always easily stressed,emo,slp late..
and of cux telling him not to tell tt ahgong tt i sent him tt msg..

at first he said he was so worried when he saw tt ahgong sick,and got me more worried..
then he told me tt ahgong was better already,and said he could tell if he's ok,saying he'll joke and smile..
and it was so nice to hear about it..
and made me feel better knowing tt someone's there to look out for him..

silly me..but that was the only one thing i could do..

你不知道的事

2011-06-14T02:12:00.004+08:00

watched the movie love in disguise by wang leehom on scv ytd..
and one of the soundtrack for the movie is the song 你不知道的事..
a very nice and touching song,beautiful lyrics..had stars in it too..
and always liked songs w piano playing..
rmb last year auntie vic watched the show and asked me to listen to the song..
i did..and got 'addicted' and kept listening to it then..

and one time i esp rmb,i was listening to it..
and tt ahgong called..and asked what i was doing..told him was listening to tt song..
but i guess he didnt rly catch the song name..
dunno why but i just remembered tt moment he called when i was listening to tt song..
and i rmb i muted the vol and talk to him..then turn it on again,softer..
cant rly rmb wad we talked tt particular time..
just rmb the song and rmb was chatting w fren online for awhile at the same time..
so it was like we werent rly talking much..
just like simply holding on to the ph..so simple..but happy..
then i think he started playing his guitar and singing..

at tt time..i heard the song..i didnt rly listen real hard to the lyrics of the song and the meaning of it..
but after all the bad things happened..i listened it again..
and i wished the lyrics could be saying,explaining about what tt ahgong was doing..
对不起我却没捉紧你
你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨
碎了满地在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里

somehow it did sound abit like what tt ahgong did..
sending auntie vic tt msg about how bad he had hurt me,deliberately..
so tt i'll forget him..
told auntie vic,but didnt want her to show me,didnt want me to know..
just let me be,even though he knew how much pain i was..
asking auntie vic to take care of me real well..
and he'll never turn back..
狠下心..were the exact words i once told him..
tt if he decided not to try..i'll 狠下心 and forget him..
but he knew i wouldnt be able to do it..
and he turned around to be the one to 狠下心 and do this to me,'help' me forget him..
i hated it..really hated..

'你不知道我为什么狠下心..'
i really wished there was some reason,some other reasons behind everything..
to explain why that ahgong can cruelly do this,all these,and become such a completely different person in such a short time..
but i always told myself it wasnt possible..
what other reasons can there be..
it was only about her..
it's so disgusting to think further..
i really dont know..

and esp tt time..can never forget what jean told me..had such a great impact on me..
'I know.u always believed that he was a good guy esp because you know his past and everything. but maybe because he's a good guy,so he wants to protect u because he likes u.maybe that's why he's doing this.sometimes when u like a person,you'll do things that you think is protecting the person but you won't really think like whether or not the person wants to be protected,right?'

how much i wished the song and what jean said could be true to a certain extent..
but i guess i'll never know..not even the truth..

aft tt show,watched 2012..
rmb watching it w cousins..but still it was nice to watch again..
and with so many predictions recently about when the world will end..
made the movie seemed 'scarier'..
and last week out w family and cousins..
forgot what we talked..ended up talking about end of world..
and my cousins believed about the 2012 prediction..
the world ending on 21/12/12..
one of my cousin bday,and her sis was still joking bout her bday being end of the world..
they were saying why cant we cfm if tt rly is the end of the world,and we can do things we like to do,dont need study,etc..

and i did think about what if the world was ending..
what would we like to do..
i would want to go travelling around to the places i havent been..
spend time w family..so many things to do..
i like kids so much..
and one pity is tt i wont get to have any children of my own,watch them grow up,teaching them things,wont have my own family..
but we rly wont know,or predict when's the world ending..
so we still have to cont living our norm lives..
but if the world is rly going to end next year end,like maybe sudden major earthquakes,floods..

i sillyly,foolishly thought..if tt day come..and before i die..
i would want to try calling that ahgong,and hear him for the last time,and calling him ahgong for the last time..
and maybe hear 'ahpoh' the last time..and tell him all the things i want to say..

王力宏 - 你不知道的事

蝴蝶眨几次眼睛才学会飞行
夜空洒满了星星但几颗会落地
我飞行但你坠落之际
很靠近还听见呼吸
对不起我却没捉紧你
你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨
碎了满地在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是你不知道的事

我飞行但你坠落之际
你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨
碎了满地在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是你不知道的事

latest f1..

2011-06-13T05:27:00.004+08:00

f1 race in canada just ended!
the longest,latest race..
started at 1am and ended at 5 becux of the 2 hr rain!
and dad had to stay up with us till it ends bef he can slp in his living room!
patiently watched w bro n me..and he was amazed to see the speed went up to 300+km per hr..

and my poor vettel started the race at pole position again..
was leading the race throughout despite the poor conditions..
but turned,late on breaks and slide at one wet corner,and gave away his first position right at the last part of the last lap!!
omg..and gave it just like that so easily to button!!!
if not for the rain and the wet track he wont have slided there and give away his place like that..
that was the first big mistake from him for this whole season!
such a pity..he worked the whole race and someone got his place just like that..
yes,button did a great job too,bec of his accidents and penalty he was last at some point of the race..
and he worked his way through the traffic,great overtaking and strategy to get his first victory of the season..
because of vettel's careless mistake..
and i guess if not for the last accident that made the safety car come out,and all cars had to slow down and line up behind it..
bec of tt,it caused vettel to lose the gap of 10secs tt he carefully opened up bet him and the 2nd car..
if not for tt,button wont have had the chance to catch up with 10+ laps to go..

vettel have always been under alot of pressure since he always started at pole,and others were in hot pursuit..
but he always soak up the pressure and remained calm and collected to finish the race perfectly,almost no mistakes!
but this time..

esp the last race in monte carlo,the last few laps were crazy exciting chasing from the others behind him,closing on him lap aft lap,so close behind him and trying to make a move and overtake him..
but he still managed to keep his cool and drove perfectly..
and the accident that caused the race to stop for awhile gave him chance to change to fresh tires and helped him secure his win esp when all others had fresh tires before the accident and he didnt..
so admirable..
but this time..he made a mistake..
so ke lian..such a pity..
just abit more to the finishing point..
can feel and see his disappointment on his face..
haix..

luckily still,winning 5 out of 7 races..
and 2 second positions..
he's still first in the championship standings..
a large gap of 60 points!

today's race was quite exciting..
bro's idol hamiltion got out quite early bec of the accident..
alonso got out too..2 out the 5 hot contenders were out of this race..
and some unexpected racers popped up in this race vying for the podium spots,other than the usual top 5 contenders..
kobayashi esp..was at second and seemed to be holding on to the position..and get up the podium for the first time..
schumacher too!the 'hero' who won so many races in the past,and was back from retirement..
so many talked about whether was he still able to perform since his younger team mate always seemed to overtake him..
he was in a good postion num 2,and then dropped down to 4th..
and i guess he still is performing,and his great experience showed in his driving today..
massa too..havent rly outperform his teammate alonso this season..
prefer massa to alonso..thought alonso is always so aggresive,trying too hard sometimes to try to overtake..
for the first time this season,both seemed to had a good chance of winning too when they started at 2nd and 3rd postion..esp when alonso was out..massa could have had get a place..
but such a disappointment for them and ferrari!
pity for so many racers today,as they rly had a great chance to get on the podium or be in top 10 to get some points!
and esp,my vettel!his first place..could have been 6 out of 7 wins..

and dad staying up so late was good too..
was shouting for him to help us try catch a cockroach in the room!
but it disappeared..disgusting..hope it wont appear anymore..or climb up our bed..

it's about the rest of the story,till the end..

2011-06-09T03:52:00.002+08:00

hols been great so far..packed..
went out w sotong shing last week..
and went w her to visit her grandma..
and also visited auntie vic/physiotherapist neo at work w her stethoscope around her neck like a doc!
guess she's enjoying her job even though its tiring and tough,but the satisfaction she gets from it is so much more than the physical tiredness..

envy her to be able to get such satisfaction,and wondering will i get tt kind of satisfaction in my job next time,what kind of satisfaction..
because satisfaction in a job,will be such great motivation for work..
i rmb i had some sort of satisfaction when working at sh,helping cust solving their prob,explaining to them the things they didnt understand..
and at the end of it,just a simple thank you,and you can hear it from their voice..
that's simple satisfaction from tt job..
and it did gave me motivation to go to work,when i got tired and frustrated of the job and the com system..
and bec of it,somehow made me cont to stay on..
satisfaction and motivation really helps alot..
and i just wonder about what i look for in my future job..
what kind of satisfaction to expect..
as we get nearer and nearer to graduating..

visited shing's grandma..
shing told me about how grandma seem to be fine sometimes,and then sometimes she'll say weird weird things..
like complaining to nurse tt there's a fire,or floods..
she already got to know bout what happened to her 2 sons..
and i guess she's rly strong..dunno what she's thinking inside when she know about it..or does she rly know,understand..

tt day she seemed ok..
when we asked if she ate..
she ans in a funny way..
saying she ate her lunch already,but not dinner..
the nurse heard,and said,it's not dinner time yet,of course won't have dinner ah..
other than tt she seemed ok..din say weird weird stuff..
bought tau huey for her to eat..
and she also ate the jellies i made for shing n vic..
so cute looking at her eat..shing was joking saying she dont have alot teeth left..

and saw those other patients/grandmas there..
as their wards were being cleaned..
the grandmas were all sitting along the corridor waiting..
and they were all rly rly old..
some were rly bad tempered..
and it was funny looking at them..how the nurse fed them food..
some kept wanting this and that..and some refused to eat..
like this ahma,the nurse fed her bread dipped in milo,and she didnt totally bite,so the bread was 'hanging' at her mouth there..
until it was about to break off,then then nurse tried to 'catch it'..
and tt ahma,showed a smile..
and this other ahma..
kept calling ppl walking past..telling them,today's monday..
shing said the last time she was there for one hr,and she called her 10 times,telling her it was monday..
so cute,but rly pity them..

no one was visiting them at tt time..
and i rly wondered if anyone did visit them..
they were all so old,and weak..
were they all still thinking properly..
and it's so ke lian to like just be sitting there,lying there the whole day,waiting for time to pass by just like that..
and i just wonder how will it be like,when we all become so old..
so old and weak until we have to be in the hospital like this..
no one to care for us,and all we can do is just sit and lie there..
waiting for our time to be up..
it's so scary..

then we went to watch kungfu panda 2..
and at some point both of us fell aslp..
for slping so late the previous night..
and shing said,i rly wanted to watch,but my eyes just closed..

didnt rly want to watch..but there werent much choices..
and we wanted to kill time,to wait for auntie vic end work n dinner tgt..
it'll just remind me of tt person bef tt ahgong..
tt time out to celeb my bday,we watched some movie and then saw the adv and was waiting to watch kungfu panda 1..
in the end,so much happened,like always..
but it was nth compared to tt ahgong..
it was before tt ahgong,quite some time ago,and less hurt..
but up till now,i still havent totally forget,sometimes i still think about what happened..
so how long will it take for me to forget tt,and then tt ahgong's..
it is already so hard for tt..
how much harder,longer,will it be for tt ahgong..

and in the movie..
there was a sentence,sth like 'it's about the rest of the story,till the end..'
how many times do we have to tell ourself it's about the rest of the story,if bad things keep happening..
life isnt that long..if we keep saying that..
and simply forget,let go of the bad past..
then wouldnt our life be like 'shorten' so much..
and will the future,really be good..
if all we care is our 'the rest of the story'..

i really wish its good..
i really wish this is the last time that i have to tell,convince myself that it's about the rest of the story,till the end..

one year ago..

2011-06-07T03:30:00.006+08:00

10 blue blacks on my legs~~crazy 10!!
plus 5 mosquitoe bites!
so many scar spots here n there,blue blacks plus the super big eczema thingy that forever stays there..
i rly dunno had so many bruises until mum saw and nagged at me..
asking why got so many,say my legs so ugly w all the spots..
and i told her,i didnt even notice,dun even know how i got them..
dumb dumb me..

one year ago..
our first day of work or rather training at starhub..
where the 4 of us met,and became good frens..
one year later..
jean's back for awhile from beijing..
just nice,meeting on this exact mon before jean flies back..
but just the 3 of us..without o..
and shir even 'joked' in a sacarstic way saying why we didnt ask o..
still saying she deleted her contacts,fb..
haix..
why did things become like that..
feel so guilty,sry..

went airport again to send jean off..
and she wanted to cry again..
must be still on the plane now,back to beijing..
her nx short trip back will be in oct,first week of oct..
cant wait for her to be back again..
but i hate oct..
so scared for it to come..
why cant we just go back to one year ago..
where we were working and training happily,having so much fun..
just one year ago..

just have to continue using smiles,laughter to cover it all..
shir was using her big big tab to play games,msg,call,take pics of us..
so big,and we kept laughing at her..holding it like some geomancer..
and using it to take pics is so funny..so big screen..

"Sometimes it’s easier to pretend things are okay rather than face a difficult truth. So we go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life.
We hope the comfortable rythyms of familiarity will hold off the inevitable just a little longer. Return things to normal… Anything to buy us more time. Playing pretend, make believe - it might be one thing we never outgrow. "

what is letting go.

2011-06-02T03:35:00.002+08:00

"To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.
Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past.
Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn’t about loss, and it’s not defeat.
To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome.It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future.
Letting go is accepting. It’s learning, experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh,made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again.
Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, to clear a path, and to set you free. "

i think i'm doing very good now,i'm back to my normal life like before..
but i just need my own space here,where others,friends don't see that me now..
i just need my own space to rant,some place i don't need to hide secrets..
cause they're just seeing smiles..
cause behind the smile is everything no one understands..
i have accepted it..or rather so tired of it all..

this is life,that's why everything's like that..
i cant change it,i can only laugh at it and smile it away..
smile the pain away..

ephemeral like a rainbow,snowflakes..

2011-06-02T02:52:00.007+08:00

today's 02062011..
it's june already..

talked to jean tt day and talked about when she coming back..
meeting her on 6jun,mon..
and i asked is that the mon last year we started work..our first day in starhub..
and yes,it was,that week,that monday..

and i said how i wished we can just go back to one year ago..tt time..
and she just said 'hugz'..i guess she know what i meant to say to go back to one year ago..
where 4 of us just met..
and i thought why i wanted to go back to one yr ago..
is it because i wished i didnt met tt ahgong,then i won't have had to go through all these pain..
or is it because i would still want to meet tt ahgong,and hoping tt things would have turn out differently,and i definitely would not have done things i did then..

i know i've nv regretted meeting tt ahgong,and i would still choose to meet him again..
and i'm sure i wouldnt be so cowardly..i'm sure i would have been more brave to hold on to tt ahgong tighter..and not let go on day one,to let him to decide..i would have told him right in the face how much i wanted it,and not act like i didnt care..

someone asked me if that ahgong was my first..
and i said you should know there were others..
but tt ahgong did so much in such a short time..
so much so that..i guess he should be tt ahpoh's real first love..
the one the ahpoh like the most,the hardest she find to let go..
the most pain ever..
and also it was the greatest happiness she felt,up till now..

was watching tv with mum..
and she was saying the actor and actress..
the girl was attached..but seems like she actually like the other guy..
mum says the girl and the other guy both like each other..
but the timing was wrong..

and i thought was our timing wrong??is there really such a thing?
why will the timing be wrong..?how does it come into play..
when we should be working everything out ourself..
so what if it was wrong?does it mean our right timing will come one day?will it?
i wish..

tt ahgong even said before..
if we met earlier..he'll choose..
and i always wonder what he rly mean..
does it just mean he didnt got over his last..
and so if we met earlier..
we'll still be tgt..

but aft he said tt..he ended up getting tgt w her..
and at tt pt in time when he said tt,the girl say they already had sth..
so why did he say that..how did he say that..

was our timing really wrong..
because he decided tt he didnt want anything serious yet at tt point in time..
tts why he still bothered to msg auntie vic after he deliberately talked so badly to me,and asked her to help him take care of me..
but why,all these time,he didnt even try and ask how am i doing,or talk to me..
nth at all..is he rly so hen xin..to want me to rly forget him..aft capturing my heart like this..and leave me behind..
when i was the one to say that i will be hen xin and forget..
how can tt ahgong turn ard and be so hen xin to tt ahpoh..
i just dont know what was he thinking when he said that..
if we met earlier..
such a great big liar??i always try to tell myself..

so does it mean the timing is just wrong and our chance is just gone..forever..
and fate letting us meet was just a dumb thing..
because it made us meet,and made that ahgong so impt and mean so much to me..
but in the end,it made us walk away from each other,not even letting us be tgt for a longer time..
so short,but sweet..
should i feel lucky that it was so sweet so happy so shortlived like a rainbow,snowflakes..
ephemeral..
but then there's this big part of questionable truth,this 'dirty truth',left behind on this sweetest part of my life yet..

or will there come a time,where the timing will be right for us..
it won't..

because 'how much i wanted to believe if fate wanted us to meet at this wrong time,it'll bring us tgt somehow somewhere,even if it were to take 4 yrs to get there.'

and i cant believe in anything,anymore..

Why cant life be simple and nice..

2011-05-31T03:33:00.002+08:00

Why cant life be simple and nice..
Why cant it stop right there at the point,tt moment tt i'll nv forget..
That point where everything was so simple and nice and perfect,simple sweet happiness..
That point where we were just sitting on the bench under the night sky,enjoying the breeze,and gazing at stars..
Though there wasnt tt much breeze passing by,rmb tt night was humid,and both of us ended up so sticky..
But other than that,everything else was perfect,with the right person,the right moment,everything..
That ahgong even said if only the scenery infront is that of the sea..
Why cant life be just as simple as that..
Why cant we pause right there,at that perfect moment,or continue on simply without any problems..
Why is it so hard to achieve,see that in life..
Why must life be so complicated,or rather why must ppl be so complicated and mess up the simple life,world, we yearn for..
When happiness can be achieved so easily,and can be so simple and easy, simple till no one could have expected,imagined..

Our happiness was so easy..

最幸福的事。我真的幸福过。

2011-05-30T05:21:00.002+08:00

那时刚认识他的时候，他总是能不经意的让我微笑，让我快乐的过一整天。
那是从未有人做到的，带给我的，那是真的快乐，简简单单的快乐。
就因为那样，我是感到如此如此的幸福，那从未感觉过的，简单的幸福，快乐和甜蜜。
可是，后来所发生的一切，让我质疑我真的幸福过吗，那是真的幸福，快乐吗，还是，是他所制造的假象，一个又一个精心编织出来的谎言？

我真的幸福过吗？

我们曾拥有着同一个梦想，才因此走进了彼此世界里，想一起实现它，让它不再仅仅是个梦。
我们曾一起期盼，梦想，甚至放眼，窥探进拥有彼此的未来。
我们曾一起度过的时光，如此短暂，但却充满美好的回忆。
足够我记得一辈子。

我们曾是擦肩而过的陌生人，却奇妙的碰上。
那瞬间决定了一切，也逐步让我们变成对彼此如此的重要。
永远也忘不了我们首次遇见的那一瞬间，谈话的那一瞬间，不知为什们它就深深的烙印在我脑海里。
他在他位子上，我站在他身旁，而我说的第一句话，竟是问他是不是叫~，问他是不是我要找的人。
他那表情，言行举止，我们的对话，一切的一切都如此的深刻，清晰。

我们俩都没想到那一瞬间，那次的碰面仅是一切的开始，一切一切已慢慢的开始。
一位陌生客人，就这样轻易地改变了我们两个陌生人的宿命，带给了我的生命如此大的变化，惊天动地的。
就只因为一位陌生人，却奇妙的让我们俩从陌生人变成，对彼此都如此重要，也让我们踏进了彼此的世界里。

他的耐心，贴心，温柔，深思搜率;他所说的一切，所做的一切，对我所许下的诺言，甚至也要我承诺，答应他的事，一切都让我看到他的决心，如此的认真，相似准备着，想要我们俩更容易的，手牵着手，一起踏上那长长的旅程，我们共同的旅程，踏进拥有彼此的未来。
就因为他，才让我好不容易的鼓起勇气，真的想要去珍惜这次的机会。
一切的一切让我感到如此的幸运，高兴，让我相信真的有缘分这东西，让我相信只要我们深信，一切都会实现。
因为那时我是那么的深信着，只要耐心等待，仔细寻找，一定会遇见我们所在等待的那个人。
而我真的遇到了，他真的是我所一直向往的那个人，所梦想要的那个人。

可是无奈，一切却不是我以为的那么完美，不是梦想成真。
而是演变成我人生中最可怕的噩梦，最可笑的笑话;留下的不是甜美的回忆，而是无法抹灭，丑陋的伤痕。
因为我当时是如此的深信，只要等待，一定会等到，但事实却不是如此，结果伤害更深，也让我不再相信。
那么，应该怪我自己太过天真吗，拥有,甚至深信与不切实际，幼稚的思想？
还是，该怪那个对我如此重要的人，他的出现，他那无法理解的行为？
到现在，我还是不知道。

我好想好想把全部的事情怪罪于他，想尽办法让自己，逼自己讨厌他，让自己好过些。
我真的好想怪他，但我做不到。
因为到现在我还是无法理解一个人，他，如何会有那么大的变化，太大太大的变化了;大得超出任何人可想像，可接受的范围; 大得让人感到害怕，纳闷，为何他能在如此短的时间里，变得像另外一个人似的，甚至变成他们所认为的‘怪兽’。
那个变了的他，对我来说是如此的陌生，可怕，我没看过那样的他，更没办法去想象，去对比那两个不同的他。
因为每当我试着去回忆我认识的那个他，想着我们所相处的欢乐时光，在想着现在他们所说那个可怕的他，眼泪就会情不自禁的夺眶而出，而我心里是如此如此的痛，无法想象的剧痛。
就因为我无法接受他的变化，我真的办不到，无法怪罪于他。

起初，或者到现在，我从没有放弃那怪自己的念头。
或者说，我好气我自己，气自己把自己的幸福送走，摧毁它。
如果当初我没那么害怕，胆怯，没那么去在乎他，怕他会不会后悔，不去问他，要他再想清楚，而给他和自己多一点信心，或许这一切就不会发生了，而我也不会过着如此痛苦的日子。
或许我们还会在一起，高高兴兴，幸福的在一起。
因为我们曾经，甚至憧憬着，想着，讨论着未来，四年后，他毕业了我们会是怎样。

但有时我想这一切不应该怪我自己，因为我应该是被他们伤得最深的，受害人。
一直不断告诉自己我没犯任何的错，应该是他们有愧于我。
但，要说服自己真的好难好难。
我一想到在我第二次再开口问那句话前，一切还是如此的幸福时，我的心就好痛好痛。
因为那些温馨，幸福，快乐的画面都会不由自主的浮现在我脑海里。
我好想自己能是微笑地回想着那些回忆，该庆幸自己曾如此幸福过，但往往，泪水常在眼眶里打转。
而我真的不知道该不该感到庆幸，因为我永远永远也不会知道那些到底是不是真心的，一切都似乎被许许多多的故事，谎言给混淆了，分不出真假。

也就是这样，到现在，我还是被这一切的一切所困住，折磨着，没办法接受，理解; 释怀，放开，忘记，更没我要的答案，那我害怕知道的答案。

想到我们曾在彼此生命是如何的重要，现在我们却好像又变回以往那样，变回两个素未蒙面的陌生人，只会让我感到心痛，心酸。
或许，对他来说，那阿婆早已消失，再也不重要，但对我来说，那阿公还是如此如此的重要，永远会留在我心里深处。

唯一我知道的答案是，我真的幸福过。
我感觉过，我相信他，我曾经拥有如此甜美的回忆，如此幸福的幸福，简单的幸福快乐。

我真的幸福过。

最幸福的事

2011-05-26T03:55:00.001+08:00

最幸福的事
梁文音

你撑着雨伞借我那次
已经足够我记得一辈子
我懂后来你不是不坚持
爱情本来就没万无一失

泪水离开了你的手指
那不如让它流在这信纸
我想女孩子最贴心的是
让爱的人选结束的方式

*我最幸福的事当过你的天使
趁鼻酸能掩饰让我们像当时拥抱最后一次
最幸福的事吹蜡烛时你总为我许愿的手势
为挚爱的人在左边心口保留位置是最幸福的事

可惜爱不是童话故事
不能够永远依赖着王子
再难过其实只剩两个字
我怎么忍心为难你解释

那一阵子有你美得不像现实
多高兴每一幕都微笑着静止

我最幸福的事牵着你的日子
一段爱从开始直至分开我们都对彼此诚实
最幸福的事对那片海用力大喊永远的样子
想得起的事那天和你傻笑着认识是最幸福的事

feels so empty now..

2011-05-24T02:17:00.011+08:00

now that exams are over..
it feels even more empty..
there's nth to work for,work towards or any work to think of..
to keep myself busy..
just feel like it's rly rly empty..

sotong gathering ytd aft so long..
awhile ago..auntie vic already told me bout sotong wh getting a potential bf soon..
quite soon aft she just broke w her previous,our classmate..
and then ytd she cfm n told us..
the guy told her to give him an ans aft the exams,like setting a date..
and when ahma heard,thought it was funny to set a date..
but said,worst,her fren actually set a date for break up..
saying if they didnt settle their prob by a date,they should break..
does setting a date helps??

i just think of how at tt ahgong house..
he kept asking me to give him a date..for him to think through and give me an ans..
but i didnt give him a date..
because i didnt want to force or stress him,just wanted him to think properly,slowly..
like right from the beginning..
even though as much as i wanted it,i didnt tightly grab hold of it and not let go,didnt tell him,didnt think for myself once..
instead,just told him to think again,like it wont matter much to me..

and now,i just think about it,and it just makes me dun undstd even more,so funny..
why did he ask me to give him a date..
when according to her,at tt time,he was already making his move on her..
why asked me for such things when u already want to give up..
does it make u feel better,doesnt it make u feel more guilty??
or what exactly were you thinking..

why asked if i rly wanted to try..
why asked and said so much silly things tt day,and all ur actions,tt meant so much..
why so stupid to make someone more hurt by asking her tt,when u are alrdy 'having fun' w someone else..
why,when u totally had no reason to say all those,when u already decided her..
why did u say that..you could have said nth at all..

why did u have to say all those and hurt her more and make her seem like a fool now..
hearing all those and then thinking back at how you said all those stuff,and how i judged how you felt from your actions,words,then..
like a fool that cant judge what's right and wrong..
like a fool that cant tell lies,crap from truth..
like a fool that can only hear things from other ppl,like her mind have to be manipulated by ppl..
she cant decide whats wrong..she can never..
like a fool..
is it so fun..
i believed you,so much..
but i just cant help but feel like a fool..

you'll never know you've put me through..no one will..
putting me through this crazy thing tt's following me all these months..
haunting me..
you'll never know how pain it is..
and her..i know she's a victim too..
how she's telling me how she feel her life is being ruined by him..
how hurt she is..i know..i sympathise her..
but she'll never know what kind of hurt i went through,what they put me through..
so much so that,i dont know if its comparable..
yes,i know their 'diff kind' of rs..must have made it hurt more..
but i just cant help but think,when they were tgt tt time,enjoying themselves..
esp tt xmas season..when they were so happy tgt..
what was i feeling,doing..
feeling so disgusted,nauseous at the sight of food or maybe inside the toilet,crying,or trying to hold back my tears infront of my family,and putting on tt fake smile,pretending i'm happy happy,when i'm not..
no one will know how pain it is to pretend to laugh and smile,when u're not at all happy,when inside it's burning pain..
because you just wanted to be strong infront of others,and family,and didnt want them to worry..
it's crazy..like hell..

while u all were celebrating xmas tgt..
i could only rmb how tt ahgong asked bef what i wanted for xmas just nice 3 mths in adv tt day..
rmb how i was on the ph w him at the mrt station..heard tt train is coming,courtesy campaign song thingy..
told him sounds like xmas..
and he asked what present i want for xmas..
rmb was smiling about it when he asked,who would sillyly ask about xmas present when it was 3 mths later..
and was thinking what would he get me,if i didnt tell him..
and tt was what i got..

time aft time,i told myself i should hate tt ahgong,hate them as much as i can to make things easier for me,and forget them forever..
but i just fail terribly..
esp when i rmb tt ahgong's msg to vic,asking her to tk care of me real well..
it just make me believe a little,think that tt ahgong cant be tt bad,it couldnt be the real him,that she's telling me..
beacause that action of his..
that him..was the REAL him,that ahgong that i got to know of..
it's so diff from the him tt she told me..that he later changed to..
so so so diff..and it's so scary..
i hate to accept it..

wh was telling sotongs all the sweet things her bf did..
yes,alot more touching things than those tt ahgong did..
and it just reminded me of those tt ahgong did..
wh said about what he did when he felt he made her angry one time..
and i just cant help bt rmb how tt ahgong was sitting beside me and msged me and said sry because i sounded angry bec he didnt reply my msg..
and aft tt still kept saying sry..
it was also so sweet,someone msging u sry,when u're just sitting side by side..
and esp we didnt know each other v long,but tt ahgong could notice sth was wrong just over the ph..
wh and her bf knew each other for quite some time already..
it could have been easier..

other sweet things,tt ahgong did also..tt made me smiled from deep inside,like a silly girl..
like those sweet stuff wh's bf did..
and all the crazy memorable things we did and experienced tgt..
but why did tt ahgong do all those sweet things,and ended up like this..
in just a short time..it's crazy..

again,why is it so easy for others..

I don't hate you,I never could.
I don't regret meeting you,I never will.
That ahpoh will never regret meeting that ahgong.

white carrot cake.

2011-05-22T02:08:00.002+08:00

bro's finally coming back tml from cambodia from his sch trip tml,or rather later..
and he'll just be in time to watch the f1 race tml too..
glutton still brought lipton tea,milo,tibits,over when he's just there for 5 days..
feels so weird tt's he's not home..
and mum's cooking lesser cause without our 'vacum cleaner' to eat all the food leftover,so much will be wasted..

dad bought supper back..white carrot cake..
and the last time i ate white carrot cake was with tt ahgong..
like black one better,seldom eat white de..
and as i was eating,rly trying so hard to not think,could feel those tears..
just cant help but rmb..

the last time i ate it with that ahgong at chomp tt night..
while tt ahgong was talking to o on the ph,i went to help him order his hokkien mee..rojak..our drinks..
when we were msging before meeting up..
rmb he msged saying he'll treat ok,w a smiley face..
cause i was like waiting for him to be done,and it was late..
but i quickly paid bef the food came..
then tt ahgong wanted carrot cake..asked black or white..
and i said anything..and then he ordered white de..
so i know tt ahgong liked white carrot cake,not black de..
and tt was the last time i eat white carrot cake..happily w tt ahgong..and i still fed him those prawns..

i rly hate eating those things i ate bef w tt ahgong..
brings back so much memories,so much pain somehow..
so pathetic,eating until feel like crying..
i used to always like to eat the fish soup noodles opp my house..
norm always have it for dinner if nv go out during wkends and mum dun cook..
the last time i had it was tt dinner i had at home bef going out to meet tt ahgong on our first day..
and i rmb i was watching tv,happily eating it,and then dad was going to go out le..
asking when i going out and still told me mm lee wife,kwa geok choo,passed away..
and i rmb i was shocked and asked dad how he know..
now,during wkends when we need pack dinner,and there's nth much to eat,i'd rather don't eat..and i'll never eat tt fish soup noodle..
till one day when the pain goes away,maybe..

just now went for lunch date w kengx and jy,without beets,who should be happily in rome now..touring around..
havent been out alot for the past few mths..and feels abit weird..
and tcc had this little booklet thing..w tarot readings..
so we tried it out..
don't know if it's accurate or not..
but really hope it is..

aft lunch,walked ard ion w kengx..
and walked pass tt coffee bean we were at out first time out..
was going to go down the escalator..
and cant help but kept staring and turn back and look at the shop..
trying to spot the table we sat at..
the spot where we were so happy..
where tt ahgong and ahpoh was at,talking..
and where tt scheming ahgong was secretly taking so many pic of tt ahpoh..
trying to show he was using his ph doing other things when he was taking pics..
and aft being 'discovered'..
tt ahgong was happily sliding through showing me the pics and 'showing off'..
the spot where tt ahgong pose for me to take pics of him..
showing those funny faces..tt shuai face..tt ahgong..

aunt was telling me just now about the show we're watching..bones..
sth tt guy said in the show..to the girl..
saying no matter how many woman a guy have in his life,he'll always go back to his first..
and i thought,of tt ahgong..him going back to his first??
seems not possible,when it wasnt rly true from the beginning..
but which of his is true anyway,i rly dunno..maybe cindy's the only one?i dunno..
i dun even noe if tt ahpoh was true,whether did she rly existed..

and i thought does it apply to girls as well..tt we go back to our first?
my first cant rly be considered first..and the other didnt seem like it also..
and i thought tt ahgong should be the 'first love' somehow..
the sweetest and best period of my life..
and because of how long i'm taking to recover,how serious we were,or maybe just me,how hurt i was,in such a short time..
but its not up to me to decide..
saying i want to go back means i can go back to tt ahgong straight..?no..
it wont happen like this..and i would seem so stupid to do so..

'Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew..'

that's how hard it is..

end of year 2.

2011-05-19T18:05:00.001+08:00

audit paper today,the last paper.
and it marks the end of year 2 uni life.
yet another year passed just like that.zoom past.
time really flies.one year passing like one month.
and soon it'll be our final year already.
so scary.

everytime aft exams,there will be this feeling..
when everything's supposed to be over already,can slack and do nothing..
but we'll feel so weird,uneasy,like there's sth to be done,when in fact,we have nth to do at all for the nx few months!
and now,suddenly,it feels like everything lost its meaning..
like nth seems to matter anymore..
so tired..

sent beets off at the airport..off she goes for her one month europe grad trip..
so excited for her,so envious too..
saw the timetable itenary they planned..so interesting..
waiting for our turn next year..

finally,everything is over.
and i hanged on rly rly rly tight and braved through it all.
did i survive and come out stronger or did i barely struggle through and now it seems..

so tired.that ahgong made me smile more than anyone else did..

2011-05-13T00:28:00.000+08:00

i think i had the most sound slp ytd since dunno how long ago..
from all the accumulated tiredness the past few crazy months..
slp until the first time ever,my blanket was on the floor..
don't know how i slp until it was on the floor..
always cover properly and hang on,hug the blanket somehow and slp w it..
never once the whole blanket drop..maybe one of my many pillows can drop,but not the blanket..
drop until i didnt know until it got rly cold..
how tired was i..
and mum wake me up to ask me go out..and i cont slping..until she called me again..
and i still asked her calling me or my sis..she said me..and i still asked wake up for wad,go where..when i promised aunt to go help her w moving tdy..
and i cont slping in the car,slp so well until i even had dreams..

should i be happy for myself,so tired all these times,from everything,all the crazy happening,studying,etc..
never never been so tired before..physically and mentally..
but i hanged on and survived till now..
am i stronger now..
i guess not..

i act like it wasnt a big deal anymore,when it really still is breaking my heart..
everyday i smile and act like nothing's wrong..
but it's called putting everything aside and simply being strong..
behind my smile is everything you'll never understand,no one truly will..
because up till now,only that ahgong truly made me smile so much more,than anyone else did..

that ahpoh's smile will never be the same and won't have the same meaning anymore..

3 out of 4 papers down..

2011-05-12T00:19:00.002+08:00

finally~
the crazy 3 consecutive papers are over so fast!rly fast!like just zoomed past..
3 out of 4 paper done!

crazy past few days..first 2 papers afternoon papers..still ok..
go home already late..but still need study..then study till 5,wake up 8 continue again..omg..
last paper was morn paper..and previous day still reached home so late le..and my tiredness rly reached the max point,almost 'breaking point' le..
rly felt like giving up since there was so much to cover..but hanged on tight..
noobie said fight till the end..so my fight till the end,is study as much as i can,and just go in and take the paper,no matter what..even though feel so super not prepared..

this exam,really 'breaking record'..
since dont know how long ago,started studying till 5 everyday..
since i always cant drag myself out of bed early..
and then total 10 hrs of slp for 3 days..from sun till today..rly crazy..
bef the first pp was so scared,cant slp..and noobie said she slp so early,and slp so long..so her 1 day+ of slping time was equal to my 3 days of slp!!

rly chiong like crazy,like studying with eyes half opened,and rly like panda,whole area ard eye like rly black..
coffee plus more coffee..though dont rly have much effect on me,it's just the mental thinking tt drink le will be more awake..
and yes i survived through this craziest exam,3 heavy subj,3 consecutive days..
so tired..until almost cant talk properly aft the paper..

haven feel this exhaustion,lack of slp for very long already..
rmb the last time,slping so little..was that time when sch just reopen..
first time talk to that ahgong on ph,till late..nx day still gt sch..
then aft sch still went out w him and go home late..then nx day gt sch again..
so it was ard 8 hrs of slp for 2 days..
but now 10 hrs for 3 days!rly crazy..
thankfully,the last paper is next week!!got time to rest and clear my slp debt..

and joke of the day for tdy..noobie yang..
corp finance pp tdy..to do 4 out of 8 qns..theory or calc type..
difficult paper plus we didnt study finish..
so tough until cant rly complete half of those calc qns..
and so..noobie said she had time to go through and try all the qns..and then settling on tt 4..and then still had half an hr left,nth to do..
macro teacher said before,we cant do a qns halfway and then cancel off and start on another qns,won't have time..
but noobie didnt just do it once!she did it all and still have time left..hahax..
pro noobie!

although done with more than half of the papers..just one more paper to go!
but cant rly feel the excitement..not like how i felt last year,cant wait..
though the remaining of may and beginning of june already lined up for so much outings..still dont rly feel tt 'happy feeling' coming..
esp,the thought of finding work..
rly don't feel like finding work..
rly feel like going back sh to work..
but don't know if i can face them all again,esp o..
it feels so bad,esp when i didnt do anything wrong..why do i have to be scared to go back and face them..
but it's just that feeling..
i know they'll all be reminded of it,if they see me again,back there..

i hate this feeling that everything,all the things that happened,all the outings,all the work experience there..
and from stranger with that ahgong,to a friend,to my ahgong..
this feeling that all the things that happened btw us,just seem like ytd..
all the happy times,all the happiness seem just so 'close',like it wasnt that long ago that i was still so happy,so so happy..
but actually,it should have been quite some time back,going to one year..
happiness dont seem that far away,that long ago..
that ahgong still said before..and i can never forget that sentence..
'i don't want you to be unhappy,i want you to be happy forever..'

and everytime i think of that sentence..my heart feels so pain,and tears inside..
because i keep thinking,that ahgong said that when we were reconsidering,he said how hard the long dist rs will be for us,for me,tts why he dont want me to be unhappy..
he wanted me to be happy forever..
tts why he wanted me to promise to be angry when he neglect me,so that he can 哄 me,and make me happy,and he'll like to do it,he said..
but what has he done all these time..
he never made me happy aft he said that..

instead,just created more and more hurt,and unhappiness..
how can he do that,when he told me that somehow touching sentence..
did it rly come from deep within his heart,did he mean it when he said that..
i dont know,really..
i only know,that all the touching promises and meaningful things he said tt time,tt captured my heart so much,tt gave me so much happiness that time..
have all changed and make me feel more pain now..
should i feel happy that someone said all those stuff to me before..but all the words and promises didnt have time to be fulfilled..
or rather feel that i shd not have heard any of those,because it's causing so much misery and pain now..

it's really so fast,this one year!
still rmb last year,aft exam,dinner outing w sotongs..
went w kengx to lunch w beet,when she was having her internship,in the super crowded raffles place area..
went with kengx to recruit exp..and then got tt sh job..
it just seem like ytd only..
and now,beet going to grad le,some more going her europe grad trip next week!
it seems like ytd when we just grad from cedar!!
but now we're all so near to the end our our study life!

why is happiness so hard to come by..
and when it comes by,why is the happiness so easily gone..
why cant we even grab onto that happiness that we want so much,treasure so much..
the feeling of happiness can grow and grow,easily,day by day..
but who knows,the next moment it'll just be gone,and disappear forever..

end up the great happiness tt u once felt will only become that unbearable pain,that regret that forever stays in your heart..

not ready to leave the memories behind here,yet.

2011-05-05T05:28:00.007+08:00

we're not moving to new house yet..
and also..
dad says we don't have to move out of here yet,don't need to move to another house..

since dad decided to let them extend..
so for awhile,thought we had to move again,since our tenant raise the price so much,again..
in the end,both compromised..

don't know if should be happy or not..
didnt rly want to move to another rental place because it'll be so troublesome and so rushed..
to find a place,and pack all the stuff again..
and then one year later,do it all again..
then it'll be moving house 3 times in 3 years..
luckily we dont have to go through it one more time..
yes,for tt i should be happy..

i think the old contract was supposed to be up till next week..
so by right,we could have move in to new house next week..
but now,we'll just have to stay here for one more year..

for the past few mths,i always thought and looked forward to moving to our new house..
to leave everything behind here..
but then the past few weeks..thought about moving to another rental place..
and didnt like the thoughts..
didnt know how the new place will be like,thought will be not as nice as here now..
and also..i guess i still cant bear to just leave all the memories behind here..
so short time here..1yr+ only..
but yet so much,so much memories here..
this place where i spent one of my happiest time of my life..

this place where there's so much footprints that ahgong left behind,everywhere..
all the memories around..
the drop off below my house..that first time tt ahgong drove me home and dropped me there..
how when i went up,still went to balcony and see him..
and tt blur ahgong was still there looking at his gps figuring his way back home..
the long road,pavement in..how tt ahgong walked me home..and he walked on the road instead,making sure i walk on the pavement..
that bench at the playground..the happiest night,the happiest children's day..
the void deck,where we walked past..where we first held hands..how we fumbled a little..
the lift,where he walked me to and waited for me go up..
the bus stops..that stretch of walkway there..where we waited for taxi..and the things we did there..
everything..all the places..
and in the house..how i quietly sneaked into the house from those late nights out..
my bedroom,my bed,living room,kitchen,balcony..
the places where i always talked to that ahgong on the phone,happily,smiling..just simply hold on to the ph,talking about nth,teasing each other,or just simply hear him sing and play the guitar..

i'm supposed to..
but i just cant bear to let go,cant bear to leave it here and go to a new place yet..

i guess that's one of the main reason why i'm happy with not moving yet..
when i should be dumping them all here..and forget them..
silly me still cant do it yet..
and i'm so scared of that day where we rly move out of here..
thinking of that day now,can feel the pain inside..
for fear that all the happy memories will slowly fade and will rly be left behind and gone forever..
cause i dont want to forget those happy memories..
don't want to forget those memories,as part of my life..
as part of my journey alone now,after that ahgong went on his seperate one now..
when it was supposed to be our long journey,one that we wanted to pei each other and walk together,into the future..

02052011- what could have been our 7th month tgt,on this long journey.

2011-05-02T18:00:00.011+08:00

02052011- what could have been our 7th month together,on this long journey that we wanted to pei each other and walk together..
'Thinking to go to the top with you'..
'To be better and to be well for those that matter.. Faith in ya'..
'Stand by you,take care of you..'
'I'll be faithful to you..'

so many promises made,so much was said,so far ahead we thought,or rather that ahgong..
and yet..
7 months went by,more than half of a year..
almost 6 months living without tt ahgong beside tt ahpoh..
no calls,to hear his voice,to hear him play the guitar,to hear him sing..
no cute silly msges,to put on tt happy smile on me..
no nagging,to ask me to slp early,to ask me eat or drink more water..
nothing at all..
should i be glad that time's passing so fast..and the wound would heal faster..

how,when i still clearly rmb this day 7 months ago..
tt night downstairs..
thinking of it now,all the things we did,still give me goosebumps,and tt pinch in the heart feeling,so sweet..yet it's so pain now..
afternoon,tt ahgong when for family photoshoot,and went for buffet with family..
msged me throughout..
rmb first thing i saw when i woke up,was tt ahgong's cute msg..
saying going to take photo le..
and i just smiled,the first thing i did in the morn..
tt ahgong asked to go out..nagging me must go eat ok..
went home and called..talked awhile..and tt ahgong went to nap..
woke up then called again,complain slp until so hot,sweating..
talked about meeting later and everything..
rmb how i reached and called,and tt ahgong was already there waiting patiently,didnt even tell me he reached..
rmb the place where i saw him..dressed so nicely..and he still asked if he looked ok,nice ma..
rmb the places we went and did..
the first time shopping as a 'couple' somehow in daiso..
can never forget,how we went around,and then when we were queueing..
how we stand on the escalator..
everything..so clearly..
it was the sweetest day ever..
yet it's been 7 months..

today should have been a happy day we can celebrate today..
but now,every day of this month..
i can only look back and see and think of those happy memories we had tgt,tt ahgong looks,those happy smiles we had on our faces,in my head..
how pathetic,how pain..
when that ahgong won't even be thinking of us..

"When you lose someone, someone you love, when they break your heart, it’s the hardest thing you could ever go through, and no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away.
You may think you’re getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in the chest. You fall apart for the hundreth time, and you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
You love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn’t. They hurt you worse than you’ve ever been hurt. They stole your happiness. But yet, you still want them, and only them.
Other people come along and give you chances to move on, but you know you don’t want to. It upsets you that you might be moving on, because you promised you never would. And even if they broke all of their promises, you want to keep yours.
On top of that, you’re terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. But it’s not like that matters anyway.
At the end of the day you’re still thinking about that person who has left you completely broken. You don’t want to miss them anymore. You don’t want to love them anymore, but you know you always will. "

one more week to exams..
hang in there..
and i can finally not act so strong anymore..
feels like i will collapse then..
but i guess,i've become strong enough..

Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.

2011-04-29T23:01:00.013+08:00

Awhile more to go..it's getting tougher and tougher..with so many things..
the stress is crazy..
but hang in there..hang in there..
and then i can be proud to say i survived it..
the toughest lap ever..

Today's the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton..

and i always thought why is that ahgong's name William as well..
when we were tgt,i didnt rly mind..
because it rly made it even more like a dream come true,fate..
when at sotong outing at barrage last yr,sy saw tt screen saver..
and asked who..the rest were shocked smhw and started asking..
when she heard his name is William..
and the first thing she said,was prince william..
jean and o they all gave me tt nick,gongzhu,even before i met him..
and when we started having sth,they also started the prince william thing..
and someone told me before,the meaning of the name sarah..princess..

i rmb the first outing tt ahgong heard them calling me gongzhu..
then the nx day when we were msging,he copied them and called me tt too..
and when we started talking on the ph,he tried to called me so many names,other than ahpoh..and gongzhu was one of it too..
everything and everything made it seem like such a sweet dream coming true..
making me believe in fate..
but now,i wished my name isnt sarah..and his name isnt william..
so tt time i would have been less happy about our meeting,and now,feel less hurt,somehow..
because that dream was so shortlived,and end up turning into my worst nightmare..

but he posted before..
half the day disappeared just like that.it will happen again. That nightmare. That dream.4yrs ain't short.
what did he mean with that..
that nightmare,that dream will happen again??
it wasnt his nightmare,he wasnt hurt..it was mine..
but that dream,he's saying our dream..or rather my dream will happen again?
i always wish and think he's saying about that dream we shared,our dream..
will it rly happen again when things are like this now..
will it rly happen again when he posted that and still did all those stuff..
and i guess my that dream will never be the same anymore..
or rather,maybe i won't believe in dreams anymore..

ytd manman and kengx were saying if they are attached,they wont bring him home so fast..will hide first..
but manman said she'll have difficulty doing it,cux she'll be so guilty infront of parents and may not hide it well..

and i rmb i had difficulty hiding too..
i rmb we keep going out tt time..until i have to come up with silly reasons for going out..
like tt first time tt ahgong asked to go out on tt random night..
it was mooncake festival..
so i told mum going out celeb mooncake festival,play lanterns with office clique..
when actually it was just tt ahgong and we wanted go barrage..
the first time out for movie..i told mum was going to watch this movie w fren,cux lecturer told us to watch..said going to watch wall street,but we actually watched my darling is a foreigner..
then the day we started..met ahgong for late dinner at chomp..
but i told mum going chalet,so i could stay out later..
then ended up mum called me and spoke to me v suspiciously and abit angry telling me to behave myself..
still asked for the chalet num and wanted go..dumbdumb..luckily she didnt..
cause she heard tt it was so quiet when i'm supposed to be at a chalet..
but actually we were sitting at the bench below my house..
then i got so scared,tt we changed bench since from there can see those cars driving in..
and aft tt i still had to msg jean and ask her help me,if my mum ask,tell her i was with her at chalet..
i cant forget tt i told her i was with him..and we gt tgt..
and she replied..congratulations in caps..so happy and excited for me..
and i was smiling looking at her msg..
ended up..

i didnt even got a chance to tell mum properly..tt i'm going out w bf,w tt
ahgong..so i didnt have to come up with silly reasons..
i didnt even got a chance to tell mum who's that 'mm mm' guy she called him,what's his name..
whole family dont know,seems like a dark secret..
even aunt also dont know,not knowing that the 'handsome guy' that i said wanted to slowly find..was actually refering to tt ahgong bf..

thought of what tt ahgong said of not bringing parents in first..
and i didnt mind..
even though mum and aunt were suspecting..esp when mum always see me on the ph w him..
it was quite 'fun' actually for them to suspect like this..and i was so happy infront of them everyday,denying when they asked..
and i thought aft some time,then i can give them a surprise..
just bringing tt ahgong go grandma house for dinner one random day and i cant imagine their reactions..
but i know they'll all be happy and plesased to see him,tt ahgong..
i was really looking forward to that day,but it never got to happen..
we didnt even come close..
i also thought how it'll be like when i see his parents..when he asked me smhw,saying they're so strict,how..
so so far away from all those thoughts..
just so silly to have thought so much so fast..
when i thought that ahgong thought further..

just saw tt ahgong commenting on sth..and he repeated his words..
like dunno dunno..
and i rmb i used to repeat my words when i talked to him on the ph..
and tt ahgong would always tease me about it..
but aft some time he also did that..and i teased him back..
like tt random night he asked,u free u free u free..??
and i replied with repeated words also..
sometimes i'm reminded of these memories,i can still smile at it,how happy i was..
feeling that i was really lucky..
but sometimes,crazy tears inside..
because of how much i miss those times,miss that ahgong..
because of how i think of why things are different now and that nightmare..

auntie vic told me she read my post and teared..
saying she know going places tt we've been there tgt will remind me of the things..
how she feel the same way too because of her incident..and it's already hurting her so much,when it's just friendship..and mine is..
she still said think he's ben xing isnt bad..
i always thought he cant be tt bad a guy inside..because of so many things..
so izzit like what others say,that he just want to play at this age,now..
cux it seems like he was playing w her,maybe..
playing me also..??it didnt seem like..if not he rly wont have to go to the extent to think so much,ask so much,so stressed about it..and..but i rly dunno..

and i thought i didnt have to go to places to be reminded,because we started below my house,and he walked me home also..and everytime i walk by tt bench,those places..
tt pain in the heart is just so crazy..
and next time when i move to chomp..
those happy happy memories there..
the unforgettable bus ride..
esp rmb how we crossed the road..tt ahgong so careful,bringing tt ahpoh..
the table we sat at,those food we shared..looking at tt ahgong hungrily eating,wanting to feed me his noodles,helping me finish up my drink..
those images are still in my head,clearly..
what am i going to do,when i move there next time..
and will always have to take that bus we took tgt..

and i replied auntie vic..saying her msg made me teared..so funny..hahax..
because i thought now at least someone who have been thru something similar..
can rly rly understand how it feels,how pain it is..
because my frens around me mostly arent attached,and never went thru things like this,be it,for friendship or love..
so that time i always thought they must have think that i'm so silly and dumb to be so affected and everything..
they say they know how it feels like,maybe they do,can imagine the pain..
but i guess one rly have to go through it to rly rly undstd..

auntie vic,i know you have a scar inside too..
and i guess it is almost as bad as mine..
but we can do it tgt..slowly..=)

girls are like apples on tree..

2011-04-29T03:57:00.012+08:00

ytd corp finance teacher said..
just take one big step and you'll be out of the mud..leave it behind..

and i thought it sounds so meaningful,but it only it's so easy..
if we got into the mud..
if only we can just go home and bathe..and everything will be like as before..
nothing changes..no damage is done,because we'll still look the same again..
or can even look fresher,better,stronger,happier than before..
when it may all just be a facade,to protect ourself..
not no damage but rather,the damage done isnt just on the outside,not just sth so simple about getting dirty with mud..
it's deep inside..not visible at all..
and no one knows,no one can see,how deep the scar really is..
no can feel the pain..
even i also don't know how deep it rly is..
i just know it's badly scarred..
so deeply scarred..
because up till now,it still hurts,can still feel the pain inside..

cf teacher is such a good teacher..
always putting in so much,finding ways to teach us better,teaching us to the best he can..
he's naggy,always nagging,repeating,but he rly just want us to learn better..
not just teaching us what's in the notes..
but also,telling us how to study better,telling us about life..
motivating us somehow,telling us many meaningful things,to teach us,to walk a better path in our lives..

i rmb the first lesson,he was rly fierce and not v nice..
then the second lesson was cancelled because he got really sick..
rmb was out with ahgong tt day aft sch,and got tt sch msg saying his lecture tml will be cancelled..
and was so happy..not knowing that he actually was in quite a serious condition..
when he came back,he told us what happened..like he was driving on the way home..
then felt breathless and almost couldnt drive properly and stuff and it seems quite bad..
and he had to stay in hospital for observation..
since then,it seems like his attitude changed..
i dunno if i'm too sensitive or wad..but just felt that he did change somehow..
and from then on,at the end of the lect,he'll always say take care,be well,have a safe journey home..
even though the rest of the class doesnt rly seem to listen,just packing their stuff..
but i always looked at him saying that..
won't forget him as my teacher and won't forget all the meaningful things he said,taught us..
hope that he'll be well and continue to be healthy also..

dinner w kengx and gang before exams are here..
and we were talking..
kengx talking about the guy and the girl in her clique..
talked alot..
and then manman was asking why does it seem so easy for others to get attached..
and she was thinking about the theory of the apple tree that beet told us that time..
it says..

"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.So the apples at the
top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave
enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. "

she was thinking,if we rly are those apples on top of the tree..
frens around arent bad girls,like those rotten apples,but they are happily attached with good guys..
then why are those 'rotten apples' so easily picked up,attached time after time..
so where exactly are we on the apple tree..or does that theory really hold..
are we apples..or other fruits??

beet was saying we're all just waiting for tt one day to come,and we'll meet that person..
wait and that day will come..
manman says why their wait so fast,so easy..
why is it so different from us..
beet and kengx believe so much in waiting..
and that the day will really come..and that person is somewhere out there..
just tt our wait will be longer and it'll be good..
it's rly about waiting long long,and it'll be ok..
both kengx and beet believe in it so much..
only manman and me..

i used to believe that if we wait..
one day,we'll meet that one impt person of our life..
esp when i met that ahgong,i really thought and believed that waiting will rly payoff..
esp when we werent even tgt yet,but the ahgong was thinking about it so seriously and asked if i would wait for him,4 yrs later,if he had to continue to work there aft he grad..and he seemed to see and want that ahpoh in his future,even 4 years later..
and because of that and our 'accidental meeting'..
i thought there was rly such a thing called fate,and that ahgong will be the one,and my waiting rly was worth it,and it paid off..
because it was like a dream come true..something that i wanted,was waiting for..
because i believed in it so much,and it rly happened..
because i waited,and i met that ahgong..
and meeting that ahgong was the best thing that happened to that ahpoh..
but what happened..
and the bad things seem so much more for me to handle..

and now,i just choose not to believe in it anymore..
not to believe in anything anymore..
because it isnt true..
and because i believed so much,that's why it hurts even more,when it didnt turn out to be what we thought will be..

bye minnie..last lesson for year 2..

2011-04-27T23:18:00.010+08:00

dearest hamster minnie left us on monday..25/04/11..
she's only been with us for like less than 3 months..

don't know why so sudden..
when she was still ok,happily running around,eating so much and playing with us..
last week still put her on the floor tgt w mickey,and aunt's rabbit..
and she was the smallest,yet she wasnt afraid of them..still tried to 'squeeze' mickey..and still ate the food with them,and abit ice cream..

still gave her carrots that day morn,saw her lying there so guai,resting..
if not,normally always like to run around,climb here and there..
and i just looked at her,her tiny body,and could see her heartbeats..
and was still thinking,so amazing,such a little thing,how small would their heart be..
how would i know her resting there would have indicated that maybe something was wrong already..
i should have carried her,for the last time..=(
then at night,we were all shocked..
bro still thought she was slping,and cant believe it..
seems like her body was like tensed up,like she went in pain..
haix..
guess she must have been sick or what,but we all didnt know..

that day i still called her wrongly,called her orhorh..missing orhorh..
aunt still always saying why she wont grow fat..
but we always say she eat alot leh..thought it'll be fine..
who knows all those may be signs..
haix..poor little minnie..
that naughty little girl,always trying to stand up and want to grab and play with our fingers when we want to carry her..and also almost always want to bite..
rmb dad still played w her and she still bite dad's finger so hard,was dangling there..

byebye minnie..
missing orhorh and minnie..

27/04/11 -
today is the last day of lessons for year 2..
so fast..very very very fast..
and exams in less than 2 weeks time..
really really really tired already..
never feel so tired before..
and rly such a big barrier to cross,to overcome..

it seems like ytd when sch just started after the long hols..
and this last day,i cant help but rmb how the first day of year 2 started off..so happily..
sch started on 21/09/10,a tuesday..

the day before sch reopen last year,o was still trying to ask us out,for movie,go out,w ahgong,and gallan..the 4 of us..
didnt want to go bec mum wasnt v happy..and told tt ahgong we shd ps them and let them 2 go 'pa toh' on their own..
ended up tt ahgong pao toh me..and then still dare to msg and say he pao toh me..
and called..and i told him later o will scold me le,why he go tell her what i say..
and he still say nvm,will help me,'protect' me,and talk to o..
that ahgong was trying so hard to persuade me go also..and he just ended work..
said will go home first,then we go tgt..

but ended up,he reached home and msged..said was pissed by his mum,don't want go le..
the first time i saw that ahgong so angry somehow,scared,didnt know what to do..
msg ask him eat choc,send him his tt pic,etc..trying to cheer him up..
even gallan was saying he rly like so pissed..
so end up 2 of them went on their own..
we msged..
then becux of somethings i said..
he suddenly called in the middle of the night when i was about to slp..
and i got a shock..
the first time somehow we started to talk about random stuff..so late at night..
and i ended up cannot go back to slp when there's sch early next day..

rmb first day's lessons..got so much notes..
but after sch still carry them all and went to collect F1 tics w noobie..
and tt ahgong was msging whether want to go out or not with them..
aft work,o called and ended up unhappy again,bec i didnt want to go again..
tried calling her,didnt pick up and ahgong also..
thought he was angry too,but ended up he was talking to mum..
in the end,decided to go..and i was glad i went that day..
because it was one of the best days we spent tgt..

doing so many things..just us,when they ps-ed us..
still rmb tt ahgong was asking when i told him i went to get F1 tics..
still ask who i go with to take,go watch w who,bf or wad..asking so much..
tt first htht,the stairs at the merlion..
first time tt ahgong opened up..and got to know so much..when we weren't rly tt close..
so many things we did..so close..
esp cant forget how we walk in the middle of tt f1 track,stucked inside,surrounded by those fences..walking in rounds..
and all those strong lightings..such an experience..
if only i took a pic..

those empty streets,just us..
and tt ahgong keep asking if i'm tired..
can never forget tt day..
it was like only the 2nd or 3rd time we went out tgt..
but tt ahgong still pei me talk on the phone on the way home..
bec i didnt want him to share taxi w me..
talk as if we knew for v long..when in fact,such a short short time only..
tt 'connection','no distance' smhw,so weird..

when we were home,still msg,and both of us were hungry..
talked about wanting to cook maggi,but cant,must control..
went home so late,when still had sch the next day..

and bec of tt day,my status,was it just a dream..
and he also ended up posting stuff..
in btw we didnt msg or what..but 2 days later..
he msged to go out,not with them,just u and me,he said..
still rmb tt day jean was asking,if we had anything,or what,wait and see..
then he suddenly msged..wanted go barrage..
then i replied jean,don't need wait and see le,he just msged..

from that day,the start of the talking on the phone everyday..
and that first day,already on phone so long..
we on and off was on the ph for 3hrs+??him ordering mac?
and he still simply sang and played guitar..
that guan huai fang shi song i can never forget,the best i heard..

and the subsequent outings..tt first time out,just us,aft sch..
him msging when just woke up,and rmb the stuff he said,asking what to wear,if i was excited,etc,just made me smile looking at the msges,in the middle of the lecture..
jean msging asking me how i was feeling,scared or not,say will 'pei' me,by msging me..
ask me if i got wear nice nice or what..
and that particular moment i got off the bus,then i was facing noobie..
and she pointed behind me and ask if tt's him..then i turn around and saw tt ahgong..in white..
i can never forget tt moment..i don't know why..
everything and everything..

aft tt day out,then jean was so excited and asking me what we did..
nx day at sch,noobie was also asking..
and i was so happy..

year 2 started off to seem so perfect,so happy..
but what has happened now..totally opposite..
i still find those smiles so fake..
smiling for the sake of smiling,infront of friends..
so that they all think it's all gone already..
so fake until i really don't know how it was like to have a genuine smile,last time..
so tired..

and on fb just now,still saw my fren's previous status updates at the side..the status from last year..talking about meeting up..
and my fren so excited,happily commented saying will dig out all the info from me,about us,about that ahgong..

and i thought,how pathetic it was..
because i didnt even really got a chance to tell them about us,how we met,how we started and stuff..
i only rmb after thinking very long,to tell one fren online..
and she was so excited,happy..
still saying,they were right to always say,i'll be the first to be attached among us..
still tell me not to tell the other fren first,must tell face to face,so that she can see her expression..
i thought of wanting to see her expression too,wanted so much to tell them face to face about everything also..but ended up,i never got the chance to..
they knew abit somehow,when i told them we were rethinking again..
but all said he's a good guy to think so much,it'll be ok..

ended up,i didnt rly get to tell them our story..
didnt get to tell them all the little little things tt ahgong did,that meant so much to that ahpoh..
instead,they only got to hear of all the 'bad things' that happened..
such a drastic change..
their first impression of such a good and sweet guy,hearing the things he did,saying i so lucky,jealous,also want get bf le..
but it all totally changed..
so happy for me,and then so worried for me..

it's been more than 6 months already..so fast..
what a journey..how long i've come..been through..
yes,i havent totally get over it..
i know because it's still affecting me when she tells me stuff..
it's so hard..
but i'm still smhw back to my norm life already..
but just that each and everyday,i still have to fight so hard..
to not think of that ahgong,esp during this exam period..
but everyday i fail terribly..
and i hate myself..for thinking of him,missing him,still..
dumb dumb..
and yes,like what he said..
or rather did he used what i told him..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

no one knows how bad it feels like missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..and esp when tt person is actually a big big baddie in everyone's eyes..how it feels like to know you're missing someone like that..but you just cant help it..how it feels like to seem so silly,if others know you're still thinking and missing him..

but that ahpoh just cant help it,cant control..
it's so so hard..
to not think,miss that ahgong,much less forgetting totally..

what a crazy journey,crazy and toughest part of my life..
so tired..
for trying so hard..to fight this..

silly.

2011-04-25T04:26:00.003+08:00

a random thought popped up that day..
and i thought how stupid,dumb i am..
i thought back..
and rmb those guys tt almost became as impt as tt ahgong,to me..
but i just let them slip away,one after another,for some reason or other..
one,my fren didnt rly like him,and even thought he wasnt rly a gd guy..
bt ended up,he is a gd guy..
those i thought for so long,or didnt choose,run away,and ended up slip away..
ended up,they were all good guys and seems like almost all are happily attached..
and i thought it was so funny,so silly of me,that i didnt choose them,those 'good guys'..
and then spending so long,trying to get over the last,wanted to slowly find,wait..
and i ended up meeting that ahgong,finding that ahgong..
but end up he's the 'bad guy',everyone thinks..
and i guess,they all think,the worst one can be with seeing what he did..
after such a long time,i actually chose such a 'bad guy',they all feel,see..??
how dumb can i get,really..
was that what i deserved..

when i really thought slowly,waiting would somehow be worthwile in the end..
but ended up choosing a 'bad guy'..
but still,yes the wait was worthwile..
because it was tt ahgong that i met..
maybe if it was someone else,and all those happened,i wouldnt think its worthwile..
but because of that ahgong..
that became so impt,so special,to that ahpoh..
that made it worthwhile..

fragility and complexity of life.

2011-04-17T05:12:00.010+08:00

it's not nice to wake up everyday and the first thing in ur mind is about studying..
keep thinking about studying when i'm doing other stuff,but when i'm rly sitting there studying..
end up getting restless so fast,and absorb so little,so slowly..
dumb dumb me..

this year subj are so much more crazier than last year..
so much so much of content..and crazy maths,formulas..
hate corp finance!
all just based on estimations..assumptions,assumptions and assumptions..
and i thought back last year,did we started so early on revision..
like 2 mths before??
and i can't rly rmb,but i guess we didnt..
and thinking back,it seems like last year subj were rly easy..
if only this year's too..

went for shing's dad funeral tt day..
so tired from sch but so worried and just wanted to see her and see how she was..
and when we reached..really shocked by her..
so so so strong..no tears,no saddness on her face..
still smiling when she saw us..talked and joked..
i saw her and really felt so xin tong for her..
holding her hands,pat,hug her,but ended up i was the useless one tt almost cried..
because of how she kept smiling and saying i'm ok,i'm ok..
and still pat me back instead..
saw daddy chan,and he rly lost alot weight and looked like he suffered alot the past few months..and seeing him i wonder how sotong went through it all..
it was really hard for her..

i know she wasn't that ok..from all the things she say in the msges..
act so stong infront of me also,but her msges say a diff thing..
she was putting up such a strong front..infront of everybody..
and rly hurts to see her having to be like that..
because i guess others don't know what she was rly thinking inside..
thinking she's rly so strong,and can do it..
but in actual fact,she got so much things inside her,thinking and thinking..
till she cant concentrate studying..don't know what to do..
seeing her mum sorting out pics crying..
she feels so xin tong and don't know whether she should pei her more or cont to study for the exam in just 2 weeks..her final yr exams..
haix..and we cant do anything..except for comforting and talking to her..
this is really her fight now..
and we'll all be behind her..
jiayous my dearest sotong chan..
and rip,dearest sotong chan's daddy..
we'll help u look after her also,dont worry,an xin ba..

3 more weeks to exams..and it's so fast..
seems like ytd when we just took our exams last year..
finish exams and started looking for jobs..
rmb after my last pp,still met sotong chan and pei her do manicure and dinner..
one year ago she was still the happy happy shing ee..
and never would have expected that one year later this have to happen to her..
and her 21st bday celeb in sept..seeing her with family so happy..
who would have known tt in dec they would get the worst news ever..
the unpredictability and fragility of life..
and i'm so scared to think,what will happen when my closed ones leave me too..
so scared of tt day..and never ever want it to come..
because i know i'm not as strong as sotong chan..
why is life so unpredictable,so short,so fragile..
and the thought is rly scary..
still enjoying family times,and now treasuring it even more..

the sec day left the funeral late,and miss the sec bus..
and i decided to walk home from hougang mrt..
crazy one hour walk,in the middle of the night..
thinking through so much things..
taking a breather from the extreme stress..
walked pass tt flyover to kovan..
and had to think of tt ahgong,how he drove the wrong way,and went up the flyover instead of the other way,and ended up going one round to send me home..
i hate to rmb..

i hate the thought tt aft exams have to start looking for jobs already..
because it'll again just remind me of last year and all the things at sh..
i thought of the diff jobs i could have chosen instead..
if i had chosen them,then maybe i wouldnt have gone through such a crazy and tiring past few months..
why did i choose the job at sh,if not i would not have suffered so much..
or should i be happy,lucky tt i chose tt job..
if not i never would have met tt ahgong..and had the happiest and greatest time..
the past few mths was tiring,crazy,but quite a learning experience too..

since before prelims was already very stressed and so much things happened that added on to it..and felt so bad..
up till now,i still havent talked to olivia..haven say sry to her..
don't want to msg her during this exam period,bec i dun wan to see her replies..
so scared of her replies..
don't want to get even more stressed or get unhappy or wad..
don't want to be affected by anything right now,so i can only choose to escape..
but every single day,i have to keep thinking sbout it all..
and it's rly taking a toll on me..how long it have been w me already..
the thought everyday..for the past few months..i havent have a good talk w her..
i havent say sorry to her..even though i didnt do anything wrong..
it just feels so bad..
seeing the things she posts,seems like saying us,i guess she must be thinking it doesnt matter to me,doesnt affect me at all..when it bothers me every single day..
doesnt matter,i can be the 'bad guy' for now..
and yes,so many things bothering me,worried about this and that..worried about shing,then vic,then jean..omg..

so tired of how life really is..
tired from all the happenings..
not just my own,but also from friends around me..
not tired from hearing it from them,but rather,tired to hear of how this life is really like,think of why must life be like this..this crazy world..
the cruel world..the evil world..the unfair world..?
why is the world such a complicated one..
when all we want is just a simple and happy life..
and our lives have always been so simple,so easy..
why is something so simple,so hard to achieve..

my crazy happenings,then sotong shing,then auntie vic also went through a great deal..and jean in beijing also..
why such a 'happening' time..of our lives..and all at the same time..
really draining,tired of this crazy life..
tired of how this life is bec,auntie vic went through sth so similar also..
and get to see the ugly side of ppl,even those whom u are so close to,or anyone around u that u least expected them to be like that..
and i just cant believe..that it happened to me,and to auntie vic also..
and that there rly are so many ppl so 'fake'..
it's so crazy or rather scary..
and makes us wonder how can they be like this..
what do they stand to gain from all their actions..
from their backstabbing,their selfish acts??
the complexity of life and people..
or is it that we're too simple minded,naive,too trusting..
so,we all went through a valuable lesson..

and yes,she have been still msging me from time to time to ask how am i,asked about my bkk trip,her sch,chat abit,etc..
somehow rly like friends..close friends??
and i always wonder,how do i talk to her..
can she be a fren or shd be someone i hate..
can i rly forgive her..i don't know..
i just msg her and not think of those..
and i got to know so much more stuff from her each time..

i always wanted to go back to sh and work again..
but now i really dunno if i can..
i always thought only two friends should know maybe there was sth btw tt ahgong and me..and maybe don't know what happened after i left..
one of them was trying to bring us tgt..and the other saw hw tt ahgong called me to want to join us..and when he got off first,still msged to say worry we get lost and asked me to msg him when home..
and maybe one or two other guessing,when they saw us leaving tgt at the 2 outings..
i thought that was all they will know,then ok..
but ended up,almost the whole big grp,dept clique know almost everything!
first i couldnt face olivia,then now,i rly dunno how to face them all..
feel so embarrased..
how to go back..and i rly miss those times there with them..
how we all slowly,one by one cliqued and became a bigger and bigger group..
and started having those late night outings tgt..
thought and looked forward to more to come..but ended up..i cant join them..
and they are all still having those outings now..
and tt couple,that tt ahgong and me joked saying we end up faster than them,is still happily tgt..

should i feel happy or what..because they all ended up outcasting her and tt ahgong..
when they somehow got to know what happened..
she said they shd have thought she interfered in our rs..tt's why..
they stopped toking to them,stopped asking them out to outings..
i feel so bad,for tt ahgong..because if they didnt know we had sth,then when they saw them or what,then they wouldnt have outcast them..
she said everyone told her to choose the other guy instead of tt ahgong..
because they said they werent compatible..
i feel so bad,because tt ahgong was like so close to tt guy who tried to helped us,close to others too..
i thought of how tt ahgong would have felt tt time when they all outcast them..
i thought of the other fren who know,ll,i wonder what she's thinking when she saw how he seemed to change so much tt time??
tt ahgong who asked me to go w him to shop for her bday present..
tt changed to someone she outcasted..
how would she think,if she knew how tt ahgong was thinking,deciding so hard and asking my opinion on what to buy for her..
how and what was she thinking,to see this great change in him..??
or maybe she didnt rly know him well then..

she said she chose tt ahgong because tt ahgong was better at playing the field??
and it was more exciting to make a 'wrong' decision??
and yes,because of tt and the things he hide from her..??she's sorry,not knowing that she robbed so much happiness from me,she said..
and that she regrets so much now,for not choosing the other guy instead..
and misses him so much now,thinking what to do..
and i can actually talk to her,and tell her if she rly likes him,then explain things to him,etc..
and up till now,she's still saying how much she hates that ahgong,and still rly wants revenge on him..
haix..
can revenge turn back time,can it change things..
if only it can..

all the things she said always make me ponder so much..
but i have no time to rly think about it now..
i guess maybe later..then think through everything..
bec of what happened to auntie vic,i rly dont know what to do also..
and she still refuses to believe her..

but i guess long time ago,it wasnt rly impt anymore whether i believed her or not..
because it rly became like a joke to me,that it rly didnt seem to 'affect me' anymore,somehow..
ytd during lect,i drift off abit..and suddenly,thought back and it all rly seemed like a dream,really..
really like it didnt happened..really felt like a long dream..
feels so weird..
and i have to ask myself,did it rly rly happened before..
or maybe time is just making it blurry??that it seemed like a dream..
and maybe soon enough,i will rly take it as a dream??it was never a reality..??
a dream,the sweetest dream coming true..minus off the nightmare at the end..
was the best thing that happened to that ahpoh..
what i told him in the email..

when he was sick tt time,wanted to email him and ask how is he,but was so busy w prelims..so pushed it back..
and i told him some things he asked before,bt i didnt ans,if not i would never ever get a chance to tell him anymore..
and i said..
but having a eyecandy becoming a bf even if it was for a few hours,or one day..was the best thing that ever happened to that ahpoh..

and a few hours after i sent tt email..he posted..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

him understanding what i'm feeling..??or is it how he's feeling towards his 2nd..

she knew i sent him tt email..
she talked to him and even tried to ask if he checked his mails..
but she said he havent check his mails for v long..and tt he gt a test the nx day,but he'll read it..

exact same words??such coincidence yet again..
and not just tt status..the nx few days,he still posted a disneyland video..
and in the email,i told him about what i actually thought of doing w tt ahgong tt time..
when tt ahgong said he wanted go bali and asked me go w him,i thought of wanting him to go w me to disneyland too..

not one,but two times this time..
and yet,he said,he havent check his emails for very long already..

so,we were thinking the same things??so coincident,that we thought of the same words,in just a few hours diff..
is there such things as 心有灵犀..so dumb..

and the other time,those 2 status he posted and then deleted..
and so many other statuses..

so dumb to 'think alike'..
i hate it..
but..i don't know..

so tired,really..
the little long needed getaway to bkk,wasnt enough..

R.I.P,dearest sotong shing's dad..

2011-04-12T01:26:00.003+08:00

never felt so helpless before,really..
never been in such a situation before,want so much to do sth,to help sotong shing..
but there's nth much we can do except to send her those msges,and trying to comfort her as much as we can..

knew he was in a critical condition already..and when i see shing's msg coming in..
i was rly scared..and when i read it..my heart really sanked..
it was already so hard for me to accept what i read..
cant imagine how pain and hard it would be for shing to accept it..

so xin tong for her..can feel her pain too..and tears welled..
because i can never imagine myself in her situation..
will never be as strong as she is..
but we all know,she have had a hard time these few months..
acting so strong infront of us and esp those who don't know anything..
putting up such a strong front,for her dad,for her mum..
can see her smiles and everything changed..
and up till now,not all sotongs know what happened..only 3 of us know..
and we really don't know how to help her..but to msg her and wait for her replies..

everytime asking her how is she and her dad..and she'll always say she's fine..
and she'll talk about her dad..
how he seem to be already counting his days..
how these few days he've been not rly conscious,and talking and behaving weirdly..
and all the things i hear her say,can really feel her pain and her helplessness..
she wants so much to do something,but cant..
telling me how the house seems so big and empty bec dad n mum are not around..
and i can only pray for her and tell her to stay strong,be postive for him..tell him not to think so negatively..

she said just didnt want dad to undergo anymore pain..he's so weak now,so kelian..
and she asked why is life so unfair..telling me life sucks,rly suck..
saying sometimes only when u are about to lose sth then u will learn to treasure..hao she bu de..she said..
and it's rly so xin tong to hear tt..

yes,why is life so unfair..
why must this happen to them so suddenly..and make them totally lost..
rmb hearing sotong chan talking on the ph w mum and dad,so happily,them asking her about supper,waiting for her to go home..and her calling them nicknames..
such a happy family,why must god let this happen to them and break them up..
dearest sotong going to grad soon le..and her dad cant even get to see it..and be proud of her and enjoy life a little..why is god so cruel..
last year end they just found out and they already couldnt do much,and this day their worst nightmare happened..
it all happened so quickly..the fragility of life..

know poor sotong rly suffered alot these past few months..
hanging on so tightly,strongly..
and throughout we could only say the same things to her..
and auntie vic and i don't know sigh-ed for how many times already,for being so helpess..cant help her remove any pain..
she's rly strong and wish she'll be even stronger for the journey ahead..cause it'll be tough..
so strong,she even told me,aft everything is settled..ask me pei her go buy swimsuit..and go jurong swimming pool play..
haix..
hate this feeling..

i wish life will be better for them,for their long journey ahead..

worried sick.

2011-02-24T05:23:00.002+08:00

cathay cinema.just go with it.
whole day out w auntie vic.
and now to chiong all the way for prelims.till late nights like this.

lunch.movie.planning for her post cambo excursion.shop.dinner.
gluttonny day..
exact same amt,57.70 for this dinner and our last jap dinner..
and ytd sotong dinner was 57 too..
ytd sotong dinner at buangkok..
first time there..
and i thought of how that ahgong got lost there,before meeting me tt time..
blur ahgong still had to use gps and dun even noe how to spell..spelt it as bung kok..

that ahgong is sick again.and i'm so worried for someone everybody thinks is not worth it..
what am i doing..
the last 3 times i was there w u somehow..but now i cant do anything??
and i shouldnt be worrying for that ahgong in the first place..he should have been long gone..
but i just cant help it..
tt ahgong is forever getting sick..
tt ahgong who got mc twice just within 2 weeks..
and the last time u were sick..u looked so bad,still lost 5kg..
all those times u were sick,i was there with you somehow..

the first time when we werent tt close yet..u gt mc,didnt go to work..
but o asked u out,and we all still went movies..
and i still teased u,why sick can still go out..
u were sick and wanted lemon bitters soda,but they gave u victorian bitter beer..
sick still hanged out till late and drove me home..
and still carried my bag and showed me that gay catwalk..

the second time when i went back office..
they all wanted order koi,wanted order for u,o said ur stomach nt feeling well..dont give u drink..
and the next day,u rly gt sick,left work halfway to go see doc and go home..
wanted dabao for u..but u said dun go all the way..
sick but still pei me talk on phone on bus,mrt..
sick but still dun wan rest,ask to promise to talk again at night..
and when late le i didnt msg or call..that ahgong msg and ask if i sleep le..and we still talked..

the next day still mc..
complain about staying home w mc on sun..
want eat ice cream..too long without ice cream..
want go coffee bean,dont like stay home..ask me go,say why i stay so far..
still say gt f1 then very few ppl de..
and that ahpoh nagged..
and that ahgong went home aft dinner w family..
still say v guai,listen to me..then still say i naggy..
say medicine not nice to eat..like a small kid..
msg whole day..till night and again waiting to talk..
hang up le..still dun wan slp..still msg..
until that ahgong say can feel the drowsy effect le..

the third time..
was at ahgong house..
dabao for him..
and saw how weak he looked..
and how he went to weigh and lost 5kg..
so much medicine..and i nagged and ask him to rmb to eat..

all those times..so many times u were sick in such a short time..
that ahpoh was w that ahgong,to remind him to eat medicine..
ask him rest more..dun eat ice cream,dun order macs in the middle of the night,etc..
to just nag at the ahgong..pei him talk on the ph..
and even though the ahgong said ahpoh was naggy..
he still listened..
and i could check on him..msg him and ask or wad..ask him not to eat oily food..
but now..what can i do..
and i cant help but to worry so much..
esp when he's alone overseas..
so worried..
esp when he always get sick so easily..
that ahgong who said i dunno hw to take care of myself..
but end up is him..who's always sick..

why cant it be like last time..
and i can talk to him and see how is he..

i hate this feeling..of worrying and not knowing..??

yes..
my memory is so good..
not for everything..
just because it's between that ahgong and ahpoh..
because it really meant so much to that ahpoh..

how i wish it's true.think to cfm??

2011-02-19T03:19:00.014+08:00

I'm moving on!!
This is the only place left where i can not be my 'normal self',can not be that me infront of friends,now..
where i can not be so tired from that facade,still..
and you have to scold me for being childish??

that me,that i find it so fake day after day..faking,smiling more and more..
because i know i need a longer time..
that strong looking me infront of friends,isnt that strong at all..
esp going through silly things time aft time..
and this time is the craziest,how everything all turns out,and because i guess i like that ahgong too much le..
even though i'm slowly back to leading my used to be life,my normal life,without that ahgong..
i know it'll be inside still,that ahgong will still be inside still..how i wish tt ahpoh is too..
just like what i told her,it isnt really about not moving on,but rather missing that ahgong so much,those days,so much happy moments we spent tgt..
so short,but it was the best,sweetest time i've been through,yet,treasuring so much,and that ahgong wont know..
it's just about the thought of cant let that ahgong go,and disappear from my life forever..
each and every moments i still rmb so clearly..

and that girl telling me things,talking..
i cant believe how we end up msging..
aft tt day she pass me the book..
how she said i lost alot weight..
and i said thanks to tt ahgong..?and her maybe?
dunno how we ended up discussing whether she should go aust study or in spore..
how she got so angry and scolding tt ahgong like crazy,scolding all sorts of stuff..
and said she wanted go over there for revenge on tt ahgong,or even ask someone go murder him..omg..

i even told her not to choose aust just becux u want to 'seek revenge'..
still told her there are so many things to consider..
talking as though we're like bff like what my friends are saying,laughing at it..
when we're supposed to be 'enemies/rivals'??
or rather i shd be hating her,but how do i manage to talk to her still??
that day she said she was so pissed when she talked to him..
because of what tt ahgong said of her..
she still said she rly wanted to suicide..
saying how she cant see the light at the end of the tunnel,her sch,and everything is screwed..
and that ahgong made her even more angry..
i was so scared..and was replying so quickly to ask her not to think of suicide..
comforting her somehow,saying since she say how tt ahgong's not worth..
then why do such a thing..it's not the end..telling her about the hut story,the smoke signal is out,and hope is coming..
or even,saying maybe tt ahgong was angry too,tts why he said such things..
then how she said tt ahgong sounded so calm..
i dunno..but the things is,just cant believe i can actually go comfort her,and 'counsel' her..
omg..still msg till late..like bff..

at the beginning,still rmb how i first know her in office..
how she just started work and was double banking w my fren,listening to his ph calls,beside me..
tt day,there was some buffet,and my fren and i heard about it,but cant go down to get those food..
and she offered to go take for us..
then aft tt,rmb seeing her ard,in toilet,and still asked her how's work..how she smhw nt used?
and i rmb telling her,aft some time it'll be ok..
we werent tt close..
jean and o were closer to her..
then rmb it was at the macs party,we talked more..jean,o and us were talking..
then i thought she seem quite nice,would be a good fren,can go out more and stuff..
little did i know that she'll end up doing all these to me and smhw hurt me so much..

even though she say it's tt ahgong tt went crazily after her,and she rejected him alot times..
because she said she didnt feel special,becux she saw how tt ahgong treated me and was envious of me,she said.
bt becux of how tt ahgong ended up like begging her,she thought he was rly serious,tt's why she accepted it..
she said she like the other guy also,but because tt ahgong was better playing at field..thats why she chose him..
how she told me she didnt listen to voices in her head,becux making the wrong choice,seem more exciting??omg..
by right she isnt in any wrong??since it was tt ahgong aft her?

but up till now,none of my friends believe her story,her whole story,and her even getting pregnant??
i'm the only one to believe her story!!

and i keep asking my friends why they dont believe..
i say it's so real,sound so true..but they all find it so ridiculous..
yes, trust needs to be earned not given just like that..to someone like her..
i haven't know her long enough to give her so much trust and believe her so much..
but the way she told me her story,everything and everything sounds so true..
and she rly sound so sincere..
or is she too'kind',trying too hard,my friends say..
if it's not true,how does she come up with such a big and crazy story??
yes,there are loopholes in btw,we think..
but it all sounds too true..

they all want me to ask that ahgong,cause they just dont believe her story..want me to see the real her??
want me to ask about whether it is true about her getting pregnant??
and all so curious about his ans..
and i asked,what am i supposed to ask..how am i to ask it,how am i to cfm her story??
i said,that ahgong would just answer,yes,he thought he was going to be a father at sm point in time??
omg.i cant imagine,i don't want to see what that ahgong will answer.

i believe her story.
thats it i guess??

funny,if i believe her story..
just like what she wanted me to do,i should be hating that ahgong,and see how tt ahgong is rly like..
but i'm not doing it..or rather cant..
cause i didnt see it,and i don't want to see it, or know it..
i just believe that ahgong i saw..
and accept that we both saw different him..

and i guess i should be happy i saw a better him??
how he seem to treat me better??
how she said,what he did to her,treated her were all very material,superficial??
all the little little sweet things the ahgong did to me,she said he didnt do..
they never always talk late on ph..he always fall alsp?nv talk on her way home..?
so many things she said he didnt do,and she envied so much..

that him she was with wasnt so sweet,so gentle,so attentive and thoughtful,just so material,she said.
still said she didnt feel magical when she was his gf,how he talk to her like a friend,just felt like she was his friend..
that's why she said she know they cant be lovers..
said maybe because she was playing the field too,didnt want a rs,tts why tt ahgong wanted her??
i really wonder,if tt ahgong rly didnt treat her well..why didnt he,when he wanted her so much..crazily aft her??
is it true,because when there got into in a rs,so things change??so quickly?
so should i be happy,should i treasure and just move on with all those sweet memories we had..

i don't know how we talked..talked so much..
until she was telling me,how at the macs party,he kept looking at me..
esp when the girls were like sitting close tgt,talking about the apple diet..
she just happen to turn and glance at another fren,and she 'spotted' that ahong looking at me..
i don't know,because i didnt see him looking when we were talking..
i only know that ahgong heard what we were talking about,because i rmb him nagging me..
saying don't think i didnt hear about the apple diet u all were saying,asking me not to do it..
i know,we did exchange glances,and looked at each other,but not then..
rmb how i went toilet and back,and they started singing the bday song already..
was standing outside the sitting area,and ahgong was right inside there,so far behind..
i rmb how we looked at each other,and smiled,when we were all singing bday song..
that was how sweet it was,esp when others didnt rly know,we can only exchange glances,and msg beside each other..

She still said he had family problems tt day but still didnt go home??
Waiting for me and left w me..even though we took diff cabs..
I said i dunno..is it..he didnt say anything about home..how u noe..

rmb met ahgong and another fren to take mrt there tgt..
it was quite awkward,esp when tt ahgong was asking before it whether i was angry,thought i was angry..
on the train,we didnt talk much,or smhw acting not tt close??
but i guess,him telling tt fren whom i wasnt rly close w,tt i'm meeting them to go tgt,shd mean sth,tt's why it was abit awkward..
yar,and we just exchanged those glances,that meant so much,somehow..
i cant believe i actually went through those days,those 'magical moments'??
those moments that up till now i cant forget..

she even asked me what i missed most about him..
i said everything??but i guess,those phone calls,since we spent so much time on it??
those moments esp before putting down the phone,saying goodnight,sweet dreams,sleep tight..
those silent moments,just hearing him playing the guitar..
those moments where we talk and laugh about random stuff,that ahgong's cute laughter..
those moments the ahgong ask funny sweet qns like,so u want me to msg u tml morn??and rmb how the nx day,i would smile so much,just thinking of it..
those moments that the ahgong was always so caring,concerned..sch nx day,etc..

rmb how during the working period my throat was so bad..
rmb just started working not long,or rather during ojt..
i woke up totally voiceless,first time..and freaked out..
how am i suppose to work,to talk to cust with no voice..
went to work and fren gave me lots of pi pa gao..
luckily,aft awhile,can speak abit..
and rmb telling my fren if i suddenly become voiceless again,pls help me take over my call..
aft tt time,my throat didnt recover totally,always coughing,and like so much phlegm inside..
and on the ph w tt ahgong,always cough also,smtimes my voice sounded so bad too..
and rmb tt ahgong would always nag at me to ask me go drink water first..
just like tt time,sitting by the stairs,was coughing,and he forced me to drink his water..
i said nvm lar..and he would sound 'angry'..
so i had to walk out,get water..swallow real hard..
because of how tt ahgong wanted to hear the sound of me drinking,swallowing the water..
then he would be happy..
then aft tt,i always had my water bottle w me when i talk to tt ahgong..
yes,that was that ahgong that i like so much..that made me felt so lucky,so special..
that was the ahgong,others thought was so so sweet,after hearing all the little little things he did..
but why did he have to play this joke on me,why didnt i get the chance to treat him well too,like what he did..

why can i only look back now and think of all those sweet memories..
and not looking forward to the long journey we wanted to walk tgt,and think of all the better memories that will come our way..
why must i let go of that ahgong that treated me so nice,then,not the after part..
why must he walk away and escape like this..

up till now,i still dont undstd why they ended..
if he seemed so serious and crazily chasing aft her,and she even went for his family bbq in such a short time..??wanting to meet her parents too?
when tt ahgong told me not to bring our family in first,she gt to meet his so soon??
why becux of pure suffocation,unhappiness,quarreling??
becux he going overseas le,didnt want her to be unhappy?
he shd have thought about it many times le..why back out now..
and even telling her,they wont break if he didnt have to go overseas..
i don't know..that's why i told her,if u rly still like him,u should go talk it out with him,ask him the real reason for the break up..
because of how serious he seemed and how she say maybe it's his mum..
but she said,she didnt want anymore,she felt so silly,so stupid when she begged him tt time,even when she know they are not suitable..
cant believe we talked so much..

how she told me she even went to ask that ahgong if he still like me,miss me..
how tt ahgong even told her about me going to the airport to send him..
she still said he said i didnt ask if he still like me..(would i dare??when tt ahpoh seems to have been gone so long,in his world..)
said he want to think to cfm??
then say he's too tired,busy to think??

what was i supposed to think..to feel??
i just laughed at it..and i told her,ours was so long ago!
what can i do,other than laughing at it all,how it all turn out..
because there was nothing i could do..or should i rly go ask??
hahax.
how much i wished it was true..i don't know..
i guess it's not..
or rather what she said is true,but what that ahgong really feels??
i guess,he just loves his ex too much,still..??
or rather her..but talked to her and spite her??even when she said she know he isnt,he was v calm..

when i asked tt ahgong,does saying/asking matters..
telling him,she told me so much.i guess i shd believe..

and the ahgong said,believe and move on.
i dont know what she said,but what i can say,is i'm a thousand over miles away,and i have a lot to do.pls do take care and be well..

then aft tt i said others heard about what she said,and thought i should ask,hear from him..
then he was like,asking who talked to me??i thought when he said i dont what 'she' said..he shd know who i was saying,tts why he said tt..
and i told him,it's her,and he asked if i had smth to ask him..
and i said i guess i shd just believe what she said,doesnt matter,nth more for me to ask..

'what i can say is that im a thousand over miles away'???
is it because of tt?
is that ahpoh still there somewhere..

i don't know..
so silly.i guess not.

because i'm stupid,childish??
because love is blind.
because i was wrong,to like that ahgong so much,because of how much he did for me..

not about going through it..how i see things and learn from it??
i know what it all means,how to see it,everybody's telling me..to learn,to not be so trusting..so..
i can even tell her all those,comfort her with all those words..
so easy to say..how hard it is actually to do..
so..
should see that this is a lesson that i deserve,because it'll help me grow stronger??
should see that all these was nothing,just silly love,and it shd be a lesson to help me grow up??that it's all part of life??
should see that i was stupid,to like tt ahgong so faithfully,even aft him doing all these to me..??

i'm trying so hard to continue with my normal life,and u dont know how hard it is..
and i guess u shdnt be saying how childish i am..and getting so worked up??
when u don't know how hard i'm working on this..
when u don't know how i'm leading a 'normal' life now,how hard i'm studying..

i just need this place,this secret place of mine.

happy vday.

2011-02-14T04:01:00.003+08:00

so funny..
i even met her since she said she bought a book for me,and that reading it will help me..
if not i'll feel bad rejecting her..
I saw her,even was smiling,waving and said hi to her..omg..
and now,we're msging until like we're bff..
omg..
what am i doing..cant believe it..
that i was comforting her somehow..
comforting her,when i was hurt by her somehow?
so dumb..omg.

my life seemed part of a joke,and now am i becoming a joker??
talking to her like that..hahax.
even asking her to go talk it out with him,maybe there's some chance for them still..??
maybe he really have his reasons,maybe it was rly because of his mum not allowing of this rs bec he's going aust?
maybe he really love her so much,he don't want to hurt her??
hahahx.

she was saying want revenge,but i say what's the pt,when u say he's not worth..
why bring yourself to that level..
omg omg omg.
i can only laugh and ask myself what am i doing now..
why are we talking until like close friends,when we werent close to start with..
or were we even considered friends..can i treat her as a friend,still??
hahahx.this is so crazily funny..

vday..
last year's vday was in korea,seeing that sunrise..=(
as usual,vday is bt bday,so always celeb her bday and nt vday..
7 years and counting..and we're all still celebrating our singlehood this year!!
thought could have been with tt ahgong..
how they always say i'll be the first..
but we're back to the same again!
maybe singlehood is the best..

somerset again..this time not just walk past..
but celeb there in tt cafe/bar..
and looking out directly is that 'restaurant street' where we happily walked past tt first time out..
and i even met her at this place..
the place me and tt ahgong were at..
the place where we were so happy still..
that day where it was somehow one of the happiest day..

ignorance is bliss??

2011-02-13T03:39:00.002+08:00

relative came over to bai nian tdy..
and as usual..always ask the same qns..
got bf??i said no..
shy huh,dont want bring home?i said no..
how i wish was still w tt ahgong,and smhw was hiding it..
so stupid to think..

saw them a few mths ago..
and tdy they said i lost weight..rly lost weight..
they ask if i was jian fei-ing..
i said no..
and i thought of how the past 4 mths was a big torture to me..
that's why and not because i rly want to jian fei..
but because of how i got so sick of eating,so disgusted of eating..
felt so disgusted by what happened,hungry but still no appetite..
and one point,i could eat and think of it,till tears almost came out..
and everything i ate,it didnt stay there..
and i thought i undstd some saying above getting indisgestion,from unhappiness?
less than one meal per day??forcing urself to eat..
that was how bad it is..
that's why..

or maybe i didnt lose weight..
just look super cui..
i don't know..
but now i know how bad it was,how much i've been through..
and i'll never forget..
and i hope this will never happen anymore..
i guess like auntie vicky,because of her experience tt's so similar to mine,bt in terms of friendship..
both of us will end up more doubtful or rather more careful w everything already..
even had deja vu,when w auntie vic ytd,deja vu about how we were talking about this similar thing..
so funny,so coincidental how both of us,bff,have to go thru such thing at almost the same time..
to experience,to grow,to learn tgt,to ask each other..
be there for each other..
that's what friends are for..

i think i'm crazy..from this crazy thing..or will be crazy soon if this still continues..
so funny how i'm actually asking the girl to go try it out some more since she says she was serious and love him..
and how she said he was also,saying how he said he miss her,love her,will not break if he didnt go aust..
but she thought he's crapping..
so funny,how i'm actually asking someone else to go after that ahgong that i like..
so funny,how i'm actually asking this girl tt somehow hurt me so much,'betray' me,to go after tt ahgong..
so funny..
she was the one who was asking if i still like tt ahgong..asking if i did,maybe i shd cont and 'jio' and maybe tt ahgong will be touched somehow..
but why should i when she's saying hw tt ahgong's telling her they arent going separate ways and stuff..
why should i,when tt ahgong likes her,or rather love..and not tt ahpoh anymore..?or maybe never..

what am i doing..
am i too nice,too crazy or pure stupid??hahax.
cant believe i'm actually asking her to do that,when i still like tt ahgong..
since she loves him..since tt ahgong loves her..
but she just cant trust tt ahgong anymore..and its not possible anymore,she said.
or is it true,that the ahgong still love,cant forget tt ex..
so complicated..

and yes what's the point in knowing the truth,others say..
and i did thought so too..

but it does matter somehow..

because i wish tt i can get to know the truth..
the truth that i'm right..that the ahgong cant be like this..
that i was right in believing so much in tt ahgong..
and that auntie vic is right too..
she believe in him so much,sooooo much..
until i find it amazing,when she don't rly know him,but only talk to him that once and only hear frm me about him..
but she said she believe her sixth sense..
and i said it may be wrg..
even when i'm doubting that ahgong because of how true her story is..
auntie vic still trust,believe him so much..
saying its too extreme le..
i really dont know..

because i've always carried that little hope inside me..
because right from the beginning,i've rly wanted to wait,and still actually go apply for the uni..
had been regretting so much,for not going aust then and chose sim..
then this time i thought how nice it would be..it i could 'fulfill' tt dream and tgt w tt ahgong..
how nice it would be..
but i guess i was too silly..

because i don't want to move on with those sweet memories,that i thought it was true..
and now it all have to seem so fake..
maybe it was true..but i rly dont know..

that's why somehow it does matter..

but what if,it all was true..
and all those sweet memories,will just become my worst nightmare..
and i cant even look back and smile and be happy at how sweet it was..

auntie vic saw what i was talking to her about..
read about the things he did..
and said he was really sweet,really sweet..if it was true..
tt's why i told her,now u should know why it was so hard for me to let go,to forget..
cause he was so nice,did so much,and esp when i didnt do much for him..
or rather wanted to,thought so much of what to do,but havent got to,won't get to do..

auntie vic still said,don't think he's playing w u,maybe her,but nt u..
but i rly don't know..he didnt seem like playing w her also,he even seemed more serious w her??
she just believe him so much!!so funny..

yes, i do believe the him that i saw was the real him,too..
but it's just tt her story is too real..to not believe it..
yes i smhw cant accept still,but i smhw believe..

and i even pity her..from how she said he treated her..
because that bad side i never saw from tt ahgong..maybe i wasnt as hurt as her..?
but i still thought,they've done too much to me..
and hurt me too much..her hurt cant be more than mine..
she didnt know how bad,how crazy it was for me..he didnt know also..
so how can i even pity her,even when she's had to do w hurting me too..??

but yes,i still pity her..feel bad..
when i didnt do anything wrong..
haha.i'm laughing at how silly i am..

but..
i believe her story??and i believe the him that i saw??
i'm so contradicting..
bt then,there must be a reason behind everything..
there must be a reason why he treated us so differently??

so,the qns is,to know or not to know..
to ask or not to ask..

maybe ignorance is bliss?
know less is better?
but i don't think i'm knowing any less now..

and tt ahgong posted stuff,seems to be related..
too coincidental already,and the things he say are too 'similar'..

'Ask them lesser questions and will get lesser answers.
But why ask more, when less is more?
guess what's more is when you stop asking anymore.
Sorry; ya i guess i understand your predicament.
but i guess; saying/asking matters. its cold. its freezing cold.'

'Ya but still we all wait; but how would it be for me to read the unreadable;
said tell me; cuz thoughts aren't words on paper.
But still get well; and I do hope he will be well too.
I've been praying; and hope some faith helps.'

if it's about this,then i didnt know he was still concerned,i didnt know he would still bother to see..
since he shd just be worried about her or tt ex..
maybe he wasnt saying about this..
maybe i'm still silly as always..

sorry.

2011-02-12T02:31:00.002+08:00

i'm so tired..

right from the beginning..it all started with 'was it just a dream'..
because of that status,that's why tt ahgong commented,'probe and pursued' and smhw things started to change..

until now,things have been added on and on,and seems like it's never ending..
it's really so crazy,so ridiculous until i ask myself,was it just a dream..
if not how can my life become like this..
i've never thought or imagine that one day,such crazy things will happen to me..
i've never thought of how this world can be so complicated,just plain crazy.
other than the word crazy,i really don't know what word to use..

if only it was all just a dream..
a sweet dream..

i'm feeling so bad towards o..
but i really dont know what to do..
hearing how jean actually conferenced call w her and rox..
to 'clear' things up..
how she actually gt so angry and hung up on them so many times..
i felt so bad..
because i know jean blamed her alot..and wasnt happy with her,not just about this rs issue but also about her character,towards her..
but i always told jean not to blame o,because i know she always call me to want to check on me,concern me,even when i already told her i didnt feel like talking,but she still called..
but yes,it's jean's personality to get angry..
and she was still so angry w her and talked it all out with her tt day..
and before tt i already couldnt face o because of the rs issue..
because i felt so 'dumb' infront of her,to step in deeper into the rs when she already warned me..
now,i feel even worse..
i rly feel so sry..not that i did anything wrong..
but i rly don't know..
i only know,she meant well all along,just tt maybe she didnt rly do it the correct way..
and said things she thought wouldnt imply anything about them,about what exactly happen,but it actually did..
i know she didnt mean it..it was all out of concern..
but i nv blame her,i just cant face her..

and i'm thankful to her..
if not for her who started 'matchmaking' me and tt dumbdumb ahgong..
we wouldnt have gone out,and those memorable outings,and sort of started and be tgt smhw,for a short time..
i wouldnt have been his ahpoh..and he wouldnt have been my ahgong..
and i wouldnt have had such a happiest time of my life..and so much sweet memories..

tt time,i rmb she told me how she was asking tt ahgong if he was a little interested in me and stuff..
and tt ahgong told her yes..and also talked about the long dist issue..
and i kept asking are u lying,or he was talking crap..
that's why she started trying to 'matchmake' us,creating chances and making us go out and stuff..
and one time she said,how tt ahgong was actually happily showing her his call summary of calling me..tt time,when he called me in the middle of the night,and talk tt first time..

yes,if not for o,we wouldnt have been tgt..
and i rly thank her so much..
even though now,everything is so out of control,so crazy..

and sometimes i wonder,if o didnt tell me those stuff and didnt say i shouldnt let others know that i know or what,would things have been different..

if i chose not to protect them,but myself..and be selfish tt once..
and told tt ahgong everything,which would explain how i felt,how and why i was so quiet about it,because i couldnt come up with any explaination and so kept quiet and acted nth happened..because i thought if there was rly anything,like what o thinks he's doing,then he would have said..
if i did all that then maybe the ahgong wouldnt think that i wasnt able to tell him stuff..and think tt things wont work out because of how i always dont tell him stuff..

then maybe things would be so much different now..
and the past 4 months would still have been the happiest part of my life..
and not such a torture,a nightmare..

all that have happened,that i've heard is just making me laugh..because of how funny,how ridiculous it is..
yes,i'm laughing and laughing at it..
if only i can just so easily laugh it all away,and feel better just like that..
but when i stop and pause awhile,then i don't find it funny anymore,somehow..

but instead i believed it so much..that's why it's not funny..
i just found it hard to believe,refuse to believe,chose not to believe what i heard..

is it better for me to believe what i saw rather than what i heard??
or maybe,it really doesnt matter anymore..??
even when i still like that ahgong,still miss that ahgong..
because deep inside,i can only remember that ahgong that i knew..and not what others say of him to be..and hoping that all those is not true..
that's why i still like him and not hate him..

why am i so dumb,so silly..
when everybody's telling me its so clear,how much he's not worth at all,now..
why..
when they all thought he was so nice,so sweet,so serious,so worthy,at the start..
why.

so crazy.

2011-02-10T03:21:00.002+08:00

on that day the ahgong leaves..
i was already feeling so bad..
because of how it all felt the same like last time..

my mum was still saying me why i went all the way to send..
she didnt know who i was sending..didnt how impt he was..
if she knew it was the him i always talked to,the'mmm mmm' she nicknamed him..
what would she have said..
my aunt also asked..who i was sending..
and not knowing that it was the him..
how she asked if i had a bf,on our 2nd day..
didnt noe i was sending tt 'bf'..without him knowing..
or rather didnt want him to know..

i already felt so bad..
so bu she de,cant bear so much..

then,i have to hear so much..
until i almost couldnt take it..
was so tired..mentally..
already didnt slp the previous night..
and ended up dont even know if i rly slept tt 2 hrs..
because my whole brain had all those things inside..
my brain was like processing it all..
until i almost didnt slp..

and the whole day i barely ate one full meal..
until i could feel i couldnt see clearly..
was already having a cough,and now coughing until i felt like vomitting..
not enough slp,no feel for food..
why torture me like that time after time..
i won't be able to hang on for so long..
won't be able to survive time after time..

no matter how much i thought..
i still cant figure it out..
even after all the things she told me..
it was so crazy..
the him we both knew..
were total opposites..
how he treated her and how he treated me was so different..
i don't know why.don't understand..

it's like he had a split personality or what..
that's why i find it so hard to believe..
and the him that i know,cant be like what she said..
it's so funny..
how can one be so much different..changed so much in such a short time?
or maybe he didnt change..
one side of it must be true..
so which side of him was true??
the him i know,or the him she know..

and i wonder and wonder..
when did my life started becoming so 'exciting'..
so crazy..
until it all seemed more and more like a joke to me..
it's all so drama..
so funny..it seems more exciting than those dramas..

it was supposed to be so simple..
why did it all become to be so crazy..even after so long..
it seems like things are unfolding slowly..
getting more and more exciting..
and i guess this should already be the climax already..

but the problem is..
i don't know what to do..
i've been thrown of time after time..
after trying so hard to sort my thoughts out..want to move on..
then something happens..
and then now,it happened again..
and this is really the climax of it all..

i really dont know..
i've been believing him all the way..
right from the beginning,when i heard all those stuff..
i just gave him the benefit of doubt and didnt ask him about it..
he explained and i believed..
because i thought i really know him..

but now,she's telling me a total different him..
totally different..opposite..
like the north and south pole..
omg..this is driving me crazy..
why don't just kill me straight..
and i wouldnt have to been bothered and tortured by all these so much..

when did my simple life become like this..

what am i supposed to do??
to believe the him that i know of..
or to believe the him that she know of..
to believe in what i saw or believe in what i heard..

i need answers..
and i cant get them..

i saw tt ahgong.i saw him off..

2011-02-08T23:48:00.005+08:00

8feb'11..
that ahgong must be on that plane..halfway to melbourne..
is this the last time i see that ahgong..
it was supposed to be..
but how much i hope it wont be..

they all wanted me to go,to get that closure..
but does seeing him just ends everything..
he didnt explain or say anything still..
i thought i was already slowly letting go..
i thought this could be closure..
but after that call..
i thought all my hard work was gone..
tt ahgong melted it all,again..
i don't know why..

last year,this tues,we should be on the plane too,to korea..
and one year later,i never expected myself to be at the airport sending that ahgong..
and crying so badly..first time crying sending someone off..
he didnt see..

thought and thought about this day..
i thought i shouldnt be going and send him off..
i wont know his flight details and stuff..
and he wont want me to do it also..and maybe won't want to see me..
and who would be like me so crazy,to go send someone off like this..
someone who hurt me so much..
but i just couldnt bear..
i was just so silly..

i thought and thought if i should go..
i asked jean..
she also said it should be closure for me,and should forget him after that,slowly let go..
i thought slowly let go,maybe,yes..
but it's so hard..
and forget about him is even harder,impossible..
she asked if i miss him..
and i said,yes,i miss so much,really so much..

i thought and thought..
and i decided to just go..
cause i really miss that ahgong so much..
don't want to regret not going..
just wanted to see him one more time..
and i just went and tried my luck..
i thought it should all be predestined..
whether or not i get to see him..

t1 had more flights..so we went there..
i was really scared..really shaking..my face was so hot..
because i just wanted to see that ahgong,i didnt want him to see me,didnt want him to know i went..
i wanted to leave..jean dragged me and i was almost hiding behind her..
so scared..
walked and walked ard but didnt see him..
saw those gates closing..and i thought i missed that ahgong already..
wont be able to see him anymore..

and we went to t3..it was even more empty..
and i thought thats it already..
i didnt dare to walk ard anymore and went up the escalator..
and jean went walking ard to see if she could see that ahgong..
i was up there trying to look ard too..but didnt see..
then jean came up and told me she didnt see also..
i was so disappointed..i thought i should have just asked tt ahgong..
i thought he's gone forever le..and that's it..
i wasnt meant to see him anymore..

and then i saw that grp of ppl tt was almost infront of my view right from the beginning..
that ahgong was back facing me..
it was too far and i couldnt see clearly..
but i told jean,those things look so familiar..
i could see those familiar shoes,that black casio watch,that black nike backpack,that familiar shirt,that familiar height and build..
the way he walked,his actions..all so familiar..
i didnt dare to see when he turn over..and asked jean to see..
she couldnt see clearly also..and we took some time before we were sure..

we wanted to leave already..but we ended up noticing them..
just stood there and see..
and i saw his parents,his sister..his sis and mum looked so much alike..
didnt thought of how his parents would looked like..
and i finally saw..
and thought about those strict voices i heard over the phone..the things they said..
those things that the ahgong said they did..
they didnt look like..

and i didnt know when that ahgong saw me..it was so high up..
the past few mths,it seems like tt ahgong's looks changed smhw,maybe because of his hair,him getting sick and losing 5kg tt time,and stuff..

but today..that ahgong looked just like the start where we just knew each other..
looked so much like that day where we first went out..
and all those memories came back..
and i really missed those times so much..
it rly felt the same,like last time..
and how much i wanted time to go back to that sweetest time..

i thought for so long if i should call him and say bye..was shaking holding tt phone..
who would do such a silly thing like what i did,to go see him off,and still call him to just say bye..
i thought maybe he wont pick up..
but i guess because he saw me,that's why he picked up,knowing that i would be able to see..
that moment was so crazy..
i almost freezed,tongue tied and didnt know what to say..
just wanted to ask him to take care and stuff..
and ended up just keep saying bye..
since he was busy going in..
that voice..i hoped i had recorded it down..
that same,familiar voice..
that same way,we used to talk..
i waited for him to hang up,like how he always used to,and i didnt because he always wanted me to hang up first..
and he didnt hang up immediately..
everything all sounded the same,the feeling i felt seemed the same..
but i guess it wasnt the same for him..

the way tt ahgong said hello,and how he said u hide there so long ah..
made me more stunned..
that tone,that voice..it was all so same..
i didnt know he saw..and won't know if i didnt call that he actually saw..
i just didnt want him to know i went..
if i knew earlier that he saw,i would have said bye to him face to face..
i wouldnt have wait till he was giving the passports then called him..

i guess i never regretted going,and was thankful i went..
if not i would have regretted forever,again.

Didnt sleep a wink.

2011-02-08T06:35:00.007+08:00

It's morn already.
But i didnt sleep at all.

Those same lessons again as tt day where i was to meet tt ahgong aft sch..
Rmb tt day..we were back hm late frm fren bday the previous day and still talked late..
Had sch the nx day,bt he gt off..tt ahgong said he'll call me to give me morn call..or just talk to me awhile in the morn..
I said dun need ah..bt tt ahgong wanted..
Rmb was on car and scared tt ahgong called,and mum would ask..
In sch already and was happily waiting..bt tt ahgong overslept..
Msg straight when he woke up..
Tt tues was so happy..bt tdy is so crazy..
Still rmb at the beginning,when we gt closer,talking on the ph..
Hw tt cute ahgong will ask..do u want me to msg u tml morn..
And i ask why..and he said sth like thought u would like..
Those were the happiest and sweetest days..

Today,opened my eyes and could feel them small,swollen.

So tired..
But i just couldnt slp on this day..

When i lie in that same darkness,on tt bed,in tt environ we once talked happily on the ph..
I closed my eyes,but my brain was so crazy..
So much was running through tt brain..
So crazy..i almost could 'feel' it..

Thought about all those things i wanted to do when tt ahgong goes over..wanted to nag at tt ahgong and make sure he take care of himself..wanted to write letters,wanted to talk to him evday,so many things.. but now i cant do anything at all..

Thought about all those promises we had..
Wanted so much to keep those promises tt the ahgong wanted me to make..
Wanted so much to do it all,tgt w tt ahgong..
Skype-ing evday,to get angry when i shd,so tt ahgong can cheer me up,ask me to xiao yi ge..
Why did the ahgong ask me to make those promises and break them like this..
Why didnt he keep his promises,to stand by me,tt ahpoh..
He knew promises meant sth,tts why asked me to make those promises..
But why didnt he fulfill all those promises we had,why didnt he give us the chance to keep those sweet little promises..
We cant even talk now,much less skype..
Why so crazy..

I rly cant tk it..
What's happening..:'(

8 feb'11-the day that ahgong will be gone.

2011-02-08T03:29:00.004+08:00

this last night..is here..
that ahgong will be leaving tml,or rather later..
he must be busy packing his stuff..

i thought i would be ok..just don't think..
but i'm so wrong..
i'm struggling so hard inside..
i try so hard to not think,to keep myself occupied..
and i know it wasnt helping at all..

jean's leaving on thurs..
bought dinner to her house w shir..
we talked so much..
talked bout those days working there..
missing it so much..
they talked about rs stuff..
talked about others..
and jean was saying why do gfs always like to get angry,or maybe bf..either party..
she also thought why should couples always quarrel and get angry easily..
and shir said..get angry would mean u rly cared about the other person..
is that rly true..to have to be angry to show tt u rly cared about someone..

i thought about what tt ahgong said about me not getting angry..
and how he won't know when i'll be anrgy..tt's why he think it wont work out..
he thinks..he thinks..he thinks..

so we must get angry to show someone how much we cared,to work a rs out??
is that really the case..
i didnt get angry infront of friends and they could tell how much i cared about tt ahgong..
but he didnt..
why must we get angry..
i rly thought there wasnt any pt in always getting angry in a rs..
maybe sometimes,a little angry..but not always..and not super angry..

tt period of time..
there wasnt any moment for me to be angry about..
even though it was crazy to hear stuff..
it wasnt right for me to say things out..
how i really felt..when it was because of those stuff that i heard about him,her..
what was i supposed to say?to question him about them..?will he say..
when by right,we just started..and tt faith we were supposed to have..
why did that ahgong have to think tt way..
he didnt understand..

and throughout..they kept talking..
and i knew i only had one thing in my mind..
that the ahgong will be leaving tml..
that the ahgong will be gone forever..

i told them..
how i waited..and up till now he never said anything..
and say how i thought about asking for an explaination..
but maybe i should not know..
it's so scary to hear,smhw 'disgusting' to hear..

they kept telling me to call..
i said i was rly scared to talk to that ahgong again..
really have no more courage..
i could only rmb how he deliberately talked to me so badly the last time..
and it scares me so much..

but i know i wanted so much to just hear that ahgong's voice once more,to talk once more..
but i didnt dare,i couldnt do it..
i could only think that the ahgong would be hostile..

i thought if he called..which he didnt,up till the end..
would i pick up..
i would..i would..i would..
tt ahgong once said..telling me why i always dont pick up,maybe sometimes i would miss sth good..
and i said..it always wasnt good wasnt it..

and i always thought,did i miss it that time..maybe not..
and i've always regretted..
and i've always asked myself..hate myself..
why didnt i pick up those calls..why was i so scared..

and i told them i rly cant call..

and i just broke down,infront of them,not over the phone,for the first time.

because i really cant bear for tml to come..for tt ah gong to leave..
because thinking of it just make my heart so pain..
an indescribable feeling..

even though they kept telling me to call..
they want me to get an ans,and forever forget about him..
i knew i won't be able to do it..
even when they all said until he was a super bad guy..
and i still told them how much i couldnt believe,couldnt accept..
and how bad i really felt..being treated like this,so much more bad than his first..
i asked them why..
i cant accept..

tears just kept coming out..
because i just thought of all those times we were tgt..
how we talked about it so much,considering about this long dist rs..
how he told me about him going overseas,his plans..
how he asked if i'll wait,how we can wait w options open..
how he asked if i'll be sad when he leaves..
and now the day is here..

when we gt tgt,i've thought of how tt day will be like,when i send him off,as his gf..
i've thought of what to make and giving him alot stuff when he leaves..
i thought i would be hugging him and cry..
and we'll both cant bear to leave each other..
that ahgong and ahpoh..

but now,i cant do anything at all..
cant see him and talk to him anymore..
cant say bye..
i miss those words..ahpoh..
byebye,goodnight,sweet dreams,sleep tight..
and tt ahgong singing,playing guitar..
his cute soft laughter sometimes..
his funny chi..
i really miss the way he calls me ahpoh..
i'll never hear it anymore..

was on taxi home w shir..
and she asked what i was thinking..
i said i don't know..bt i just didnt say..
cause i know i would seem so stupid..

because i was thinking of our whole journey..
how 'accidental' it was..
how i thought it was fate..

how happy it was..
how happy i was..

how we first met..first talked..
how we werent very close in office..
how we started going out w friends..
how we slowly gt closer,msging..
how we first talk on the ph,suddenly,him calling in the middle of the night..
how we talked on the phone everyday..
how he first asked about going out,just us both..
how we finally went out ourself..
how funny and cute when tt ahgong still pass me the napkin and asked me to wipe my mouth,when we were leaving coffee bean..
and how we got tgt..how we thought of wanting to go bali tgt..
that first day out,on our official first day..

and all the things that happened after that..
that day at his house..
the day i'll never forget..

went home,and sat at tt bench we sat..
and tears just flowed..i thought of how we were sitting there..
how i thought of how time pass so fast..
how much i wished that if only time could go back to that day..
and pause right there..
02102010..
and i would never have sent him off..never wanted him to go..

i looked at all those pics..
our first pic..
i thought of how we were sitting outside ps..
how we were tickling each other..sitting so close..and how fren was beside..
how tt ahgong who didnt like taking pics,wanted to take tt pic..
i was so glad we took it..it seem we didnt leave anything for each other..only that pic,those precious pics..

i was looking at tt pic,how we were smiling so happily,so happily..
that ahgong's cute silly smile..
and thought how could things have become like this..

why cant i be seeing tt ahgong off tml..as his ahpoh,as his gf..
why we cant even say goodbye..
why is it so cruel..

i guess tt ahgong just want her to send him off..
because tt ahpoh was long gone..

i'm repeating the song,dear god again and again..
and thought about those lyrics..is there any true part..
i guess it all refers to her as well..

that artistic pic tt the ahgong said he took..
only all these pics are what's left behind..

tt apmtty wonder about tt ddag.

Never knew i needed.

2011-02-07T17:42:00.002+08:00

Never knew i needed
Neyo

For the way you changed my plans
for being the perfect distraction
for the way you took the idea that i have
of everything that i wanted to have
and made me see there was something missing (oh yeah)
for the ending of my first begin
(ooh yeah yeah)(ooh yeah yeah)
and for the rare and unexpected friend
(ooh yeah yeah)(ooh yeah yeah)
for the way you're something that i never choose
but at the same time something i don't wanna lose
and never wanna be without ever again (oh oh)

you're the best thing i Never Knew I Needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it's so clear i need you here always

my accidental happily (ever after) (oh oh oh)
the way you slime and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
i must admit you were not a part of my book
but now if you open it up and take a look
you're the beginning and the end of every chapter (oh oh)

you're the best thing i never knew i needed (oh)
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (that i needed)
so now it's so clear i need you here always

who'd knew that i'd be here (who'd knew that i'd be here oh oh)
so unexpectedly (so unexpectedly oh oh)
undeniablely happy (hey)
said with you right here, right here next to me (oh)

girl you're the..
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (said i needed oh oh)
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (needed oh)
so now it's so clear i need you here always
baby baby
now it's so clear i need you here always

no answers.

2011-02-07T05:02:00.009+08:00

i hate sitting on the bus,listening to music.
i hate it so much..
so many times..i've heard songs and thought bout stuff until i almost really wanted to break down..
those tears really wanted to come out..
i hated it..

i'm hating sch to start again..on tues..
that very first time sch started last year..
it was so different.
that first day in sch..went out and then out again..
sitting at that stairs htht w tt ahgong,went home late,when there was still sch the nx day..
and the following tues..was our first time out..that happy day..
but this coming tues..
i won't be meeting tt ahgong aft sch like tt tues..
i won't even be sending him off..
when we gt tgt,i thought of how that day will be like and rly want to see him off..
but now..
i just won't be seeing him anymore..
and it hurts so much..
to not even see and talk for one last time..to that someone so dear..
that ahgong..

we'll just go back to strangers like we once were..
i guess this was what fate wanted for us..to play a joke on me..

i hated going sch..aft all those..bec tt ahgong's house is so near..
it seems so near yet so far..
and i always rmb tt day at his house..

we both stay on same level,and our unit num smhw similar,he didnt know..

it seems like everyone around have been getting attached one after another..
having something since last year,or being tgt since awhile ago until recently they all just give everybody surprises..
it seems like all from last year..
first sotong xh,secretly keeping it from us for so long till they actually got tgt,to other classmates,and other ppl..
they all are happily announcing,still happily tgt,letting friends know after things 'stabilise'..
we too had sth,gt tgt,didnt want others to know first..
i thought after some time,i could give my friends a surprise too..
but what happened..

yes,it was a surprise to many when they smhw knew we smhw started..
happy for me to find that ahgong..all saying,agreeing that he was a good guy..

but even a greater surprise to them all,about what later happen..
the greatest surprise to that ahpoh..such a crazy bad 'surprise'..

why are others still so happily together..and why must mine be like this..
and so crazy..
i really don't know why..

saw what auntie vic commented and tears was rolling inside..
saying how she wasnt rly here w me these few mths,and years..
i thought back about last time,since we all met in jc..
i thought back..
and there wasnt rly any big problems tt i faced for them to have to be w me like this..

i felt so ashamed..
to think about how i cried infront of friends i've known for so long,for the first time since they've known me..
nothing like this have happened before..
they've never seen this side of me before..
never.
that girl they know wasnt like this,never like this..
she was the one who always seem so happy,always smiling,never emo,always asking others to cheer up..
but now,it's the total opposite of the me they know of..
and i feel so ashamed,to have to let them see me like this..

the last one,some knew some didnt..
it was quite bad,quite dumb..
but they all didnt really knew what happened..
i guess only ahma really knew what exactly happened..
and somehow i survived through it myself..
i guess because it wasnt as crazy as this..

when all these happened..
i thought i could face it myself again..
wanted to be strong myself..
didnt want friends to see that so weak,so vulnerable side of me..
but now,they've seen it all..
that worst i could have gone..

and throughout..
it was only jean that really knew what happened,and was w me all the while,msging me almost throughout the whole day to check on me..
i guess because before all these,she had alot probs w her bf who went overseas for 3 mths..
it was smhw long dist..and they had alot probs..
and when he came back,they broke..
all along,when they started having prob..
i always told her to control ah..not to get angry so easily..
bec she had a bad temper..

they always had probs about skype-ing,bec of the bad reception and stuff..
and so many other probs..about the bf..
and i told her u all just started and then he's overseas..just bear w the probs ah,since u like him..
when he's back then ok le ma..if cant skype then can msn,or talk on ph?
i was w her..
and i didnt know such a big thing will happen to me..
and she had to pei me more than i did bec it was far crazier..

somehow,frm jean exp..i knew how long dist would be diff already..
but i still thought through..and wanted to do it w tt ah gong..
bec i knew my temper wont be like jean to get so easily agitated when they cant skype or find time, or what..
i kept telling her,if he did sth,then maybe u shd step back..
don't get angry over sth small ah..no pt..
he didnt rly know what she wanted,what she like or didnt like..thats why she always gt angry..

i thought i knew that ahgong,i thought that ahgong knew me..how he could easily notice sth was wrg..
that's why i said i don't get angry easily..
because i thought we both knew each other,and we wouldnt have to go through being angry w each other,or quarelling..
that would be so much nicer..
yes i do get angry,but not so easily..i didnt like..

i kept telling her..u all just gt tgt and he have to be overseas..
slowly ah..then both of u will know each other better and won't have such problems..
since u both like each other,then slowly ah..
the beginning would be tough..but..
it takes time..it takes 2 to work a rs out..and not just one and if u keep getting angry also wont help..
you all really have to work it out..if u rly dont like him to do certain stuff,then just tell him..

i really wanted to work it out w tt ahgong..
it takes 2..
but that ahgong just thought by himself..and decided himself..
because i wasnt the one..because i cant talk.dont get angry.
he just didnt understand..
we needed time..i needed time..

from the beginning..
jean smhw knew a little..ec..
and then..how it all slowly changed..
she knew how i felt towards him..
she saw what he did..
the last day of wk,tt late outing..
she saw how he called me instead of o and asked about it..
when it was o who asked him and didnt say i was going..

she saw how he msged me and not the rest when he got off at his place..
asking,worried about us getting lost,and asking to msg him when home..
she kept saying there was sth,but i didnt think so much then..
and i told her he meant everybody to msg him when they're home..
she heard about how at the macs party,because he didnt reply my msg earlier..
he was sitting beside me and msging me sorry..
saw how he was waiting for me to go hm tgt..

and she said can see there's sth,can see he zai hu ni...
did he really zai hu..?if he did,then how did all these happen?and until now he didnt say anything..
but why did he msg auntie vic to ask her help him take care of me..
that last msg..that last concern from tt ahgong to tt ahpoh..
was it just out of pure guilt..

and tt first time out..
she knew about how he actually asked about the waiting thing..
still smhw saying about how his parents are 'fierce',smhw asking how,if i would be scared or wad?
she thought he was so serious also,thought he was a good guy too..
and was so happy for me also..

when we gt tgt,she was the first to know..
becase i was so scared my mum would asked about where i went..
so i asked her to help..and told her what happened..
i rmb her sms..after i told her..
congratulations in caps..
and i rmb i was walking home aft sending tt ahgong..and was smiling at tt msg..

then when tt ahgong said about the committment issues..
i told her..i asked her how..
at first she thought i shouldnt have ask him about thinking the second time..we should have just tried..
but i told her,i regretted asking..
but the first ans he didnt think through properly,he ans quite fast..
and i know i would smhw feel insecured w tt first ans,and i don't want to be like forcing him..
tt's why i asked again,thinking that the ans will still be yes,we try,after much thinking..

i thought that ahgong would say yes..
i thought that the serious ahgong would want to do it tgt w tt ahpoh..
but i was wrong..

in btw,bef tt ahgong rly gave me tt ans aft i asked him to think again..
she still came over to talk about some of her stuff and was telling me not to worry..
saying it'll be ok..keep saying i shd know him,how he's always easily stressed and thinks alot..
saying it just shows that he rly is serious..
and rmb when i was sending her to the bus stop..tt ahgong called aft work..missed call..
wanted to talk after sending her..and she saw,and still was telling me to change to iphone too..
telling me,so when he goes over,it'll be cheaper for overseas calls,easier,etc..and i was thinking about changing..
but i still told her,we still havent rly settle our prob yet,wait till i get tt ans ah..
but i guess i never got that ans i wanted..

after tt ahgong told me his ans..then smhw things started to 'change'..
we stopped talking on the ph,or msging for ard 2 days..
and i didnt think much..
until o had to tell me all those stuff,what the girl said,what others said bout them going out..
and i told jean,bec i didnt believe..
she talked to o..
smhw they all thought tt it was true..
they thought him saying tired w work,etc was just excuses..
and hw he was taking so long to reply..
they were so worried for me..
still came over late one night..

yes..i was so scared..i rly didnt know what to think..
deep inside i believed it..and thought it really explains it all..
bt smhw,there was still a part of me that didnt believe that the ahgong would be like tt..
it was only one week +ago tt we just go tgt??and all these can happen?
they came over sitting there with frowns on their face..
and asked me how..what i want to do..
and i said there's nth i can do..if tts what he rly wants..
and i also kept explaing..how i don't believe..
dont think he's such a person..
deep inside i was struggling so hard..
when i first heard of it from o..i was outside w jean..trying so hard not to cry infront of her..
i told her i cant believe it..she didnt believe it totally too..
and was telling me things about what tt girl told her,what she did before to her ex,and so many other things..
telling me maybe it cant be believed..

i went home..and cried..for the first time..because of tt ahgong..
when they were at my house..i didnt cry..i still sat there w them watching tv,acting like nth was wrong..

in btw,all that happened..until tt final ans..only jean rly knew all..
how he said he didnt want to try anymore..
she just keep telling me..
how maybe he just want to protect me,rly dont want to hurt me bec he rly like me..bec he's a gd guy..
and so i was trying so hard to move on..
the whole time it was so pain,so crazy..
but i never once cried infront of her..

until that one time,that i totally break down after so long..over the phone..
that time,when she told me about how she met tt guy friend who told her about what that girl told him..
she thought the timing was so qiao as all those things that happened..thats why she got so worried..
thats why she thought i should know about it,and told me..
and when i heard her say..the girl telling the guy that they were tgt..that was it..
i totally break down..after such a long time of acting strong..

it was so crazy..and all along,seeing his statuses,i still told her how it makes me believe him more..'slow but i'll get it done..'..
but that day,i felt so stupid..the most stupid moment in my entire life..
thinking of how i've been convincing friends to believe that he's really that gd ah gong that i know of..
and all those cant be true..
i didnt know what to say..jean didnt know what to say too..

she used to try and comfort me saying how he was a gd guy like what i believed,what i told her,tts why he didnt want to try anymore..
but what could she say now..
she too,didnt believe that the guy she once said really zai hu ni,that explained so much,did so much,would be like this..
she,didnt believe that the girl,a friend would be like this..
the girl who warned he was a bad guy,who even had asked jean before about how things are between me and him..could do such a thing..
it was so crazy..
it was so true..but deep inside i still thought of reasons that it cant be true..so silly..

jean knew she couldnt explain to me anymore..couldnt say anything..
and was just so angry with them..
she just msg and msg me everyday..
and until now..
but she's going to leave for her intership this thurs..

i didnt know that a friend i didnt got to know tt long would be with me so much throughout this thing..
and it's amazing how friends enter our lives at diff point in time and stay around..

i know auntie vic was busy w sch and stuff..
thats why from the beginning i didnt tell her much..and also didnt tell others much..
bec i was scared too..scared of how it'll turn out..
when we gt tgt..that ahgong said not to let friends know first..
i didnt mind not saying..esp after him telling me about him worryng about committment issues..
i didnt rly dare to say..i had a bad feeling..

at first auntie vic only knew we had sth and then knew we started..
she asked if she could like tt status i posted on tt first day..
and i told her ya..i told her i got talk to tt ahgong about u before,my bff..
so it's ok..u shd know..
and then aft tt,auntie vic know abit about how he i asked him to think again..
and she also said it was a good thing for us to consider so hard..
show that he was really serious too..a good guy!

why is it tt everybody said that...but ended up..like this..
they all said it'll be ok..it'll be fine..
but now,it isnt ok at all..

after that..
she didnt know much..because i didnt rly tell her,bother her..
i didnt really tell my few close friends..those who smwh knew we started..
i didnt want to tell..
i thought i could be like last time and be strong by myself again..
i thought i could..
i was trying so hard..

until some point in time,i almost couldnt take it anymore..
and she asked,then i told her what really happened..
and she even helped me so much i didnt know..
and i felt so lucky to have auntie vic as a gd fren and sotongs too..
though she kept saying she wasnt w me..
but i know what she did meant alot..she really done alot..told me so much..asking me to have faith,in that ahgong..
and knowing that i'll always have them ard,if i wanted to talk or cry or what,was sufficient already..
and i really treasure them so much..so thankful..

and when i thought it was supposed to end right there already..
i had to hear about all those even more crazy stuff..
auntie vic who smhw believed w me all the way tt the ahgong was a good guy too..
up till then,she also didnt know what to say already..
she also didnt understand what happened,how could it happened..
she still said,are they rly tgt,can believe what the girl said?
but,that ahgong,both of them..showed it happily..they could have hide..but they didnt..
so how were we supposed to not believe..

tt ahgong didnt know how hard it was for me..
didnt know i was trying so hard to cope with it all by myself..
acting strong..
he didnt know..
he thought i kept talking to my friends about it..
was saying how i shouldnt just be talking about these to my friends..
he didnt know what i knew..
didnt know how hard i tried..how badly i didnt want friends to know..
i felt so dumb to let them know..but i almost collapsed..
i would have collapsed long ago,if i didnt have them..
he just didnt know..
how bad i felt..how bad it was..
he took it so easy..

and now,i guess he still don't know..
still don't know how much i went through that period of time..
and until now,i still don't know what was true and what was not..
he don't know that kind of feeling..

i really don't know if i should get tt ans i want..
i'm so scared to hear..
so scared to face that ahgong..
i thought i knew him..
i really thought i knew him..better than others..

but now,i dont know if tt was really him..
even as much as i want to believe that was the real him that i know..
there's always this part of me that questions it..
because he didnt give me any ans..
because he took away that trust,that faith i had in him..

he thought he should have said sth..
but until now he didnt..
'to admit or say sry..which is wiser that needs doing..'
he should have if he rly was that ahgong that i knew..
but i guess..i never knew him..
like what he wanted me to do..to forget him..
to keep in my secret world and take it that he never once existed..

i really wanted to lock it temporarily in my secret world,and believing..
but why did all these happen..

to forget someone is already difficult..
to forget someone who u like so much and have caused so much hurt to u,is even more impossible..
and i guess it'll never happen..
it'll always be there..

saw this pic on some web..
seems like it was those stairs we sat at..
didnt rmb seeing the merlion though..but rmb that view of mbs..
how we were saying to walk over to there,when it was so late already..

rmb friends were standing at that railing area looking at us..

that green shirt.

2011-02-06T02:22:00.000+08:00

noobie bro doesnt like wearing shirts and long pants..
told him to match that shirt w shorts..
and before he went out tdy,came in and ask me if it looked ok..
that shirt and shorts..
that green shirt that looked so much like what that ahgong wore for his family photoshoot,on our first day..
just looked like what that ahgong wore that first day.
that green shirt,shorts and shoes..

and rmb how that ahgong was asking if he looked nice also..
asking about his shoes..whether matching the shirt w shorts looked ok..
we were sitting on the bench the first night..
first time hearing a guy complaining about his tighs too fat,using his hands to try put ard it,see if it was big..
worried about putting on weight,tighs getting bigger,but still had late suppers,ice cream..
that was that ahgong,the cute,somehw image conscious ahgong..
from that first time out,we werent tgt yet but he was already asking me about what he shd wear,what i was wearing..
and that first day..he asked again if he looked ok..
does he always ask questions like these?ask his ex?her?
did he said the same things,told them the same things too..
maybe not..i'm sure he told them the truth..
but i don't know what were the truth,all those that he said..

alphabets alone don't mean anything..it's when they come tgt and form words,then there is a meaning to it all..
but then what are words for,if they arent meant to be true..
words are not for us to abuse and create lies..
they should have other better meaningful purposes..
if words dont exist,then maybe hurt won't exist..because there won't be words like lies..
and we won't know about lies..won't create lies..

8 feb
2 more days and that ah gong shall be gone forever.
when we gt tgt..
i've thought of how that day would be like,at the airport,sending that ahgong off..
i know i wouldnt bear to see him off..didnt want that day to come..
i've thought of just wanting a big hug from that ahgong,and i'll hug back tight and it'll be enough,and i won't cry..
and would smile saying bye to him..

but now,i cant even do anything..
i even thought of asking him if i can send him off..
but felt so stupid..even if i asked,i guess he won't reply..so why ask and make myself even more silly..
and i guess others would think i'm so stupid to want to see him off..
that ahgong who did all these to the ahpoh and hurt her like this..
how could i have that thought of wanting to see him off..

but just thinking of that day,a tues..its so crazy..
to think that many weeks ago on that tues,we went out on ourself for the first time..
and many weeks later,we didnt know things would become so crazy like this..
and on tues,it'll be the day that ahgong leaves..without saying bye..

its so crazy..
to think that i cant say bye and see that ahgong anymore..
to think that that dumbdumb ahgong will be gone forever..

and it'll seem like ah gong and ah poh never once existed at all..
why must it be like this.

I'll remember you,dumbdumb ahgong.

2011-02-05T23:17:00.004+08:00

No secrets
I'll remember you

It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what you're goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you, you

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

Forever baby, I'll remember you.

that ahpoh mtty wonder if tt ddag mttmt.